The End Can't Come Soon Enough

Chapter Eight, this new, yet numbing feeling

Cas pov

Everything hurts so much. My mouth is dry, and my my cheeks feel puffy. I look to my right, the alarm clock flashing a blurry 5:59. Oh lord, what time is it really? I glance at the phone, it blinding me and giving me an instant head ache. It read 5:13.

I tried lifting myself out of bed, but my body feels so heavy. This is so hard, why am I being so pathetic? Breathing feels funny. My chest feels so heavy. Please help me lord to make it through this day, I can barely get out of bed.

After about five minutes of just staring into the darkness of the room, I get up to hesitantly flip the lights on. I immediately regret it. With a groan and pain shooting up my arm, i quickly cover my eyes with my palms. Can this day get worse- actually don't answer that, it's just asking for things to get five times worse.

I can feel the black eye under my palms. After giving up, I turned off my bright overhead light and turned on my dim lamp.

A sigh escaped my lips as I trudged to the restroom. I undressed, carefully, and threw the clothes into the basket.

I started the shower and climbed in, the water being scalding hot, but I didn't really care.

§§§§

I saw one of Anna's razors and an idea popped into my head. I quickly climbed out, grabbed a new one from one of the drawers and climbed back in. There's stupid guards on them, so I broke them off, leaving a sharp blade to my disposal.

Everything is tense and I can feel everything. I can feel the water hitting my back and cascading down my shoulder blades and sides. The water was what I was first focusing on, but then I remembered the blade with the purple handle. It's kind of weird paying attention to some of the small things.

Everything is silent in my head. I can no longer hear the thoughts from last night. My mind is no longer screaming for help... for gentle love.

Love is something that I have yet to experience again. Last night I experience pity from Gabe, but there really wasn't love.. I don't think so anyways. Love has been gone for so long that I don't even know what it feels like. All I remember is that it could be blissful; that it could be wonderful.

§§§§

I decided to wash my hair and body first; to get all the gunk out of everything. Goodness, it stung while washing my hair. I could feel the broken skin and see some of the old blood wash down the drain. I wonder what fresh blood looks like going down the drain.

I grabbed the blade, fumbling with it before pressing it against my bare fat forearm. I swiped it quickly in fear is the unknown of self inflicted injury. Pain is different when you do it to yourself. It doesn't stung as much and you're in control of how much you slice, burn, or carve into your skin.

§§§§

It's intoxicating seeing multiple wounds bleed. It's a completely new sensation seeing that you successfully made yourself feel pain, when you see your blood run down your arm and drip down the drain.. all because you swiped a small piece of metal against it.

This new feeling is intoxicating. Is it really a new feeling? Flashes of memory of my past childhood, small punishments I give to myself when I feel it's necessary. But this, a blade in my hand, blood trickling down my arm.. it's a new feeling. It stings; just another sweet addition.

§§§§

After a few more swipes of the blade, I get out and dry off. Everything just feels empty now. Everything feels too numb. Sadly it's only the beginning of the day, and I still have hell to go through.

§§§§

Long sleeves, bruised ribs, and banging headaches. That's what I have in store for me today. This is really going to be hellish for me today.

Lord please help me now. I'm sorry for letting down my family and others around me. It's not like I meant to. I never meant to be the reason she's gone.. I miss her God, I really do. But I bet she's happy up there talking to you about sweet nothings.

I really miss her. I miss Mom so much.

§§§§

It's barely grazing 5:30, I can't stay here with my thoughts. So I leave with soft music, heavy footsteps, and my backpack sling over my shoulder.. to hell I go.