It all changes

7. Friends?

I woke up panting trying to get my breath. I realised it was only just a. Dream. I gave a sigh of disappointment as I wanted all that to have come true. I just wanted to die.

A week later- Friday evening.

Mom had gone out shopping and she wouldn't be back after 2 hours so I was left home alone...

I was sitting down watching tv not even paying attention to it. All I was doing was thinking about why I wasn't dead already. I just wanted my soul to be taken. I was in tears. Everything always goes wrong. I hate everything about me. Nothing goes right.

I walked to the kitchen still in tears. I slowly opened the knife drawer and took out the biggest and sharpest knife I could find. I sobbed. I faced it towards my heart. I almost pushed it through.

Why ?.. why didn't I do it.

I put the knife down and went back to sit on the sofa. I cried and cried and cried until I fell asleep.

When mom arrived home she woke me up to have some pizza.

Me: I'll pass

Mom: but pizza is your favourite. What is wrong with you. Are you okay.

Me: yeh I'm fine I'm just.... tired.

mom: okay honey ill let you get some sleep.

I woke up the next morning with sore, red eyes. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and went back into my bed. I just tried to breathe as I really didn't do so as I was having panic attacks all the time.

Once my eyes had cooled down I went downstairs to see my mom. It was 11:23 am. Moms boyfriend or whoever he was, was with her. Ugh what is he doing over here. I didn't want to upset her by saying I wanted him out of the house so I acted as if I liked him.

He had dark brown hair with amazing green eyes. He dressed smartly and you could tell he looked after himself well.

Me: hey... um ...

Moms boyfriend: matt

Me: hey matt

Matt: how's everything going?

Me: everything's just fine.

Mom: have some breakfast Sami.

Me: no thanks mom i'll pass.

Matt: breakfast is important for your brain.

He sounded as if he was in one if those cheesy adverts.

Me: I don't need it.

Matt looked quite young and not too bad looking so he was good for

Mom but why didn't I accept them being together.

I walked off like a boss.

I put on my jacket and left the house. I walked back to the place I had discovered and sat on the same boulder. I inhaled the fresh air and exhaled and thought to myself.

Can I cope with anymore of this? wry thing is getting way out of hand and life is going by too fast. I can't do this anymore.

The atmosphere of this place made me feel calm and at peace. All the colours of the flowers were so pretty it kinda made me realise that beauty can come from the smallest of things. I smiled whilst looking at the Daisy's that had grown from the earth.

After I had calmed down I travelled back home and matt had already left the house. Thank god for that. Mom was washing up the dishes after breakfast and sat down on the couch. She was relaxed and happy. I had never seen her like this. Not after dad went anyway.

Me: mom, what did happen with dad anyway.

Mom: it's complicated honey.

She didn't look very happy and stared at the ground as her eyes turned sad with thinking about dad.

I walked off to my room and got my sketch book out. I had been drawing a picture of the place I go to to calm myself down as it was beautiful. And probably the only thing that I loved at the moment. I plugged in my headphones and turned the music up. I loved drawing so much it was the only thing that made me forget about all my problems and made me happy. I had fallen asleep because I was super tired and had a really long day.

Saturday.

I had nothing to do so I got my laptop and went on YouTube. I loved watching videos because they would take up my time so I was occupied doing something. There was one YouTube channel that I loved called truestoryasa they were so inspirational and I loved them so much. I think the only reason I did watch then was because I loved one guy called Adam. He was so hot. So I watched him all day and had some pizza mom told me to have yesterday. It was delicious.

My life is so boring.

I spent the whole day lazing around so I just went back to the place. It made me feel at peace and I had no one to bother me or a thing to worry about. I was free at once. But in reality I wasn't. Life is just too much to expect. I'm just existing I'm not even living. I sat down for a while and thought about everything that was going on. I needed some time to relax and take in everything that was going on.

I got up and walked a little further into the field. It was beautiful.

Does anyone own it? or is it abandoned and some old man decides to take care of it? I started to become paranoid whether or not I was trespassing. But I hadn't seen a sign anywhere so I was fine.

I walked back home and switched on the laptop. I signed into Facebook to see that people had sent me messages saying that they hated me. Even people who I didn't even know hated me. I was furious but upset at the same time. I put as my status:

"IF YOU HATE ME SO MUCH WHAY DON'T YOU KILL ME."

Almost immediately I received messages from people.

Molly: what's wrong ? you just need to calm down

Lauren: are you okay

Me: why do you only care about me now. @molly

Molly: jeez sorry for caring.

Emily: you can tell me anything.

Chantelle: hey inbox me.

It turned out she in-boxed me telling me about all the times she gets bullied and she hates it and can't cope with it. I realised that se didn't know everything she was doing actually hurt me. From then we became friends but it didn't mean we talked a lot.

I ignored the rest of the comments and then said I was okay.

Becky: you can talk to me honey everything will be okay xo

Becky was a really sweet girl. She never even dreamt of saying anything bad to anyone. We knew each other but we never really talked a lot.

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