My life story

8th grade (October)

October 

(11th) Hey guys. Welcome back to my story. It's been a very rough week for most NorCal citizens. Since Sunday, there's been constant amounts of fire and smoke spreading everywhere to the point that thousands of homes and buildings are being burned down. There's been so much happening in North America that it seems like a constant cycle of bad luck; From the hurricanes in Florida, the earthquake in Mexico, the shooting at a concert in Las Vegas, to the semi-week long fire from Napa to Fairfield. I can't do anything but pray tho since there's not much that anyone can do. On a better note, I got in and out of a relationship with a few bad relationships that lasted a few days and now, I'm dating one of my all time crushes from elementary school. His name is Kyle. I can't believe that someone like him would date me especially since they went to the same school as me during my "fat/evolutionary" time of my life. I never thought anyone that I knew for that long would like me but here I am, dating one of the cutest and nicest guys I knew back from elementary school. It's a long distance relationship but he's only in Hayward and I've actually physically met him even if it was 3 years ago. I'm his pookie bear and he's my kai bear, everything is almost perfect, since we can't exactly hug each other due to the distance. I love him so much either way, he just made me smile like no one else does, he's honest to me as much as I am with him and he's just so perfect to me. It's gonna be kinda upsetting this weekend for us since we won't be allowed to FaceTime each other from Thursday afternoon until Sunday night. I'll be going to LA for my cousin's wedding but I'll still text him at night when I'm about to sleep and when I wake up or basically whenever I'm available. I'll update this part more on Monday and Tuesday at school so I can share everything that happened there. Speaking of school, I only went to school for one day all week, Tuesday which was for my science field trip. We were excused from school partly on Tuesday and fully for the rest of the week since there's been heavy amounts of smoke everywhere in Fairfield since the fire spread all the way to Suisun already and many students had to evacuate. The smoke spread so much that Kyle could smell the smoke all the way in Hayward, almost an hour away from Fairfield. I really hope the air gets better so that our classes wouldn't get too held back in the education and sporting events that are supposed to happen in the coming weeks. On another note, I really miss being with some of my friends since alot of them didn't go to school on Tuesday and others could be getting evacuated from their homes. But, I guess we'll have to see what happens next week. 

(20th) It's been a bit over a week and I'm not dating Kyle anymore. I felt like he didn't have time for me so I left him and I was asked out yesterday by Cash. For anyone that doesn't know, I dated a guy and Cash was his enemy. After I broke up with the guy, I started talking to Cash a lot more and we caught feelings for each other. I never really thought much of it at first since I was told before that Cash only wanted to get with me because he wanted to mess with my ex's head but he actually liked me. I was crying yesterday though since I basically napped for a few hours while waiting for him and when he actually responded, he only talked to me for an hour and I thought he'd ask me out while we were in a call. I expressed all my sadness and anger on my friends and just kept crying and texting him back minimally since he told me he'll ask me out today instead but I was too sad to care at that point. I really didn't want to be blaming him for things but I was just so devastated that after I told him I was fine, I sent him a picture of me crying. After that, he asked me out even though I thought it was more forced. I said yes and now I'm happier than I've been since Oct. 1 (aka beginning of spooky month) and I honestly love him more than I loved Kyle since I didn't really know much about him and vice versa. My sister and her friend were apparently talking about me and they asked me if there was any correlation between Kyle and Cash since I told my sister that Cash is the enemy of my enemy, making him my best friend and now boyfriend. I'm guessing that she never knew about the other guy but that doesn't really matter. I found out Neveah lost his V card and now has an asshole as wide as a basketball hoop and tbh, I want to be certain with the thought that his bf is cheating on him. I kinda wish it'd be the same thing as Blanca's ex and his bf; the guy is cheating on her ex. I really just hope the worse for any guy that I dated and  actually hate now that I don't talk to them. That includes basically each and every ex except Ryan and Jonah. It's pretty normal for most of them but Zach, Neveah,  Fernando, and Matthew (cash's enemy) deserve the worse. That's the end of that, at least I hope it will be.

(29th) Hey guys, I said I'll come back after Halloween but I just missed writing lol. I found myself thinking a lot recently about how my exes lives are like and also about suicide. The ex thing has been something that just makes me anxious enough to make me want to go back to them and try being their friend but that's never gonna happen unless a miracle were to occur in order for our lives to reconcile again. I've gotten used to being without them but it's always calming to wish that they're happy even if I 'm not. The suicide thing is basically the result of me thinking of them. I begin thinking of what will happen if they texted me the second after I start thinking of them but that just starts breaking my heart. I know it shouldn't matter since they're purposely out of my life but the idea just makes me hurt so much that I feel that committing suicide would keep me from letting that type of incident happen and it'd get them to care about me. I sometimes think that I'll be too hurt if they actually came back into my life before expected. I kinda think too dramatically about what will happen if I were to meet them again but I'd be so fucking hurt on the inside that I wouldn't be able to comprehend my actual emotions since I don't cry in front of people. I sometimes think that If I were to just not every talk to them, they'd be happy and forget about me but if I think even more about that, I just end up being the only one that's thinking of them and they wouldn't even know who I am.  I guess it kills me to think that I'm the only the one that cares about them while they don't care about me and it just hurts me to imagine it like that. I wanna the dramatic thoughts of how it'd be like to meet them again comes from my parents and grandma's addiction to the filipino soap operas and it apparently gets spread to me to the point that my life is imagined as something that's more extra than how it really is. And now for some happy things. I talked to a friend of mine about Arneil and how I used to, kinda still like him and my friend said that we would've been cute together. That kinda just struck my heart cuz it reminded me of the connection I had with Arneil over summer from 2016. I remembered how much we cared about each other and how I liked him so much. It also got me remembering the hug that I gave him when I saw him for the first time since summer. Eventually I had that thought kicked out of my head but I then remembered that I could maybe be with him more in high school since he'll go thru a program that would let him go to the same school that I'll go to.  Well that's the end of that. I'll begin a new chapter for November since this one has became so long.  See you soon, I'll catch you up AFTER halloween so Happy Spooks Witches!!!

(30th) lol I need to stop updating when I say that I'll update later on in the week. Anyways, CASH CHEATED ON ME so I did what a smart bitch did and broke up with him. I don't care what he was in my life, he was a week long mistake like the last 3 or 4 (sorry I'm a hoe). But yea, now I can actually answer the question "do I still like arneil" and "should I wait til high school or try getting him now" cuz at this point, he's one of the only guys that's patient, kind, funny, and actually respectful to me. I don't mind having all these mistakes constantly happening but at least I don't make the same one each time. But I think now is when I should learn "not to love strangers virtually" along with "find a guy that respects and prioritizes you" since I've had trouble with that factor alot in the relationship with Cash but I've basically been a virtual hoe since the Neveah break up. That'd be 8 guys in 2 months and I can't even find myself to be respectable at this point. From now on, I will learn to love within the boundaries of my school, maybe district if people move to different schools but mainly only mine. I want to respect myself virtually and in reality just cuz I feel like a dirty hoe. I've been told by certain guys that my need for love or whorish actions are just cuz I love love but at this point, I am actually becoming a hoe. So from now on, only people I know from my school. That's my change for myself, maybe even my new years resolution if I feel like going further on that. I'll come back maybe in the next few days, maybe even on halloween or on saturday since I have a special story from Friday to share. Until then, Happy Spooks and this is Kheska signing off