One and the Same

38

-'It's a long way to go...it's gonna be a hard path with a lot of misses okay?' The doctor looked at Gaga in the eye. Gaga held her gaze, and thought for a second, -'What's it gonna mean for us? Or...me, physically', the doctor nodded, -'Well, it's definetely gonna be teamwork-'; as the doctor went on and on in explaining Gaga and Lukas about IVF, the more her heart sank. She felt as if she was melting through the chair. She looked at her boyfriend briefly, who held her hand, -'...This sounds exhausting. I-I dont have the availability to do all these tests, I have to work and I won't be able to stand heartbreak after heartbreak', the doctor nodded, -'Well, I'm just here to explain to you all the implicated parts of IVF before you decide on something', Gaga sighed deeply, -'I think we're not...good candidates for it then' she exhaled in dismay, -'As much as I want another baby, I don't think I'll know how to deal with such pressure. Or the schedule, or the resting periods...', -'It's good when people know whats not viable for them', Gaga nodded and caressed Lukas' hands, -'So we just...continue trying', the doctor chuckled and nodded, -'Yes, you two are young, it'll turn fine for you ', Gaga smiled gently and got up with Lukas, -'I guess that's it then! We just wanted to get like an insight in all this' Lukas' thick southern accent drilled the doctor's ears, -'I'm avaible if anything comes up or if you change your mind okay? Always at your service', Gaga nodded and gave the woman a firm handshake, -'Nice to meet you, Loren'.

*****

Gaga didn't said anything the whole ride home. Not a single thing. She didn't even sighed.
Even at home, Lukas started to cook something (or try to cook) while she laid down and checked some work, -'There's people, that in their lifetime, will never know what it is to have a child' she thought out loud, Lukas stopped what he was doing to listen to her, -'There's women who will never know what it feels like to see the product of your love with another person, and being surrounded with this amazing energy and just cuddling it because you wanna protect them from everything bad in this world...and here I am, I felt that once...and I'm complaining, cuz that's what I always do' she froze for a second and let her shoulders drop, -'Stef, it's good to put out there how you feel, youre not complaining, it's normal how this affects you!', -'No, but I am! I have a daughter already, why do I have to be so greedy and think about more more more?' She sobbed into her hands, -'Why are you crying baby? I'm sorry', -'I just miss her, it's been two weeks since we last spoke and-and I really don't know what to do anymore...I'm afraid of failing, that's all', Lukas looked down, sad to see the woman of his life so heartbroken, -'So...pack your bags, we should just go for her', Gaga shook her head, -'I'll let her choose. She'll realize soon enough the scum she chose to trust, instead of her own mother'.