One and the Same

34

Gaga and Lukas woke up around the same time, making their morning routine as always. She looked exhausted and drained but still going. Lukas had an inherent glow to him that she always envied.
-'How do you feel today' he asked after spitting out toothpaste foam, -'I'm fine. A bit sore...you said it was red yesterday?', -'Yeah, a little. It should be better today if you put cream on it', -'Maybe...so what are we gonna do today?', -'I have to go meet the band for a little soundcheck and then we can do whatever you want', Gaga nodded and sighed deeply, -'I look like shit, I need some primer' Gaga rubbed some tinted primer on her hands and rubbed it on her face thoroughly, -'Now I'm better' she tried to smile at her reflection but to no avail.

Lukas was cutting up some fruit for his girlfriend since that's all she wanted to eat throughout the day, -'Hey wheres Maria?', Gaga put a hand up her face and rubbed her temples, -'She hasnt come down yet, I dont wanna wake her up for nothing', -'Yeah...it's just strange that we arent hearing music or yelling in her room right', -'Shes probably tired...much like me' Gaga sighed deeply, -'Look at the picture I found' she held her iPhone up and showed Lukas a picture of Maria when she was a little baby, -'That is so cute...look at those black curls!', -'Isnt she the sweetest? She was like six months old here, so adorable', -'And now...she's a young woman, hard to imagine how fast they grow up', Gaga nodded and locked her phone, -'Seems like yesterday that my life changed forever...anyway...we're here now and things arent so good. I'd rather deal with a newborn now' Gaga sighed deeply and went outside, drenching in warm sunlight, -'It's sooo nice outside, and it's only 10, we should go to the market today and get us something nice to eat', -'Stef you barely eat, almost all the food is on the fridge...', Gaga rolled her eyes at the sun and scrunched up her face, -'Yeah well, I like cooking but I'm not very hungry', Lukas tried not to say anything to not upset her but now that she wasnt eating almost anything, he had to speak.
He looked around to make sure they were completely alone. Sometimes one or two people were too close around and could hear their conversations, and that's not okay for him.
Lukas went out into the sun too and grabbed her hand, which now felt warm and was slightly moist due to the sweat already forming on her body, -'Hey...come here', Gaga frowned, -'Whats up?' She sniffled up a tear and sat on Lukas' lap under the shade of an umbrella. Lukas smiled at her sadly and held her leg, caressing it gently, -'I know how you feel Stef...', -'Oh Lukas, if you wanna talk about tha-', -'Of course I do. Of course I wanna talk about what happened a week ago...because if we dont, we wont completely move on. And now you're not eating baby, and that's showing and I'm worried', Gaga shook her head, -'Everyone judges me' she mumbled, wiping away some tears, she was talking to herself and that's how she used to sink into depression and crazy paranoia, -'Stefani no one is judging you, I-', -'No, you are. And my mom is, and my dad and my own daughter. Y'all think I'm crazy for being absolutely heartbroken', Lukas fell silent, it was better to let her vent, -'My heart hurts so bad I just dont care about anything else Lukas...ever since the miscarriage I can only think of what if it had not happened...right?' She wasnt looking at him in the eye, she didnt need to to seem honest. -'I can only think of, like...were they boy or a girl? What name would they have? That magical moment of their birth and all the love between us, ALL. THAT. There is not a moment that I have not thought about it' now she was full blown crying, desperately. Lukas now understood completely. She wanted to do things the right way this time. With Maria, everything was scary, and rushed and painful because she was only a teenager back then. Now she had the opportunity to be a proper mom again...
-'And-and I just dont know what to do with myself' she calmed herself down and glared at him. Her eyes were swollen, her cheeks were blushing red and her hands were wet from the tears. Before Lukas could say anything, Ashley came out into the patio quite agitated and held up a post it, -'This was on Maria's pillow'.