Fangirl // A Tanner Fox fanfiction

29

warning: contains suicidal thoughts. you can skip the journal part

Tears roll down my cheeks after I finish reading his journal. He shouldn't be treated that way. No one should actually.

"I'm sorry" I cry hard after closing his journal and holding it in my hand.

A knock from the door brought me back to reality. "Hey ABS, h..how are you holding up?"

"Oh...uhh I'm good. I'm good! Honestly" I try to smile and be as optimistic as possible but a single tear from me left eye starts to roll down my cheek.

Rachel gestures me to come out of the room to talk after seeing Tanner sleeping and we decided not to disturb him.

Rachel immediately gives me a hug after I close the door and we both sit on the hallway outside of the room. She also rubs my back with her knuckles because apparently I just can't control my tears and my emotions.

After minutes of hugging and back rubbing, she notices the journal I'm holding.

"Hey what's this?" She says.

"Rachel, I've never felt more guilty in my entire life.... I ..... I ... it's.... it's all my fault!"

"No.... no.... it's not your fault no one knew this was going to happen" Rachel says.

"Actually....."

I told Rachel about that night at Drew's house. From his girlfriend breaking up with him to him trying to kiss me. When I finished, Rachel just looks confused and rub both of her temples together.

She tries to go back to reality and just looks at me straight in the eye.

".....and you didn't tell me that this happened..."

"I was so caught up with everything Rachel! It's been complicated these few days!"

She looks and me nonchalantly and just nods.

"And I found this in his bedroom" I flip to the very end of the journal, showing Drew's last entry for Rachel to read.

*********

"Does his mom know? About his life? About anything?"

"I don't think so. As according to his journal. His mom doesn't understand him."

"Should we show them this?"

As if on cue, Tanner walks out of the door with a bed head, rubbing his eyes,

"Show me what?" He says.

We call Josh to my house so that we can all read his journal and decide what to do next.

"Let me read this thing before I start to go all crazy and emotional" Josh immediately say the second he arrives at my house.

I open the journal for both of the boys to see,

Dear journal, this may be the last time you're going to hear from me but I feel like I this is the most important thing i have to tell you before I go . I really really hate my life. All this time I felt like an outcast, a misfit. I know I have my best of friends and I care about them more than I care about myself. I don't even know my parents. Physically, they're always there but, they're not really  here with me. All my past relationships, they all left me and made me feel like trash, garbage, like I'm just an object for them to use and discard, all of them never cared about my feelings  but there's this one girl that I've been head over heels for the moment I saw her. She's the only person who cared about my feelings, whether I'm having a good day or a bad day, she's always there for me but sadly, she doesn't feel that way about me. She's only got eyes for Tanner. Tanner this, Tanner that. She's such a fangirl.....and I hate it so much. I wish I could have her all to myself. I guess this is it. Goodbye.

Josh looks at me after reading it. He sighs and say,

"I'm going home now, I don't want to feel anything right now. Rachel?"

Rachel gives me a hug and walks off with Josh in front of her.

"I should've never get in the way between you and Drew if you meant so much to him" Tanner says.

"I didn't even know he had feelings for me until that night...." oh yeah I suddenly forgot that he didn't know about that night. The night we fought and the night I went to Drew's house and that we almost kissed but we didn't.

"That night, we fought, I went to Drew's house because he needed me" I say.

"......"

"he tried to kiss me"

Tanner furrows his eyebrows.

"......but we didn't. I didn't."

Relief flushes Tanner's face.

"Anyways, I just want to stay in and do nothing. I can't believe I caused all of this...I'll just sleep for now or maybe watch some movies. Join me?"

"No, I can't. I....listen Al, I have to fly back to San Diego like right now. It's about my soon to be car so I'll see you in a few weeks maybe?"

"Can't you just fly back after two more days?"

"I'm sorry Al, I really am but I need to get back."

"But Tanne-"

"Please don't do this to me Alaska." his voice sounding a little annoyed.

I stay silent. My eyes darting everywhere, I'm trying to stop my tears from coming down.

He kisses my cheek and off he goes, with all his things.

And as for me, I retrieve into my bedroom. I don't really want to think about anything or care about anything at this moment.

********

It's been two days and I literally did not leave my room unless for food or going to the bathroom. I didn't check my phone for the past two days either. All I've been doing these two days was staring at the ceiling and sleeping.

I realised my phone died when I try to turn in on so I try to turn in back on and use it while I'm charging it. 

My phone is going crazy, thousands of messages and calls flood in. 

20 missed calls from Jake Angeles.

10 missed calls from Lindsay. 

and thousands of messages from basically everyone I've met when I was in San Diego with Tanner.

I try to block out the worst scenario that could happen inside my head and I read one of the messages, it says,

Alaska, there was an accident. Tanner was in an accident. Please come asap.

this is going to be the third/second last chapter of this book. I'm going to start college soon so let me just say thank you for waiting and thank you for 24k reads!  chapter 30 will be out soon.