DEADROSES | PHAN

-ˏˋ thirty eight ˎˊ-

☾ ☽

dan was absolutely shattered.

phil had practically forced him to stay with eliza, even though he had insisted he would rather just go home. his real home.

and no matter how much eliza tried to distract him, he couldn't get his mind off of it. and he had hardly stopped crying. he couldn't. it hurt so bad, it was like nothing he could have prepared for.

it was raining. dan watched as the crystal drops splattered against the glass of eliza's huge windows. he felt like he could see the whole city from her window, but it didn't help. he felt like he would never be happy again. at least she had a windowsill, though, so he could daydream about better times.

he had thought nothing could beat being stuck in that house, but then phil had gone and done it. maybe that was the idea in the first place.

and, god, that thought hurt.

dan's eyes were glazed over as he stared out the window. he felt numb today. it was almost worse than crying and pulling his hair out. he reached out, his fingertips grazing over the glass. he tapped it gently, watching a tiny dying rose emerge. he could see the roots spread on the inside of the glass, the surface transparent. it would have been beautiful if dan didn't find it so fucking ugly.

"dan..."

eliza's voice came from the other side of the room. dan didn't turn. he just sighed softly, resting his head back against the wood.

"someone's here to see you..." dan finally looked at her. she bit her lip, giving off the very definition of anxiety. "he has your stuff," she said quietly. "i can just tell him to go away, if you want..."

dan sighed, clenching his jaw. he shook his head, turning away again.

he could feel her presence standing there for another moment, then heard her walk away. then there was another presence. one that made dan's heart swell and race like it needed it to survive. he tried to hold back the tears, already on the edge.

"dan."

he hated hearing his name on phil's tongue, it put a bitter taste in his mouth.

he didn't answer. footsteps. the rain. everything was blank in his mind.

"dan," he repeated, sounding almost desperate. dan finally looked at him, his eyes sharp. phil's eyes were red and sad, masked behind his glasses, his fringe messy and falling in his face.

"why did you come." it was more of a sentence than a question, his voice soft and raspy from lack of using it.

"i brought your stuff," phil said timidly, holding a bag up. "the rest is by the door..."

dan shook his head, meeting phil's eyes no matter how much it hurt.

"that isn't why."

phil was silent for a moment. then he sighed. he moved to sit next to him on the windowsill, and dan looked away again.

"i miss you," he said finally, nearly a whisper. dan stared at the dead rose on the glass.

"no, you don't."

"yes i do." he could feel phil frowning. "why would you say that?"

dan looked at him again, biting at his lower lip.

"because if you missed me, you wouldn't have left me in the first place."

phil looked pained, and he ran his fingers through his hair, shaking his head.

"that's not always how it works."

"how does it work, then?" dan glared at him. "enlighten me, please."

phil sighed, reaching out and touching his hand. dan flinched away.

"i'm just trying to protect you." his voice broke.

"by hurting me?"

they fell into silence, and dan closed his eyes, listening to the rain pound against the window. he was in so much more pain than he had been when phil said those first words, and cut out his heart. it was both physical and emotional. far worse. he felt like he was dying, shriveling up from the inside.

"dan..."

dan shook his head. "you should go."

phil was quiet again, but he nodded, pressing his lips together. "okay."

he stood, and dan saw him set something down on the cushion out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't look. he started crying again as he listened to phil's footsteps as he walked away. he could feel his heart breaking, all over again.

what if this was the last time he ever saw him? and dan had wasted it by being mad at him? that thought sent a spear of emotion through him, but he still didn't say a word. he didn't move until he was positive phil was gone.

then he turned his gaze to what he had left.

it was a folded up piece of paper, sitting on the cushion as if it had no idea of its own significance. dan swallowed hard. he reached out, picking it up with shaking hands. it took him almost a full minute to unfold it.

it was a drawing. a tiny sketch. dan took it in.

a silhouette of a boy with curly hair, his sweater hanging loosely around him, masking his figure. near his chest was a tiny pink heart, drawn carefully, and inside that... were flowers. roses, mostly, but sunflowers and daisies and lilies as well. rooting in the heart, but spreading out to wrap around the boy, even leaving him to travel to the ends of the paper.

and below it, dan read four words that somehow healed him and shattered him further at the same time.

'i love you too'

tears streamed down his face and he crumpled the paper in his hand, letting out a choked sob. he held it to his chest, and it felt like the only thing that mattered. the only thing he had left.

god, he hated him so much.