All my love

10%

"DAD NO" I screamed throwing myself up of my pillow, my eyes trailing around my dark bedroom, small lights shining through from the cars driving
Past

It was just a dream..just a dream

The same dream that's been keeping me up all most every night. The same dream that is in actual fact my reality

A reality so cruel I couldn't be myself. Not after everything that happened. It was just nearly impossible. It is nearly impossible.

I guess then it is just completely impossible.

I couldn't show who I really am. A depressed model? Nobody wants that. Everybody wants the happy, hot, sexy confident Mia conte, who models for people to look at it. And believe me when I tell you how much I really fucking wish that was who I actually was

God I could pray every night, hoping that I turn out to be that mia conte. But it's just not how it works.

Tears, tears and more tears fell down my cheeks, my heart racing more than it should be. My hands shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't breathe. I cant fucking breathe.

My mind racing with thoughts I can't get rid of. The room spinning around me. "I-I can't do this" I yell to myself gripping onto the white bed sheets, the cold breeze from the open bedroom window hitting me.

My breathing getting uncontrollable, no matter how hard I tried to get myself feeling back to well, fake Mia. I just can't. My mind is focusing to much On the accident rather than calming myself

I blame myself more and more everyday and I can't take it anymore.and it was my fault. I honestly should have made him put the seat belt on and it wouldn't be as bad.

Nobody understands how hard to hear the words you're father passed away is until you've been through it. And believe me, you can feel you're heart breaking. No matter who it is.

"Breathe Mia breathe" I whisper to myself dropping my head back onto my pillow. My nails digging into the duvet sheet hard. Screwing my eyes tight shut

•

"So, how are you" Kelsey smiled taking a seat on my sofa. A cup of coffee in her hand along with her MacBook she always seems to keep in hand.

And today although her hair is in a pony tail she still looks incredible, she always does. She doesn't even need to try.

"I didn't get much sleep" I lifted my white coffee mug of the table taking a small sip as I crossed my legs on the couch, resting my back against the sofa arm

"How come" she asked leaning back also getting herself comfy. She placed her coffee and computer on the table turning around to face me properly

"Just...I-I don't know" I say chuckling, slightly shrugging my shoulder as I place my cup back on the table resting the side of my head in my hand "I just can't get these thoughts out my head"

"What kind" she asked, her facial expression quickly changing to concerned as she held my hand noticing the tears forming in my eyes making my vision go blurry

"That it was all my fault" I say gripping onto her hand "every night I have the same dream, the exact moment the car flipped. The Vision of my dads face as he grabbed me, stuck in the front of my mind. And it's killing me Kelsey,I don't know how much longer I can take of this" I sob wiping my tears away. My heart racing as I spilled out everything I had to say.

"Mia listen to me, none of it was you're fault. Maybe you should go a doctor or something" her words were softly spoken but hit my heart hard with the quiet stern in her voice.

"I've been so many goddamn times and it's done nothing, I just need to forget" I say "which is going to be really really hard"

"You miss him don't you" she said, the tears already forming back into my eyes, immediately falling down my face. I just nodded looking at her. Her arms wrapping around me tight in a warm loveable embrace. This is why I love Kelsey. She knows what to do and how to make me feel better, at least a little bit

"I miss him so much" I cry into her shoulder, her arms tightening around me more. As my head rested on her shoulder more tears falling From my eyes

"I love you okay, I love the fake mia conte, and I love the real Mia conte even more because that's who you are and whether or not you feel you're messed up which you're totally not, it's normal to be like this. You will always be my best friend" she said my head lifting from her shoulder "no matter how crazy you are" she smiled making me chuckle

"You're the best Kelsey, I love you to. Thank you so much" I say hugging her again. Tears still falling.

Have you ever just felt so lost, but so loved at the same time. Have you ever actually felt you're heart break because I have.So many times in my twenty two years of living.

I felt like I've cried all the tears I can. Broke my heart as many times possible. And yet I still get tears streaming down my face,the feeling of my heart continuously breaking little by little, nearly ever single day. The amount of times my arms have been cut, the amount of times I've thought of joining my dad up there is unbelievable and I just can't think positive about it.

There's always going to be something that's missing from my life. Or at least that's what it feels like right now.like there's a space that needs to be filled. Other wise I just don't think I can be happy.

And right now....feeling happy almost seems impossible, in my twisted, messed up mind that just doesn't want me to be positive. Instead it wants me to be hurt, depressed and of course, broken.

I still remember the last day I spend with him. The drive around town. Buying loads of things just because. And now look at me, He's gone and I'm alone.