Excerpts From My Brain

Lies, Truths & Hidden Feelings

-Admit it, you're in love with him- joked Sophie with a devilish grin showing in her lips, I put up my face and looked at her directly in the eyes, I thought about it for a minute. Was I really in love with him?

-No- I said in a breath -I hate him- Sophie rolled her eyes, she didn't believe a word I just said, I knew she wouldn't. When it comes to boys she always thinks I lie about my feelings, and she's almost always right. But this time she wasn't.

-Don't lie to me, Elena- replied pointing dangerously at me -I've seen the way you look at him, and that isn't hatred- I sighed exasperated, she will never believe me if I didn't explain myself.

-No, Sophie- I started -I hate him. I hate him because he takes my breath away every time I look at him. I hate him because he makes me feel weak and blush. I hate him because I feel the need of overthinking every word I want to say to him just because I don't want to being embarrassed of saying something stupid infront of him- I took a breath. -And the reason that makes me hate him the most is that I don't hate him, not a little bit, not at all-.

Sophie frowned at me without saying anything. I felt that she wouldn't have believed me, I was right. I couldn't believe me either.

-I know this is hard to believe, Soph. But when it comes to him, I am not myself. I act and feel like someone else, and it makes me hate myself- I cried -so that's why I am not in love with him, perhaps why I'll never be-.

Sophie looked at me in the eyes and nodded slowly like she finally understood how I feel about him, she cleaned the only tear that was rolling down my cheek carefully with a sweetly smile as I smiled back at her. Sophie told me she'll never touch the subject again and then whispered something else I couldn't hear, I knew she was hiding something from me. I saw it in her eyes. But I didn't ask, she will tell me when she is ready to do it. Not matter how long it takes.

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I felt like I was betraying Elena for keeping a secret from her, I didn't want to do it but, I didn't want to break my promise either. I called Matt after I left Elena's house and told him we had to meet. I noticed his nervous tone on his raspy voice when he asked if it was because of my ginger friend and I didn't answer. I hated being in a situation like this, with my best friend's heart in my right hand and Matt's in the left, I knew that at the end I would have to let one of them fall and I didn't want to drop neither of them.

Half an hour after we spoke, Matt and I met in the cafe's town, I was transpiring anxiety and had no clue of what to say. After everything, he was a good guy with a great heart, but Elena was my best friend and she never let me down. Not even once.

I looked at him and realized he was staring at me the whole time waiting for me to say a word, to make a noise or at least expressed an emotion through my face.

-I talked to her today- I started slowly, thinking every word trying really hard to not hurt him. Matt's face shined after I pronounced those words.

-And what did she said?- asked excited but a little scared too.

-She said- I couldn't do it. I didn't want to. -She said she didn't had feelings for you. It was Dan all this time, I'm sorry- I said fastly with the hope he didn't get anything I said, but his face told me the opposite.

-Dan?- said surprised and heartbroken at the same time -are you sure?- asked later with the last drop of hope in his eyes. I didn't want to kill it, but it was preferable that he thought Elena's feelings were for someone else and not that she hated him for making her feel, so I just nodded and apologized again.

He looked at me in the eyes, I think he was trying to find in my words lies or part of a joke, my eyes told him everything he needed to know but was afraid to realized. I saw how the hope in his eyes died, and heared his heart shattering. I wanted to cry. I wanted to fix his heart even if I didn't have a clue of how to do it. He nodded sadly and walked away.

I knew my lie hurt him, but I was sure that the truth would have killed him. And I believe this kind of scar will be easier to cure than the one that would have provoked him the truth.