Worse » daniel howell AU

14

[tw for panic attacks & overall sad angst]

"Aliah, I need to talk to you about something."

"Hm?" I let out as I looked over at Mrs. Maron. She glanced across the room, most likely at Dan, before she looked my way.

"Phil pointed something out to me yesterday," Mrs. Maron spoke more quietly toward me. She continued after a short moment to judge my expression, "his requirements list for the program is more updated. His states that you must tutor 2 or more students out of the regimen of failure and to a C or higher average." That is the exact moment that I felt like everything stopped, even if only for a few seconds.

I had already tutored one student out of failing grades, but I needed one more. Dan was supposed to be the second student I tutored, and he would count whether the tutoring helped or not. With this update to the requirement, I still needed to tutor one more student out of failing. Dan hadn't improved his grades like I wanted him too, and now there wasn't enough time left.

The deadline was in a couple of weeks. There was no way Dan could pull his grades from an F to a C in only 2-3 weeks.

I realized that I had spaced out when I felt a hand on my shoulder. The touch triggered everything to start moving around me once again. I caught a glimpse of Mrs. Maron's worried expression before I rose to my feet. The hand that was placed on my shoulder, knowing now that it was Phil's as I zoned back into the real world, fell away as I stood.

"I've got to- uh- got to go to the bathroom," the words were stumbled as I rushed to get them out before I quickly walked out of the classroom.

I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to be around Mrs. Maron or Phil or Dan. I especially didn't want to be in this hallway crowded of students of varying ages. It felt too claustrophobic. It felt like I could feel the body heat of every single person inhabiting that hallway as I squirmed my way through them.

By the time I pushed open the door to the bathroom and rushed into the large handicapped stall, I was breathing heavily from what I could assume was a combination of the suffocating feeling from the hallway and the news I had just received.

The only problem with being alone was that I got caught up in my thoughts. I had nothing to distract me, so I instantly went to my thoughts. These were the worst times for that.

Especially since I had spent so long trying to piece myself back together after Dan broke me, only for me to be slowly ripping apart at the seams when he came back into my life. The sole fact that I was only associating with him for my own good, to get into this program, was the one reason why I was yet to lose it again.

I could already tell that was all over. I was already falling apart, and it scared me. I didn't want to go back to how it was before.

I didn't want to become the Aliah I was after the situation with Dan again, not when she was the version of myself who didn't see a purpose to being here, to living. I didn't want to go back to feeling like everything was so worthless, including myself.

That fear seemed to add to the weight on my chest. That pressure that made it feel like someone had placed a cinder block, or something of equal weight, on my chest and left me to get it off myself.

I was still leaning against the stall door from when I had rushed in, closing and locking it in a hurry. Suddenly, it seemed like I had no energy, so I just slid down the door, resting myself on the floor as I continued to let out deep, panicked gasps of air.

I curled in on myself in a motion that I assumed was only to make me feel safer in this place that just.. wasn't. But if we were beginning to classify places where I didn't feel emotionally safe, then it would be a list of plain no's.

My legs had curled up close to my torso while my arms had moved to curl around my legs, pulling them around me closer. My face was resting against both of my knees before I readjusted by pulling my arms away and putting them around my head, which was now resting lightly between my knees.

I felt hot tears trailing down my cheeks, but I refused to wipe at my face, instead allowing the streaks left behind to dry before new tears fell and covered them once again. I knew I would look like a mess when I left this bathroom, but I didn't have enough energy, or even purpose to care.

It was a few minutes before my breathing slowed to a rate that was almost normal and the tears falling from my eyes stalled.

I knew I would have to go back to Mrs. Maron's classroom. I would have to be back before the bell rang as well, which didn't give me too much time to gather up the strength to uncurl my body and push myself off of the gross, tiled floor. My hand shook slightly as I unlocked the latch on the door causing a small clack sound that echoed through the empty restroom.

I shuffled my way over to the sink where my eyes met my reflection that stared back at my through the mirror. My eyes were red, obviously still watery from my massive breakdown of tears. They were accompanied by my matching red nose and cheeks that were similarly tinged with the color of red with additional streaks leading straight from my eyes to my jaw from the dried paths of my teardrops.

I simply wiped my face down with some water from the sink, hoping to make myself look the least bit better. I had already made the assumption that I would only be able to really get the tear stains from my cheeks off. That had to be correct as I couldn't just wash away the red coloring from my cheeks, nose, and eyes. I would just have to go along with it.

I made my way back to the class hesitantly, the hall now seeming less crowded from lack of panic. My feet felt as if they were too heavy to carry, probably because of me subconsciously not wanting to move an inch, which made my feet shuffle along the ground as I moved.

I stepped- or more accurately scuffed- my way into Mrs. Maron's classroom. The sound of my shoes dragging along the floor caused the heads of the three presences in the room to look my way.

Dan was standing closer to Mrs. Maron's desk by now. His eyes met mine, and I knew he wanted to say something as soon as I saw them. I was, again, correct.

"Hey... Are you-" He began to speak, but I only ignored him, shuffling my way back to the chair I had been sitting in beside Phil.

Dan was the last person I wanted to speak to at the moment, and I didn't want to speak to anyone at the moment.

Phil understood that. Phil didn't say anything. He only moved his chair closer, putting his arm around my back and pulling me gently against him. My head was against his shoulder, my eyes closed, and his hand rubbing calmingly across my side.

No one said anything.

A/N:
Originally posted this during the school day, but that was a dumb idea, and the chapter flopped. So I'm reposting now! Wooo.

Yeah, this was pretty sad, but I'm a sad human being. Plus I have purpose for that. Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed my detailed description of sadness.

Leave some comments because I love them! Just as much as I love all of you guys! Thanks for reading!
xx Megan