I'm weak,thoughts are killing me

In Pain

I got my clothes and went to the bathroom.My mom wasn't here yet.Then I remember I eat and felt disgusted.So I threw up,and look at myself in the mirror and I felt awful.I got my phone and put music (it calms me).Anyways I turn the shower on and let the water drop lightly fall in my body.But all of the sudden it began to sting I remembered I had cut and this time it was deep.It stings all the time but this time I actually had felt pain.But who cares right?I like to feel like shit , I look up at my wrist and saw all of my scars.I just wanted to die already I'm tired of feeling like shit I thought to myself .Then I had recall all of the shitty things that happened to me.People making feel bad about myself that why I throw up.Going to school just so people just make feel like shit their.Like it's not enough going on.People calling me fake.You know typical middle school drama.Then I had heard the front door open it was my mom.I hurry up.I got change but I had to put on a sweater.But it was cold in the house so I kind of had a excuse.I had open the door and went to the living room.Where my mom told she was tired and said she gonna take a shower and going to sleep.And she said  to me ,you too should go to sleep already I told her okay and kissed her goodnight.My brother had come from his friends house.I saw him and said "goodnight pussy" as he was closing the door.He stick the middle finger and said "goodnight dumbass" lol we do dumb shit.And he then proceeded to say goodnight to my mom as she was  walking to the bathroom.Then my brother had ask me if he can ask me something and I had got a little anxious because I thought he was gonna ask me what I was doing up at 12:00 am .I told him nervously yes.But lucky he didn't ask me that he ask me if I wanted to go to the park tomorrow? And  I said hell no,I don't like going outside.He told fuck you then I laughed and said goodnight to him.I walked up to my room and went on my phone to see some Shane Dawson videos.I got bored after a while and try to force myself to go to sleep so he wouldn't come and make me do it again and cut myself.I feel asleep finally.