NEPTUNE | ETHAN DOLAN

thirty-nine

i had a sleepless night. i pretended to sleep, just kept my eyes closed and hope my mind would relax. it just wouldn't. i'd tried to roll over to look at ethan on the window but i was too endorsed into the darkness of my mind to turn my neck.

the sun was beginning to rise and the darkness soon turned to a bitter yellow. ethan, still sat outside the window, was staring into the midst of the scenery and i made myself get up and sit next to him.

"good morning..." i managed to mumble.

"morning baby," as ethan kissed the bridge of my nose.

"couldn't sleep?" i ask.

"not really..."

"me neither," i reply.

"you looked so tired and sleepy, i swear you were asleep."

"my mind couldn't rest, it was too busy and couldn't stop."

i leave for a moment to go make coffees for the both of us and perch back on the window.

"what kept you up tonight?" i sip my coffee.

"i've never been the one for sleep. sometimes i go for days without sleep, you never notice because i act wide awake all the time," he looks to his feet and then the sky.

"we've never spoke about this before ethan, what's wrong? are you afraid of sleep or do you just never become tired?"

"i'm always tired. the complete opposite. i can never catch a break. my mind runs a thousand miles per hour and i'm walking at 5. i never catch up with myself and that's what's tiring," he manages to speak.

"the reason i can't sleep is because i'm afraid of losing out on the world. losing out on what's happening at this very moment. there's nothing that can stop it. i've tried everything, medication, meditation, exercise, nothing manages to help me. but there is one way. accepting the way things are. accept that you need to catch up. accept that it's going to take time. accept that you're afraid of falling behind. that's when you can then work on building from there."

"larissa, i thought you were the one to over sleep not never sleep."

"guess we both are learning new things about each other then aren't we."

"what's there to do here then? let's go on an adventure today."

i look at him smiling. he doesn't look happy. but neither do i, we're finally together yet we don't seem to be alive.

i'm sorry i couldn't be better
i'm sorry i couldn't keep up with my mind
i'm sorry i didn't help you faster it was just i was trying to find myself within myself.

i'm sorry.

ill remember you always.