Work In Progress

1.05 Best Friends

[Pipette and Periscope walk through the field.]

Periscope: Thank you for the sheets.

Pipette: Ah, don't worry about it. I looted them a few years back. They're in good condition, right?

[The scene changes to Dice and Periscope's kitchen. Pipette and Periscope sit, eating cookies.]

Pipette: Where did you get cookies?

Periscope: Well you know those oats we got, like, two months ago?

Pipette: Yeah, I got oats too. I gave you guys my oats.

Periscope: Well, we also melted the chocolate we had and used up that weird caramel we've had for forever. Pretty good, right?

Pipette: They'd be better with shredded coconut.

Periscope: We don't have shredded coconut.

Pipette: Well, duh. Anyways, you got any good mail recently?

Periscope: Actually, yeah. We got a coloring book. It had no address on it, not even ours, and it was half-filled in, but we're keeping it anyways. You?

Pipette: No. I haven't checked my mail since that guy showed up.

[There's a pause.]

Periscope: I don't like that guy.

Pipette: Tell me about it. He's the worst. "Do you have this? Well, do you have this?" No! I don't! Stop being so western.

Periscope: How long has he been here?

Pipette: Since last night.

Periscope: So the mail hasn't even come yet?

Pipette: Yeah, no, the mail hasn't come yet. Wait, why do you not like him?

Periscope: He's too nosy.

[Periscope takes a moment to glare at Pipette, then returns to the cookies.]

Pipette: What, me?

Periscope: Yeah, you.

Pipette: What did I do?

Periscope: You know exactly what you did. You know what? Never mind. I don't even want to talk about it. I don't know why I keep thinking these things up.

Pipette: Wait... is this about that thing? Wait, was I right?!

Periscope: You're never right in the head or in the morals. Pipe.

Pipette: I WAS right! I'm going to tell Dice!

Periscope: Even if you were right, you can't tell Dice.

Pipette: And why not, pray tell?

Periscope: Because we're best friends.

Pipette: Butterscotch. You're right.

Periscope: And as my best friend, if you ever call me the M-word, I'm going to stab you.

Pipette: Come on, Peri, we both know you wouldn't stab me.

Periscope: Come on, Pipette, we both know you wouldn't be the first person I've stabbed.

[They sit in silence. Pipette reaches for another cookie.]

Pipette: I'm sure we can have a rational discussion about this.

Periscope: I'm sure that I don't want to have any sort of discussion about this.

Pipette: No, come on, if D doesn't know, then does anyone?

[Pipette gasps.]

Pipette: Does Aglet?

Periscope: No one knows anything that I haven't told them, and I'm not telling anyone anything ever. If anyone really cares about anything about me, they can figure it out on their own.

Pipette: Does Aglet even know you-

Periscope: Do you ever shut up?

[Pipette shuts up.]

Periscope: I don't want to talk about anything that doesn't matter anymore. That... whole thing, it doesn't matter anymore.

Pipette: ... Hey, did you ever get your medal, by the way?

Periscope: No.

Pipette: Did Dice?

Periscope: Dice didn't get offered a medal.

Pipette: ... Say, why were they over to see Aglet this early in the morning? I thought you two went over to see Aglet last night.

Periscope: There was a bug on my bed sheets and our coffee sucks.

Pipette: That explains literally nothing.

Periscope: Oh, then, I fell asleep on accident.

Pipette: Why can't you ever just directly answer a question?

[Periscope appears confused.]

Periscope: I thought I was.

Pipette: Well, you're not.

Periscope: Well, sorry.

[There is a brief silence.]

Periscope: You know, it's not just that that I want to forget. I want to forget everything about the west, really. Everything about the war, too. Someone will always bring it up, and I have to think about it all over again.

Pipette: ... I'm sorry. Yeah, it's not an easy thing for anyone, but I can understand why you might more than most others.

Periscope: Why I might what?

Pipette: Be afraid of bugs.

[Pipette picks up another cookie.]

Pipette: You know what you should do to distract yourself?

Periscope: What?

Pipette: Ask Aglet out.

Periscope: Pipe, come on-

Pipette: No, I'm serious. You should. Plus then, it'll stop being super weird.

Periscope: Nothing is weird. Besides, there's no such thing as "out," there's nowhere else to be.

Pipette: Tell you what, if you do, I'll forget the money they owe me. That, plus I'll stop threatening to fight them every twenty seconds. Sound like a deal?

Periscope: ... You'd really forget their debt to you?

Pipette: Sure, but don't act like I'm not also helping you. You've been acting crush-y for the past few months. It's so sweet it makes me sick. Does Dice know?

Periscope: I guess. It's not like we talk about things like that, but it would explain why they made us stay over for coffee after I fell asleep last night.

Pipette, inwardly: Oh, the coffee. That makes sense.

Periscope: Do you think Aglet likes me?

Pipette, at a normal volume: Of course they do. And even if they don't, I'll help you figure something out.

Periscope: But why?

Pipette, smiling: Because we're best friends, remember?

[credits]