Worse » daniel howell AU

12

(tw: mentions of suicidal thoughts/attempted suicide, kinda.)

I quietly got up, hoping that Phil was feeling the same restlessness as I made my way out of my room and to Matt's former bedroom a bit down the hall. I knocked softly on the door, earning nothing but silence for a good few seconds before the door cracked open slightly.

Through the small crack, I was met with Phil looking at me with eyes that said he wanted to sleep, but similar to myself, couldn't. When he saw that it was me at the door, he opened the door wider to let me in, quiet creaking occurring from the old hinges. I stepped in, going over to the bed and sitting down, awaiting him to join me.

"I'm guessing you can't go to sleep either?" He spoke in a questioning tone as he sat down beside me. I shrugged, leaning back to lay across the bed. He did the same, us joined in staring at the ceiling. We were silent for a while, but it was a comfortable silence, one where both of us had nothing exactly to say and we didn't have to.

"Thank you," I finally spoke softly, gaining Phil's attention. "For what?" He replied, turning his head to look at me. "For being so great. Most people, if they were even good enough people to ask, would just blow it off if I said I was okay. That's what I thought you would do, but then you showed up here to make sure that I was actually okay, and I wasn't. I just.. I really appreciate having you here. I haven't had anyone for so long.. I.." I sighed, not knowing what more to say to express how much I absolutely appreciated having him in my life. He smiled a bit and through that, I feel that he understood how much more I had yet to express, how happy I was that we was here for me.

He opened his arms, and I got the hint, rolling over into his embrace. It wasn't the most comfortable of positions, but I hugged him as he hugged me back, and we just enjoyed each other's presence for a while longer. I hadn't known Phil for all too long, but lying in his arms like I was now felt normal. It wasn't a romantic gesture. It had no romance behind it, and that is what would make the action feel weird with anyone else. We were both comfortable enough with each other for it to not have the awkward romantic pressure behind it.

"You know, staying up late like this is when friends usually talk about deep, personal things," Phil pointed out with a small laugh behind the words. I smiled, "this is obviously the perfect opportunity for that... but can we stay like this? This is good. I like it." He laughed once again, and he responded by hugging me tighter. "I have no problem with that," he replied, softly, happily.

As the night went on, Phil told me more about himself. He told me more about his family, his past, and why exactly he had moved schools. He had explained that his family's old home had a lot of problems, and they wanted a new one. They moved onto this street, and it wasn't too far away from his old school. He couldn't walk there, but his mother could have drove him there which she was willing to do. He told me that he decided against going back to that school because there were some people that he had a lot of bad memories with, and he felt like he would be happier by starting fresh for his last two years of secondary school.

"Obviously, it worked well in my favor because I met you," Phil finished off. My smile only grew bigger. "You're sweet," I laughed out, him smiling in return. "Okay, I guess it's my turn to talk about some more deep stuff?" I continued, and Phil continued to look down at me, awaiting my story.

"Well, I've told you some of the most personal parts of my life already, but I guess I can tell you more about my situation after that," I started, biting the inside of my lip lightly before I continued, "Only a few people know about this. Matt, Elizabeth, my parents, Mrs. Maron, Mr. Evans.. and the last two only know because my parents didn't want it to happen again.. So, I.. uh, as you know, was really upset after the whole Dan situation. He was the only friend I had ever really had, and I wasn't as close to my siblings or my parents as I am now, so I didn't really have anyone to help me through it. I was pretty miserable, and I really didn't think I had any reason to live." I felt Phil tense slightly as he suspected what the story was leading up to.

"I thought about suicide a lot, and one day was particularly bad because Dan finally joined in on the people who bullied me. Instead of just standing to the side making rumors, he actually pointed me out, laughing with his new so-called friends at my expense. So, I got home, and I went to the bathroom where all the medicines were. I found what I thought was the strongest thing out of the cabinet of medicines was, I took it back to my room, and I sat on the floor, staring at the bottle of pills for a long time, just thinking it over. I figured it would help me get the nerves to actually do it if I saw all the pills, so I opened the bottle and poured them out on the floor in front of me. If I would have just taken them right then, I don't know if I'd be alive today.. but I still hesitated," I stopped, remembering the next moment vividly. Phil seemed to subconsciously hold onto me a bit tighter as the story went on.

"I hesitated long enough for Matt to come knocking at my door, swinging it open and asking if I wanted to play some video game before he stopped in the middle of his sentence. I can still remember his expression when he saw all the pills spread out across the floor in front of me. His face completely dropped. It looked like he lost all color to his skin. He didn't say anything, just closed the door behind him and sat down on the floor with me. He pulled me into his arms and begged me to talk to him.. begged me to never even think about it again," I finished off the retelling, not looking at Phil to see his facial expression.

"I guess that's why Mrs. Maron was so worried when you weren't messaging me or Dan back today," I nodded against his shoulder where my head had been laying the entire time. "Yeah, Matt told mum and dad. They then told Mr. Evans about it, so he could make sure to keep an eye on me.. and that was the year I first had Mrs. Maron's class, so he told her about it once I started staying in her room during my free time," I spoke softly.

I finally looked up at Phil and wasn't met with the look of pity that I expected, because that's what most people would have given me, but was instead met with one of understanding and slight sadness. The small, weak smile he gave to me when I looked at him was reassuring. He didn't pity me because of my past, and I was happy for that.

"Well, I promise that if you ever need someone to help you through something like that, I'll be there. I would never be able to handle losing you like that when I could've done something about it," Phil's words were quiet, calming. I smiled for what felt like the millionth time of the night.

"I promise I will tell you about anything that's bothering me.. and I'll make sure to always go to you, or Matt, or someone if I ever start to get to that point again," I reassured him. "That's all I ask," he replied, then kept quiet as the space moved into silence again. It was another while of us lying there together, listening to each other's breathing and any sounds coming from outside which wasn't much.

"We'll probably hate ourselves tomorrow if we don't go to bed soon," I finally spoke up, feeling the slightest bit tired. "Yeah, most likely. I'm still not tired though," Phil responded with a sigh. "Same. Might as well try to go to sleep though," I agreed along with him. I didn't want to leave his embrace, but I would have to go back to my own room. I hugged him a bit tighter before pulling away, him moving his arms away to let me go. I got up with a sigh, looking at him.

"Goodnight, Phil," I said, getting a small smile from him. "Goodnight, Aliah," he returned. I walked over to the door, opening it and hearing the creaking hinges which seemed to echo through the silence. I looked back at Phil before I left, "You know, I love you, right?"

He let out a small laugh, "I love you too." I smiled, going out and closing the door behind me.

A/N:
Protect smol angel bean Philip, both story and real life.

I want that super platonic friendship tbh. The cutest, ahh.

I just realized that I started writing this story when I was in 8th grade. They're juniors (this au is such a mix between American and British idec) and now, I am still writing this story as I am a junior. Wow, I suck at updating, and also, I can't believe that.

Thank you all for reading!
xx Megan