Not What it Seems

Chapter Twenty Three

~Jane~

Alex insisted on taking me out the next Friday night, and frankly, he didn't give me a chance to reject him.

It had been almost two weeks, and I hadn't heard from Cash. I still saw him around school, of course, with a girl hanging on his arm every now and again, and I generally ignored it best that I could. But it wasn't easy, naturally, considering that my mind drifted to Cash no matter what I did. Every action, every conversation, drew me back to Cash, pulled memories of the two of us up to the surface so quickly I felt I was suffocating.

I had also heard nothing from my father. My Mother was back to her old ways, for old habits die hard, and I wondered why Dad had not done anything to stop Mom's sleeping around if he had felt so strongly about it. I hardly saw my mother, not after her blow up upon seeing Cash and I in my room, but I wasn't complaining. It was tiresome having to deal with her panic attacks, and if having mindless sex kept them at bay, then who was I to complain?

It was difficult for me to consider that sneaking around to be with Cash had been having a negative impact on me. The stress of constantly worrying that we would be caught had started to weigh on my shoulders just a few days before Cash chose his reputation over me.

Alex told me not to think of it like that, he said it was implanting negative thoughts into my mind, and that wouldn't help me to move on. Through all of this, Alex had been my rock - to pull a cliche. He held my hand when we were out and about, he forced me to watch action movies instead of depressing chick flicks, and we shared tubs of ice cream, gaining sorrow-pounds together.

I know you're thinking that Alex liked me, but he didn't. He had his eye on another girl, one who I couldn't quite name yet, considering that he was being very secretive about it, but I knew for a fact that a. she was real, and b. she wasn't me.

"Where are we going?" I asked as I climbed into the passenger seat of Alex's car. He'd told me to dress casually, so the list of places he was taking me had been significantly reduced.

"Don't speculate," he murmured. "It ruins the surprise." I rolled my eyes, leaning my head back against the the seat. "How are you feeling?" he asked, and it was this - his adamant concern for me, and the desire for my health - that convinced me to keep Alex as a friend for as long as I could. He had proven to be someone who cared about me regardless of his reputation, and until Cash showed me he had changed, I couldn't take him back.

"Better," I lied. "I only thought about Cash five times today." Another lie.

Alex laughed heartily at this. "I'm not dense, Jane. You can't pull the sheet over my eyes."

"Wool," I murmured, but he continued on, oblivious.

"You're going to think about Cash a ton, believe me. But when I ask if you feel better, I'm asking whether or not you still feel like you need Cash."

I looked out the window for a brief, thoughtful moment. "No. I know I don't need a guy to survive. And I know that no matter what, I can live my life without him. But it just hurts, you know? It hurts that -"

"I know. But sometimes talking about it only rehashes what you need to stop thinking about." He grinned at me as we pulled into the parking lot. "I hope you like bowling!"

~Cash~

Chris had been on my case all week, and today, he'd dragged me to Bowl More with half of the soccer team. "Team building," he'd claimed. "For next year." But I knew that wasn't why. Chris wanted me to move on, same as I'm sure Alex wanted Jane to move on.

There were six girls and ten guys, and as we entered the bowling alley, it was impossible for me not to see her. I thought about Jane constantly, and I feared she would permanently infiltrate my mind.

She was there with Alex, and immediately my blood started to boil. I don't know whether or not Chris had hinted at Clarissa that I might like her, but she had been clinging to me all week, no matter what I did to show her I wasn't interested.

"Wanna be on my team for bowling, Cash?" she purred, rubbing her chest against my arm. I refrained from gagging and gave her a thin smile.

"Sure." Chris tossed me a pair of bowling shoes, and when I spun around to walk to our lane, I caught Jane looking at me. She looked away as soon as I made eye contact, but my stomach clenched with the need to be beside her, the need to be with her. I watched as she and Alex waited for their game to load, their fingers laced together as she laughed at something he said. I squeezed my eyes shut, unhappier than I had ever been.

I needed Jane in my life, I needed her to keep my sane, to tell me when I was being a jerk, to help me become something better. But I knew that wasn't the way to go about this. I needed to become something better on my own before I was worthy of Jane. She deserved so much more than me, yet and I was finally realizing that there was so much more to life than what other people thought about you.

I had lied to Jane when I'd said her thoughts were the only ones I cared about, but I wanted so desperately for that to be true. So I promised myself, and I promised Jane, right there in that bowling alley, that I would change for her. I would change for the both of us.