All my love

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"Honey, can you hand me that plate" I nodded.lifting the colourful glass plate out of the half empty cardboard box and carefully handing it to my mum "you okay?you seem out of it"

"No I'm fine" I shrug taking a seat on the counter watching as my mum began to clear away the plates. Nervously I began to play with the ring on my middle finger, the one my father gave me "do you think, you'll ever get over it" I ask

"Over what honey" no eye contact was made starting this conversation. It was like she didn't care at all. I let out a quiet sigh as my mum rearranged the kitchen. She recently moved Into a new house and she's been busy working on it for a long now, I feel as if I hadn't had the chance to see her. Or even speak to her And ever since my father died our connection has always been different

The loss changed the both of us completely.

"Dad passing" the little crack in my voice indicated I was holding back the tears forming up in my eyes. But my mother didn't look at me or anything. She paused for a second before carrying on working around the kitchen

"I..I don't know" finally she spoke up. Completely stopping what she was doing and eventually turning to look at me. She didn't look sad, she just looked confused, ill even. And to heck what I look like right now

"It's so hard mum" I say letting the odd tear fall down my face. "Life is so much harder without him" The room fell silent, my mum taking small steps towards me until i had been pulled of the counter and into the arms every girl needs. Her mothers.

But there not the arms I want, it's not the right person giving me this loving hug. Yeah I needed it and yes I never want to let go But I need one hug from one person just to fill that hole in my heart that just can't be filled without this one hug from the person I miss truly.

The man that I can't forget about, the man that kept me strong, that supported me through everything and anything.

"Honey, I know it's hard and believe me I know that nothing is ever going to be the same again. Because trust me you're dad made this family complete. But he isn't gone, he's in here" she said gently placing her hand onto my chest, just over my beating heart but no. I don't believe it

So many people tell me he's with me in my heart. But I don't want that. I want him here in person. I want him back. I want to hear his voice, his laugh.

I want his hugs, his kisses and most of all I want his love. I miss feeling what it was like to be loved by someone who you know is going to Love you unconditionally without worrying whether or not they will stop loving you at some point in their life.

And yes I get that from my mum. And you would think my father passing would bring me and mother closer. But it didn't. It separated us. This is the first time I've seen her in over two months and believe me it's been a struggle.

My mother, father and I had such a close family bond. And that was all because of my dad. He was the glue of the family because without him I wouldn't have completely got along with my mum.

And when he passed our family tore right down the middle.we weren't close anymore, we didn't have that special bond. We separated and weren't there for each other as much as we should have been

"Honey we just have to be strong, make you're father proud" she replied pulling back from the embrace we both had on each other. Her cold hands placing on either side of my shoulders as she spoke. Her words bouncing right of me as more tears fell down my face "I promise everything will be okay" and with that she gave me a kiss on the forehead,letting go of my body and turning around "Now help me with these mugs"

Thinking about it. Time goes quick. Unbelievably quick Because before you know it, it's you're time to go, it's you're turn to leave the people that love you with a broken heart. To crush them and destroy them in every way. 

It happens and at some point you'll be the cause.

Being broken hearted is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. And you don't know that until you feel you're heart break. And believe me you know when it happens.

Because you feel the ache in you're chest, the tears not giving you a chance to notice them. And just then you know, everything is going to go downhill unless I sort myself out.

And Believe me, you have to do that on you're own.

Nobody can tell you how you feel, or what to feel. You decide and you learn how to deal with it in you're own way. The way that works best for you.

The drive home took longer than expected or maybe it just felt that way because i was so lost in thought. Either way I knew I just wanted to sleep.

My whole house was dark,silent and cold. Just like how my heart feels. Deep I know but it's the truth. And it will forever be the truth.

It's all about finding you're inner self. Who you want to be. I know I've found that. I know who I want to be, I just need to learn how to be her.

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Sorry it's short,it's because it's building up to all the exciting stuff that's about to go down.

Let me know how you guys feel about this book because I love you're feedback

Anyway let me know in the comments how the book is so far because I love reading through comments :)

Goodbye for now

-jannike smith💫❤️