DEADROSES | PHAN

-ˏˋ twenty seven ˎˊ-

☾ ☽

dan's fingers were flying, traveling over the keys as easy as if it was breathing. the music filled the air like a thick fog, blurring dan's senses. he swore he was home.

and then he woke up.

he sat up, tears stinging his eyes. he didn't know why it was haunting him so much, that piano wasn't even that great theoretically, but it had meant a lot to him. no artificial or brand new piano would feel like that. it was filled with memories.

he sighed, tugging at his slightly sweaty curly hair.

"dan?"

he looked up. phil's outline was standing in the doorway, watching him.

"hi," he muttered back sleepily.

"you alright?" phil took another step in, and dan could see how worried he looked. "i heard something..."

"yeah, i'm okay." he stretched his arms over his head, yawning. "just a bad dream."

phil nodded, straightening his glasses. they stood in comfortable silence for a moment.

"well, i can't sleep," phil said finally. he raised his eyebrows, smiling gently. "hot chocolate and movies?"

➸

dan looked up at him, his coffee eyes traveling over the other boy's face while his eyes were trained on the movie. he looked over his sharp features, the shadows beneath his eyes and cheekbones, and his glasses.

he was absolutely beautiful. dan didn't think he had ever met a prettier person.

phil glanced down at him, and dan quickly looked away.

what are you doing?

what's the matter with you?

why would you think someone like phil could ever like someone like you?

"dan...?"

dan looked back up, meeting phil's eyes. he was still looking at him. phil's hand moved to run his fingers through his hair, and dan shivered.

he was so perfect...

"what's on your mind?"

and there it was again, that music, and it didn't even come with a piano. filling his mind and his heart, and he wondered if phil could hear it.

and there was also the burning. the flame that was destroying his stomach, lapping up to his heart. the doubt and the pain and the true unadulterated want.

his heart was pounding.

"nothing."

"there's something..." he smiled, and dan shattered. "you're thinking really loudly."

so maybe he could hear it.

or maybe that was a joke, dumbass.

dan shook his head.

"it's nothing," he whispered, turning back to the tv. he needed to get ahold of himself.

phil shrugged, shifting a bit. "alright," he mumbled, turning his attention back to the tv. and dan assumed it was over.

but about ten minutes later, phil was touching him again.

light touches, brushes up and down his arms, tapping his fingers on dan's thigh.

and dan was melting.

he turned to look at him, intending to ask what he was doing, but phil was looking him in such a... way... that he couldn't make himself speak. they were swallowed by the movie noises, soft talking and tinkly laughter, and the otherwise complete silence. phil's face was illuminated by the screen, and dan shivered.

phil pulled him closer, so dan was nearly in his lap, and tugged at a strand of his hair.

"hi," he whispered. dan's sleep fuzzy mind clung to the word.

"hello..."

"are you thinking about the piano?"

dan chewed on his lip, anxious.

"no," he admitted. phil raised his eyebrows gently. he reached up, drawing his thumb over dan's bottom lip, and it was the most intimate thing dan had ever experienced.

"then what is it?"

they were sharing a breath, and dan's nose nudged his, and holy shit. if phil kissed him right now he would die. all this was just a slow burn to an inevitable conclusion, and dan couldn't stand it.

"i should probably get some sleep," he breathed, and the moment was broken.

"alright." phil brought his hand away from his face, and dan missed it's warmth. "you're right. i should too."

dan licked his lips, slipping away and off the couch. for some reason his eyes stung. this was what he wanted, wasn't it? he wanted to be kissed, he wanted to experience everything normal people did.

and he was starting to realize he really wanted phil as well.

but he got scared.

he was a coward.

he collapsed back in his bed, tangling the sheets around himself.

stupid stupid stupid.

he had to accept it eventually. he would never be normal.