The Beauty Of You // Lams Soulmate AU

The beauty of depression

So this chapter is just kind of a journal entry (or diary if you will) about Johns past. I just thought that I needed to write a chapter like this and that John was the one who needed it the most.

Get a hold of yourself John.

It's all fake.

It's all fake.

It's all just one big fucking lie.

So why does it seem like the truth?

Why does it seem so real?!

Is it real?

Or am I just imagining it....

I ignored the concern in my mothers voice as I trailed to my room. Normally, I would've sat down at the table, maybe even grab a bite to eat. I would've complained about every annoying person that seemed to magically appear into my life. Or I'd simply just say hello, or wave if there was something important on my mind. I think we both knew this time...this time it was different.

I didn't even look her direction before I was off into my room. I threw my back pack onto the ground with a thud. A thud that seemed like satan, all the way down in hell could hear it. I didn't bother to check any of my surroundings before my hands were shuffling around in my desk drawers. I pulled out an average sized black cover notebook from somewhere deep inside. I grabbed the pencil that I always left on my desk and I went int my closet.

There was no one who would even come into my room. Even if my mom happened to ask me what was wrong, she wouldn't care if I was writing. It was for other reasons that I felt like I needed to escape life the only way I knew how. And that was living in the shadows of my closet.

As a child, I never dared to go anywhere near my closet. I was always told by the other kids at school that there were monsters in there. Monsters that would gladly eat every organ in my body if they had the chance. So I kept the door shut every night, careful to make sure the monsters came no where near me.

My whole life I was told more and more about those monsters. It seemed I never matured, but the monsters did. The monsters turned into even more frightening things. Anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, bullying, and death alone. I didn't know how to get rid of the monsters. I had always been told by the children that there was no way to ever stop the monsters.

My brother told me that as long as I kept my childhood stuffed animal, I would be safe. The stuffed animal was a simple child's toy. A small fuzzy dog, with flappy ears, bumpy legs, and a stubby tail. Some might've said he had flaws, but he was perfect in every way to me. I loved that dog, and I still do.

The dog is in my arms. Maybe he's protecting me from the monsters, making sure they don't grab me from the darkness and pull me into an even darker place. The dog was all I had left of my brother. My brother told me to stay away from the monsters, to make sure the monsters never got a hold of me. I should never let them take me.

My brother didn't even listen to his own advice.

The monsters had taken my brother. I was only the age of 8. I barely understood the concept of death yet. Much less the idea that one could bring death to themselves. I can't even comprehend how hard it must've been for my parents to tell me. How hard it must've been for my parents to explain the body, the blood....

the rope.

During the stages of recovery, I felt like I had no one to protect me from the monsters. I still had my dog, but he was useless without the light of my brother. If I couldn't use him to scare away the monsters, then I would have to create my own monsters.

And that's what I did.

I fought fire with fire. I fought until I was known as the monster in the school. I fought until I knew that I was the superior. I knew that the monsters couldn't take me anymore, they couldn't hurt me anymore because I was one of them. I gave my monsters to others. I made them feel pain and suffering. I made the feel like they were worthless. I made them feel dead.

And it actually worked for a while, I felt at peace with myself. I knew I couldn't let my guard down, but it seemed like there was nothing to fight against anymore. I had transformed into the enemy, and I didn't realise how terrible that was at the time.

In his suicide note, my brother wrote that one day, I would be able to see color. He said that color would brighten my world, and everything wouldn't feel so scary anymore. That when that time came, I could feel at peace with myself. I would have defeated the monsters, and all alone, and that he would be smiling down at me. Proud to call me his brother.

He put it so differently then anyone else did. Everyone else focused on the person, while my brother focused on the colors. There are two types of people in the world and my brother and I were against what seemed like the whole world. He never did find his colors, maybe that's why the monsters got to him so easily.

I searched far in wide for that person. That one person who could make all of my work worth while. But I couldn't find them. No matter how hard I searched I just couldn't find them. I didn't make connections with people often. I didn't want connections with people. I just wanted to see those people in color, and live the rest of my life being able to watch the world pass by.

And I knew that if I couldn't find that one person to bring me the happiness I desired, then I may as well find second best. And that's where Lafayette, Aaron, and Hercules came in. We were all popular in our own ways. Lafayette was the prep, Hercules the jock, and Aaron the student body president. Every one knew our names, just not our names together.

So I brought the names together. I tried to make happiness out of the boys friendship. And it worked, they brought me the happiness and small amounts of freedom I had been longing for. But I still wanted more. I could never be satisfied with what I already had.

Then he came.

Handsome, boy did he know it. Peach fuzz, and he can't even grow it. I knew there was something a little odd about Alexander by the start. Something I couldn't even understand or begin to comprehend. There was no color when I looked deep into his eyes. He was just like everyone else. So why did he seem so so different?

I have never been attracted to guys before. I've barely even thought about it before. I would and continue to pray to myself every damn night, hoping that this was all just a phase. But every day it feels less and less like a phase and more of a reality. I still don't know what I am, but maybe soon I'll find out.

I closed my note book. My hand ached from all the writing that was scribbled onto the paper. My hand was completely black from dragging my palm over the words that had been written in dark pen. I grabbed my dog from my stomach and emerged from the darkness, into the light. My first instinct was to run to the bathroom.

My eyes squinted, not used to the bright light of my bathroom. As my eyes adjusted, I stared at myself in the mirror. I stared at my hair, clothes, skin, freckles, basically everything about me. There should've been so many things that came to my mind at that moment. So many observations, so many ideas, but all I could think of was one single thing.

"Alexander was right.....my eyes are green."