Love In Hate

1 Prologue

Sun's POV

I said. I finally said it!

It's like I had removed a ton of loads from my shoulders. I was tired with the fake that I'd been making. I was tired living in pretentious. For once, I want to be me, a person that I was meant to be. And that night, I owed Nash. I thanked him for giving me the courage that I'd been searching for. The one that I thought I couldn't find for the rest of my life.

How it actually started? I guess when puberty hits you, only then you will realize who you really are. But I couldn't say it for sure though. Puberty hits guys later than girls. I realised it when I started my middle high school. To be specific, when I was in 7th grade.

I felt attracted to guys. I found them hot and attractive. But not all of them were. Although I'm saying that I'm gay, it doesn't mean I have to fall for all the guys I came across. I had my taste and types as well. And to be honest, when I first being friend with Nash and Zac, I was overjoyed, happy, nervous and embarrassed. All at the same time. They are fucking handsome and pretty. I found myself checking out on them. But I knew it's merely a feeling of attraction. The thought of doing a relationship with them never crossed my mind. There were many others that caught my eyes when I attended that school.

I was surrounded with a lot of hot guys and it felt like, you know, a good place that I can say as good as a heaven. If that is not too overstated. Forgive me if I'm creeping you out. But that was how I actually felt.

As time goes by, I started to love Nash, Zac and others sincerely. I love them as my friends. The word 'friendship' had built a huge and tall barrier among us, enough to make me forgetting all those feelings I initially had. Our friendship was a treasure for me. We became good friends because we came from the same situation. We were on the same boat but with different cabins. The problem was the one and only. Family.

During that time, we rebelled a lot. Maybe because we were growing up and yet, problems hit us like we were adults. It's like we were able to take care of it ourselves. But it's not! We couldn't. It's a matter of fact. We were too young to even understand the meaning of life. But the pressures from our family were really something!

We had fights with our batch mates and students from the neighboring town's high school. We smoke, we drank, and we ditched classes. Some of us even involved in races but I wasn't one of them. I didn't even have a motorcycle.

Being with them, I felt like I wanted to come out from my closet. But then I thought, we were still young and I also had to make sure that I was actually gay. Although I was more than sure during that time but I still waited. I convinced myself that my friends could accept me the way I was. But deep down, I knew I was scared. I was afraid they would turn their backs on me if they were to know about it.

When I thought the time had come, he ruined it. He left me bare and empty. I was lost.

I never felt hurt as much as he had done me. I regret meeting him. I regret falling for him. And I hate myself for not moving on until now.

Memory. It can bring two things. It's either make us feel sad, enough to attempt suicide or it gives us hope to continue living. For me, it's neither one. But still, because of it, I got stuck in this moment. I changed myself because of him. I never fall in love and being in any kind of relationship because of him.

I hate him and yet, I'm longing for him.

Damn it! Why?

How long must I take to put a full stop to this nonsense? I have had enough.

Had enough...