Not What it Seems

Chapter Eighteen

~Jane~

Later that day, when Cash pulled his car up in front of my house, I stared inside through my bedroom window.

"I don't want to go in there," I confessed and he sighed, lacing his fingers through mine.

"Want me to come in?" I squeezed my eyes shut a moment.

"What if my parents are home?" I said, and he shrugged. His willingness to be there for me was overwhelming, and I wondered, briefly, why Cash was so reluctant to show this side of himself while he was in school. Why was his reputation so important to him?

"Are you sure you want to risk that? It'd be an awkward encounter," I warned and he laughed, climbing out of the car. I followed him up the walkway and unlocked the door, shoving it open.

All the lights were off, and the only noise was our footsteps, so I assumed we were alone. I took Cash's hand and tugged him up to my room. He smiled when I flicked on the dim lights, glancing around.

He sank down onto my bed, sitting straight and puffing out his cheeks.

"The first time you brought me in here, I wanted to kiss you," he said, slowly, "I planned to kiss you. But then Alex ruined it."

I smiled, leaning against the wall. "He's not so bad," I said, and he looked down.

"I know. Alex and I... it's so complicated, Jane, there's so much animosity between us, so many lines have been crossed."

"That's what life is about," I murmured, and he frowned. I crossed the room to him, gently sinking down onto his lap, straddling his legs.

"What?" he whispered, gripping my waist with kind fingers.

"Life is all about crossing lines, Cash," I said, and then crushed my lips to his. He kissed me slowly, deeply, until my mind was foggy and my head was spinning blindly.

We fell back onto the bed and he rolled me beneath him. I had never been so physically close to someone, and I felt like I had been missing out. This feeling, of skin on skin, and lips on skin and lips on lips. It was electric. It was like being set on fire - a slow flame that spread eagerly through my veins, and suddenly our clothes were vanishing, magic.

~Cash~

God, her skin was soft.

I pressed my lips to her belly, and bit gently, laughing when her fingers tightened in my hair. Her gentle hands ran down the length of my spine, dipping into the back of my jeans, and I gulped. Doing this with Jane was so different from doing it with the other girls. With Jane it mattered, for sure, but it wasn't just that.

It was the coiling need in my abdomen, the sparks lighting wherever I touched her, the extreme desire to be close to her. I kissed along her neck and she arched up into me, our bodies colliding for a moment.

"Cash," she sighed, as I gently sucked on her collarbone, "I think I lo-"

I cut her off, knowing what she was going to say. I crushed my mouth to hers and she smiled into the kiss. I wanted to say it first, and I knew it was stupid, and possessive, but I had to do it anyway.

"Jane," I murmured, kissing her ear.

"Hmm?"

"Jane, I love you," I whispered, right into her ear, reveling in the way goosebumps erupted over her skin.

"I love you, too, Cash," she confessed after a moment, and I sealed our mouths together, sealed the moment shut. This outcome had been inevitable from the start because when fate throws two people together, it's not without reason, and it's certainly not something you can ignore.

Not anymore.

~Jane~

We lay in my bed later, our legs tangled together and my head on Cash's chest.

"Sweetheart," he murmured, stroking my hair. "I should go, before your parents get home." I tightened my arms around him.

"Who cares about them? Mom has certainly had enough sex to not be mad -"

He laughed. "We didn't even have sex!" he cried and I kissed his chest once. "And in any case, I'd rather your parents not hate me before they meet me."

"No one could hate you, Cash," I said and he shrugged, looking up at the ceiling thoughtfully.

"Lots of people hate me. Lots of people will always hate me. It's just something we deal with." I kissed his cheek before sitting up.

"I don't hate you, if it's any consolation," I said, leaning back. He laughed, sitting up and getting off my bed.

"It is," he said, kissing me gently before scrounging around for his shirt. He slipped it over his head and headed to my door. "You gonna be alright without me?"

I stared at him before shrugging. "Yes, but what could you have done, even if I said no?"

"I would have stayed," he confessed, gripping the door knob, back turned to me.

"Really?" I asked, and he pressed his forehead against the door. I get up, slowly walking to him.

"Yes. God, yes. I know at school I come across as an arrogant jackass, but I'm not always -"

I set my palm against his shoulder blade. "What's the purpose of pretending to be someone you're not?" I asked, and felt his skin prickle at my expectant tone.

"It's more than that. It's not just a question of faking it till you make it, Jane it's about who you want to be and -"

"Who you want to be should be the person you are, Cash, don't you see that?" He stiffened.

"Jane, I love you, but I don't want a life lesson," he said sternly, and I let my hand drop to my side. I crossed my arms across my chest in defense.

"Okay," I said simply, and he cracked the door open, slipping through silently. He paused when he was in the hall.

"I'm not ashamed of us."

"I never said you were," I said, and he shook his head.

"You were thinking it," he muttered, and it shocked me to the core that he could read me so easily given the short amount of time we'd had together.

"You don't know that," I murmured.

"Yeah," he said, confident. "I do. But I'm not ashamed, alright? I'm trying to protect you."

It occurred to me, briefly, that all boyfriends did this - pulled the I'm protecting you card - when they wanted to justify unjustifiable behavior, but I let it go, watching Cash slink out of my house silently.

~Cash~

When I got home, I could see a faint light in the apartment, which meant Mom was home. I wasn't quite ready to face her, because if anyone could read me, it was my mother.

I pulled away from the curb once again, driving slowly down the block until I realized where I was headed - Alex's house. I knew, subconsciously, that I needed to fix things with him, I needed to swim that vast ocean between us, and put everything behind me.

I pulled up to his house, and while it wasn't as beat up as Jane's house, it was by no means a mansion. I didn't know what I was doing as I walked up the driveway and rapped my knuckles on the door. This felt so familiar, these motions, and when Alex opened the door, a flood of emotions swept through my body. Memories of us growing up, learning and making mistakes together, floated through my mind and I stared blankly at him for a moment.

"Hi," he said, leaning against the doorframe, the same way he had been doing all his life, since we were eight and he was allowed to open the door on his own.

I swallowed hard. "Hey." He shook his head, looking up at the dark night sky before glancing back at me, grinning.

And I think that was enough. We knew this was progress, having a civil conversation was a gift in a friendship like ours, so as Alex invited me in and tossed me a beer, I reveled in the feeling of having a real friend once again.