Tyler's POV
I havent counted the days. They just pass and pass. I never get a moment to myself. I have to have someone with me every second of the day because I'm suicidal. It's either my mom, or my siblings or Josh. I can't sleep most nights but I have to stay in the dark so no one notices. Everyone always feels so sorry for me. Everyone is 'nice', or at least fakes it. They all hate me. But they all were 'crying' when they found out. I'm the depressed freak that hears voices and tried to kill themselves.
No one smiles at me, besides Josh. Fucking Josh. I can't move without him breathing down my neck. He says it's because he cares..... But he's just selfish. If only he didn't f- I can't say that. My therapist said so. He says that I'm depressed because I say things like that. I take 5 pills in the morning, 4 at night. Everything in my life is in someone else's control.
__________________
Josh looks at me "Tyler.... Do you still want to kill yourself?"
What the fuck do you think?
I force out a smile and say "No." He looks down at his lap. "I'm sorry for everything I've done. I don't deser-" I inturupt him, the smile wiped from my face.... Replaced by a emotionless expression. "I'm fine." He scoffs and says "Tyler, don't fuck with m-" I look down at my shoes, clenching my jaw "I said I'm fine." His eyes fill with worry. "You don't have to lie."
I look him in the eye and grab his wrist, my grasp so strong that it surprises me. "Yes I do! Of course I do! You want to know why, Josh?! Because.... Because I don't have a say in anything! I can't even say that something makes me upset! Because everyone thinks I'm going to kill myself! I'm not a child! I don't need supper vision everywhere I go! I'm not going to kill myself! I can't even think things. I can't breath, because everything is so fucking suffocating! I'M ALONE!"
He tries to inturupt me but I continue as I stand up and continuously pace around the room. "No! You will not inturupt me! This is the first time I can ACTUALLY say what I mean! I am alone. You aren't actually there for me. You just want to feel good about yourself for 'caring'..... I just want to take a breath! You are suffocating me! People-they don't understand." I sit down my face merges to sadness. "So yes.... I'm fine."
A tear streams down Josh's face. He wipes it away and stands up. He grabs my wrists and says "I'm so sorry... I never wanted to make you feel that. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I was wrong...... So very, very wrong. I will leave if you want, I just need you to know that I love you. I was selfish and thinking you were better-It made me feel better. But it didn't...... And I ignored it. I'm sorry, I'll leave. I just want you to be able to tell me everything and anything! Tyler.... We are kids! You shouldn't HAVE to feel this way! You should have to hold everything in! I love you. I really love you."
I look at him and say with a tear in my eye "That was really beautiful...." He starts to smile and give me a hug, but I put my finger out and sniffled. "But you don't love me..... You love the idea of loving me. You don't love me, Josh.... You are a child. You don't know what love is. So please, don't say things that aren't true." I then saw his heart shatter. You can see it in his eyes. Why did say that?!
I sigh and his face transforms from sadness to anger. He stands up and tries to leave. I grab his arm and he grabs mine, holding it in a painful position but the pain doesn't set in quite yet. He snaps. "I POURED my FUCKING HEART OUT TO YOU, TYLER! "You don't love me..." IT'S BULLSHIT! I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU! AND YOU TEAR ME APART! I'M SORRY THAT YOU HURT, I REALLY AM! BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SIT AROUND AND LET YOU TELL ME THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU! I'M DONE! CALL ME WHEN YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, ACTUALLY THIS A WASTE OF TIME! YOU WON'T, BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO THINK YOU ARE WRONG- SO DON'T BOTHER!" And with that he pushes me to the ground, leaving me in the dust as he throws his backpack on his back as he leaves.
My mom then walks in with a plate and a rag, she was doing dishes. A concerned face washes over her face. "Tyler, what's wrong?" No reason to lie now.
Sorry if this isn't great....... Me and Dylan are trying something different. So I'm writing this one. I'm sorry for all the drama and sadness. -Megan
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FanfictionWhen Josh convinces his parents to let him go to band camp for the summer, he pictures it to be the best summer of his life. Even though he lives with anxiety, he doesn't think that would be an issue. That is, until he meets Tyler, whose chocolate...
