My life story

What I Wish For in Life (1000 words)

(Hope you like that image)

In life, it's been so complicated that I can only wish what I want for my life to have. So I'm just gonna say the cliché saying "I only want the best for myself" but my meaning might be something that may be different than yours.

What I mean by that is I want to experience happiness independently, love without altering a life that I'd grow accustom to. I want to think of things as just the past instead of imagine the future without the people that I lost or with people i lost coming back in the future. I hate that I've gotten so desperate in wanting people with me in order to be happy. 

On the topic of being accepting of others returning to my life, I also want to be less dramatic when it does happen. I don't want to re-allow anyone in my life that has hurt me or traumatized me because at this point, I'm hurting myself to the point that it damages me in more ways than I can think of and it's not temporary either. 

One of the things that it'd damage is the way that I act. I am a very flexible minded girl and am very okay with changing or eliminating certain parts of my identity or personality in order to fit how a person would like me to be or just like me for in general. If that person were to leave my life, I'd feel like a part of me has just died out just because the person I changed for has just changed me for no reason. I like to think that they always intended on leaving but I always find myself in the wrong in that situation. I'd always get mad at myself since everything I did was my fault and I'm unarguably the only one to blame since I do that to myself. 

I'd say leaving people or seeing people leave me is one of those types of things that I personally have experience in multiple ways, for multiple reasons, and with multiple versions of myself leaving along with it. I'd say that I lost/lose more of myself because of a break up. But not just relationship break ups, friend break ups too. Apparently, I'm almost always the reason my relationships end unless they moved and couldn't keep in touch. I've been broken up with and have broken up with others but I mainly did that because my mindset always want them to be happy except in relationships; I can be really mean, possessive, controlling, bipolar, and just overall incapable of caring for since I personally can't take care of myself at all. I'd be broken up with one or more of those reasons and I believe that I don't deserve anything but the worst until someone else falls down with me and I eventually go through the same process as I did before. 

When I come to think about the things I do, all I do is pity my long lost acquaintances and exes, just for trying to be with someone like me. Except that's not the only people I pity, I constantly pity myself for having such a way of living to the point where I only disappoint myself for the things I do, which causes others to be disappointed too. I plan on being a better person except I only fall under an act that I can never succeed mastering. 

Today, I realize that my life has became a living hell. I don't know how I'm holding myself up but in some way, I am. I find that this way of releasing my life is helping me coupe through but as soon as I'm away from a screen, I just freeze up mentally, physically, and emotionally. At this point, I don't know how to determine what I'm going through but I know that one thing is for sure; I am beginning to become infatuated with other guys and the thought of it makes me satisfied but not in the way that I'd truly want to be. My life at this point if so full of trial and error that I don't know if my life style would ever become better. I'm currently rebuilding my way of life using that idea but I can't exactly put myself back together.

I'm stuck at a cross road with no where to lead myself to. I'm full of hatred and anger to the point where I can't show it. I can't even see the part of me that loves another person anymore because only a little over a week later, my heart is having complications with having my brain express the correct emotions. As I type this, I'm not only neutral but I'm anxious, thinking of my procrastination, thinking of my infatuation crushes, thinking of how it'd be like to actually date someone at my school again. Well, I haven't done that in a year so how would I know?

I imagine myself staying single until high school but if things happen, they happen. I know that for the rest of the school year, I'll be reconstructing myself until the day comes that I promote from middle school either single, crushing, or in a relationship. I don't know if I'll actually date  in a way that I'll actually be younger than the guy that I'm interested in but I just wanna love someone that would be in the same grade as me at least. I don't really like large age gaps especially at my age where it's pedophilia if I'm in a relationship where the age gap is as large as the one between my parents (7 years). I wish that I can stop wanting a relationship but I have been taken for so long that I already have the time to think of someone else in life. I know I won't wait super long but let's wait and see. (1000 words)