Barely Holding On

Chapter 16

A couple of weeks passed and Nash barely even looked at me. I kept trying to talk about that night, wanting to know what it meant to him but he wouldn’t give me the time of day. I knew I was being stupid and overanalyzing things, but I couldn’t help it. That night meant something to me, I just didn’t know what.

Cameron and I were still ‘going out’, but it honestly didn’t feel like it. He didn’t know what was going on with my mom, he didn’t ask and I didn’t want to tell him. All he did was drag me to party after party and ditch me half-way through, most likely hook up with some other girl.

I stood in the shower trying to let the water to beat some common sense into me, but it just wasn’t working. I knew the logical thing was to break up with Cameron, after all I had cheated on him and I didn’t even feel bad about it. The thing that kept bugging me was did I not care about cheating on someone, or did I just not care about cheating on Cameron? They were two very different things. One made me kind of a bad person, and the other made me a REALLY bad person.

I banged my head against the shower wall, ugh. What had my life turned into? My mom was in some mental institute, my best friend still wasn’t talking to me, and my supposed boyfriend was cheating on me. I had some serious fucking problems. 

I knew I should break up with Cameron, after all that was the logical thing to do, but I just couldn’t seem to do it. I felt like I would be disappointing the younger version of myself who desperately craved to be Cameron’s girlfriend. And, it wasn’t like there were other guys throwing themselves at me.

I turned the shower off and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around me.

When I stepped out of the shower I screamed when I saw that Nash was in the bathroom with me. “What the fuck? How long have you been in here?” I demanded.

He grunted a reply and continued doing what he was doing, which appeared to be his hair. Was he going somewhere tonight?

It was a Saturday night, and there was a party (which I was getting ready for because my boyfriend was dragging me there) as always, so maybe Nash was going?

“Are you going to the party tonight?” I asked running a brush through my hair.

He grunted another reply.

I slammed my brush down on the counter making him jump, “What the fuck is your problem?”

He actually looked me in the eye for the first time in a while. He appeared to be having some sort of internal debate.

“Well?” I asked getting impatient.

He slammed me against the door and smashed his lips onto mine. I didn’t waist a second. I quickly wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in more, intensifying the kiss. Cameron and I had kissed, but it was never like this. It never made me feel alive and wanted; honestly when I was kissing him I might as well have been kissing a wall. But with Nash…

Nash ran his hands up and down my back, and the fact that I was in nothing but a towel was not easily forgotten. I kept thinking about how easy it would be for it to simply come off…

Nash started to pull away, but I grabbed his shirt and pulled him back for more. This seemed to drive him crazy because he pushed himself closer to me, his knee pushing in between mine. I ran my fingers all through his soft hair. That was when I decided that I wanted him, like wanted him. I moved my hands to his belt buckle and started to undo it. He grabbed my wrists and stopped me, pulling away.

“What?” I asked out of breath, “Is it because I’m a virgin?” I asked a little embarrassed.

He rested his forehead against mine, our heavy breaths mixing together.

“I wish it were that simple…” he sighed, and completely detached himself from me.

I could tell by the look in his eyes that whatever had just happened was over and wouldn’t go any farther, not matter how badly I wanted it too.