Shades of Purple

Chapter 15

The week was horrible. But not because of the comments Heather and Georgia were making, no because ever since Mickey took too much aspirin she'd been feeling off. Not the I forgot something for a second off where your stomach drops. No. The kind where your stomach has dropped already and it just never came back. 

She constantly felt like something was seriously off. She would feel numb but then cry over a stupid thing like tv, but when it came to facing the real issues in her life... 

Nothing. 

Mickey felt trapped, heart beating irregular and fast. very jumpy and had a lot of panic and anxiety attacks. She felt like if she just cried it all out it would somehow solve all the problems. All the pain, hurt, anxiety, numbness, and feelings would go away. But nothing was working. She didn't know what to do to get ride of this awful feeling of dread. Like she was in a limbo phase between almost crying but not at the same time...

Incomplete.   

Sometimes Mickey wished her parents noticed her more. She wished her mom wasn't so worried about Ryan. She wished her dad would ask her whats wrong once and a while, just to check in. Nothing to insane, just something that showed that they didn't think she was capable. Something that showed that she didn't have to carry the weight of living by herself. (yes that was a Bastille reference, good job. If you haven't heard the song go check it out *the weight of living*) 

But at the same time she needed them to not notice her because some sick part of her doesn't want to let them in. Some sick and twisted part of her wants to keep all this shit inside. She wants to prove she can do it on her own. But Mickey knows she can't. She never could. If Mickey new one thing about herself it was that she was a stuffer. She stuffed her feelings. And they would end up coming out in shorts bursts. 

Sometimes Mickey felt so overwhelmed. It was so much to handle. High school, friends, sexuality, church, family. Some how Mickey didn't find herself as one off her main problems. She knew she was number one. But she was the hardest to understand. Mickey didn't know what exactly what was wrong but at the same time she did.She was numb on second and felt like she was just there...

Floating.

But the next she would be fine and able to put a (somewhat) real smile on her face. But she knew deep down something was terribly wrong. yes Mickey thought about dying more that usual, but she never actually considered it. But Mickey had to do something about not feeling anything. She knew she was depressed. But her parents didn't need to know, they had enough to deal with for now with Ryan and his depression. 

No. She couldn't tell them, not that she wanted to anyway. But it wasn't the right time. But telling someone wouldn't help her. She needed to do something. How could she force emotion into herself? Then she got an idea. Mickey always got emotional when she listened to music. She was always able to express herself through it. Maybe if she listened to music and cry about it she could prove to herself that she still had emotions and was human. 

So Mickey pulled out her computer. She pulled up Spotify and played her cry your eyes out playlist. She listened to a few songs and nothing was working. Arms, Micheal in the bathroom, blackbird (glee version) then Concrete angels came on. (play song above, or you know... not) She listened to it a few times and eventually a few tears dropped from her face. She had ever been so relieved. 

But it still wasn't enough, this wasn't enough. How could she cry about a stupid character dying in a tv show and not bawl about this or her own problems? Mickey started to get frantic. She was sitting on her bedroom floor when one of her dogs came up stairs. The black Chihuahua came bounding up the steps. Mickey giggled. 

"Hey Champ" She said patting his head. He started to nip at her fingers and play. She sighed and pinned the little dog down on his back by his stomach. He wiggled around and got free, standing on his back legs and scratching his long nails at Mickey's arm. Mickey knew that Champs claws were sharp and gave you scratches so she pulled away. But looked back at the dog getting an idea. 

The pain was real. The first thing she was sure of that day. So she kept pushing the dog so he would bate and scratch Mickey. The dog left marks all over her arm but that wasn't enough... 

She wanted to bleed. 

So she became more aggressive and so did Champ. They wrestled until Mickey was blood ooze from her wrist. It wasn't a deep cut by an means, but it would leave a mark. She looked at the raised up lines all across her right arm. She smiled at the work the dog had done to her arm and walked down stairs to get a band aid. Feeling a bit better than before she came to sit in the living room. She was at her moms house but her mom and dad were still good friends so her dad was also sitting on the couch watching tv. 

He noticed the band aid. Luckily the other scratches were already starting to disappear. So she could pass it off without looking too suspicious. 

"What's with the band aid Mckenna?" her eyes widened slightly but quickly shot back. 

"Oh, I was just playing with Champ and he got me" She shrugged. And that was that. Nothing more was said, which saddened Mickey. She hopped her parents or more her dad would be worried about her and not just send her to fend for herself all the time. But this was her life. At this she got up and walked to the kitchen. 

***

It had been a week and two days. Mickey had never attempted to try and cut herself from playing with her dogs or anything else for that matter. But that doesn't mean she didn't think about it. No she thought about it a lot. It had been pretty temping but since she was at her dads house she didn't have a place to herself so she thought better. But tonight she was making brownies and it was only her and Ryan who were home. her dad had taken Cassidy to the store and her brother was in his room. 

The timer beeped and she pulled out the mitten from the drawer and used a towel for the other handle on the glass brownie pan. She was hungry now and wanted the brownies with some vanilla ice cream. but she'd made them enough to know that if you don't let them cool they break hen you try to cut them. 

But maybe if she used a sharper knife it would work better. So she got out a steak knife and hovered over the pan. But them she thought to herself. Ryan's the only one home, and he's upstairs. She could cut right now and no one would know, but she'd never cut herself before. The closest thing she got to actual cutting was her dog biting her.  

She looked down at the shiny blade and gripped it tightly in her hand as a tear slipped from her face.