TRYING NOT TO LOVE YOU

~Fourth Part~

"Why are you so strict with me? Why don't you love me? It's not my fault that my real parents left me as a garbage on the street," I say through the tears. "It's not that I don't love you, I just never couldn't accept that Maria brought you at home just like that. I always wanted to have only one child. And Gloria was always my princess," he tries to explain. "Okay, you don't need to talk anymore. I understand. Can I go now?" I say and he nodded. He couldn't looked me in the eyes. I turned myself and opened the door. My mum was standing there and she was crying. Next to her was Gloria and she was crying too. "Sara..." mum starts. "Not now," I say and leave the house. I ran down the street to Marc's house. Because guys were no longer outside, I bell the door. Roser comes to open it. "Sara, what is wrong? Why are you crying?" She said and embraced me. "Am I intruding?" I asked. "We just have dinner, come in."
"No, eat in peace. I'll wait outside."
"Oh, come on. Join us. You won't wait outside," aunt insists.
I entered, take off my shoes and walk with aunt in dining room. "Bon apetit," I said and sat down at the table to my place where I always sat. Alex and uncle were eating, and Marc was nowhere. "Where's Marc?" I asked. "In the room," uncle said. "He's going out with that woman," Alex rolls with his eyes. "Oh," I say quietly and turn my attention to the table. I started to draw invisible circles on the table with my finger and my minds were completely elsewhere.
"Sara, what's wrong?" I hear my aunt but I didn't respond. "Sara," she said once again. I finally looked at her with tears in my eyes. I didn't cry about Jonas and because of what he told me. I feel bad because Marc is going out with... her. I was convinced that I would never be interested to him as a woman if I told him that we're unrelated.
"Okay, I'm leaving," Marc said when he came to dining room, well dressed and scented with perfume. "Phuuuu, you poured the whole perfume on you or what??" Alex starts coughing. "You're exaggerating a bit, Marc," Roser agrees with Alex and Julia nods. Marc laughs. "Oh, Sara, I didn't know that you're here," he said with a smile. "I'm already leaving," I said and stand up. "I only thought if you have a minute or two for a quick talk," I add. He looked at the watch: "I'm in hurry. I have to be at Ruby's house in five minutes." I nod: "Okay, tomorrow then."
"We can meet later if you don't go to bed before?"
"No, no. Just enjoy yourself. Don't worry about me," I said and looked away. "Okay, as you wish," he said and kiss all of us to goodbye and leave. "Don't wait for me!" he shouts and slammed the door. "I need to go to the toilet," I say. I locked myself to the bathroom, I sit on the edge of the bathtub and begin to cry. I cried because of him and because of what Jonas told me today. This can't be true! I cried and cried, and I didn't know how long it was when someone knocked on the door. "Sara, are you okay? Do you need something?" It was Roser. "Yeah, I'm fine," I tried to say with a normal voice. I wiped my tears and nose, wash my face and hoped that aunt won't notice bloodshot eyes. I looked myself in the mirror for the last time, then unlocked the door and stepped out to the hallway. Aunt was standing at the door and when she saw me all weak and helpless, she knew that something must be really wrong. "Sara, honey. Tell me what is wrong," she said quietly. I couldn't help to myself so I start crying again. I collapsed to the floor and aunt knelt down to me and hugged me strongly. She said nothing, she only caresses my back. "I can't do this anymore, Roser. It's too hard," I cry. "Was there something wrong at home?" she asked and I shook with my head. I knew that aunt and uncle know that I'm adopted, but I didn't want to talk about this. "You have a fight with dad again?" I shake with my head. Yes, I know I lied but it really doesn't matter. She wasn't asking me, she's just holding me in embrace. "It's Marc's fault, right?" Alex suddenly said when he walks to us. Roser looked at him surprisingly: "Why Marc?"
"Alex..." I said. "Don't worry. I won't say anything. But I know it's his fault," he said and then left. I slowly got up and wiped away tears: "Thank you. You always can calm me down," I said and she hugs me again: "I'm always here for you, sweetheart," she smiled at me. "I'll leave now. Thanks again. For everything," I said and slowly walked downstairs. Roser walks after me and before I went through the door she asked: "It's really Marc's fault?" I just looked at her and left quietly.

I didn't know where to go. I didn't want to go home. My sister and mum were probably thinking that I am with aunt and uncle so they are not looking for me. I walked down the street and I don't even know what time it is. I came to that bench in the park and sat on it. I didn't have the strength to cry. My eyes were stinking me and my heart hurt me. I remembered everything what happened today.
First, I remembered the moment when I was saying goodbye to my best friend. I wish she can be here with me. Only her presence would make me feel better. Then I remembered the arrival at home and the meeting with my mum and sister at the airport. How nice it was to hug them after a year. Then there was a meeting with the favorite members of our family... aunt and uncle, who were many times like my father and mother... Alex, a cousin, who is not really my cousin, whom I respect and love as a brother... and Marc - the love of my life. His smile, his sparkling eyes, his movements, his body, his sense of humor... I wish he was here with me right now. He's with his girlfriend right now... What are they doing? I envy her every touch, look, hug, kiss.
And then in the end I remember my worst fight with Jonas. With a man who was my father for 22 years. Until today. How should I call him now? The man who saved my life from poverty and ruin? He didn't have to take me to his family if he was determined that he's going to have only one child. They should give me to another family, where I could make my dream come true and become a dancer. On the other side, I could live worse. At least all other family members love me, if my father didn't. I went to the another world with my minds. I stand up and walk to the swing where I begin to rock. The moon was obscured by the sky and the stars appeared.
"Here you are," familiar voice said.