Perception

Chapter 14: Dean

Days passed before I saw somebody else. I stayed in bed, watching the ceiling. I couldn't even stop myself from thinking about what happened. How stupid I had been. How could I have done that to him... I was still thinking about that when I met the psychologist they assigned me. I have to admit: I hate them. They never quite get what is happening in your mind, but they still want to help which annoys me But anyway...I told Jason I would go through this. So, here I was sitting in her office. She came in behind me, closing the door.

-Hi, Dean, right? she asked while sitting.

I nodded. She seemed fine. She was tall and around normal weight. Her hair was loose on her shoulders. She must have been in her 40s considering she had some grey hairs.

-How are you today?

-Hum...fine.

-I will ask you a couple of question if you don't mind.

-Do I have a choice?

-Well you can decide to not answer....

-Just hit it...

-Sleep well?

-Depends.

-What do you mean?

-It just....depends on the day...

-Nothing alters how well you sleep?

I looked at her, trying to think.

-When I am tired I sleep better.

-When was your last night of good sleep?

-Why is that relevant?

-Why can't you answer?

-Touché.... hum...must have been three weeks ago.

-What changed since then?

-I took coffee? I answered, sarcastic.

-Dean...seriously.

-Somebody was home.

-Who?

-Jay...Jason, I corrected myself.

No way I am using his nickname with her.

-Are you two close?

-Is this a psychological test or an interrogation about my sexual orientation?

-The first one.

-Then why are you asking.

-I am trying to figure why you attempted to take your own life.

-He has nothing to do with it, I snapped. Believe me. If it was about it him, I would not be there.

-Really? So, he's the reason you are still alive..., she asked taking notes.

I started playing with my hands, forming fists and releasing them. She gave it a glance, but ignored it.

-Let's change the subject..

-Good idea.

-You were diagnosed with PTSD last year?

-Yes.

-Did you ever had anxiety attacks?

-Some. They are less frequent recently.

-How are you emotions at the moment?

-What does that has to do with anything?

-I am just asking. Do you prefer passing the question? We can come back to it later.

-I don't suddenly want to kill anybody if this is what you are asking. Or cry.

-Any hallucinations?

-What could I possibly imagine?

-You've been to war. You must have seen horrible things, didn't you?

-I don't know what you are talking about, I answered.

Gosh. I had one of those headaches starting. Great! I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

-What happened on the field?

I opened my eyes. My whole body suddenly tensed. I just fixed her, not answering.

-Dean? What happened on the field?

-Can we skip...

-This is my last question. What happened when you were overseas?

-I..no....

-Dean...., she repeated. It is a simple question....what happened?

I didn't answer. I got up and rushed for the door.

-Dean..

I didn't listen. I grabbed the doorknob.

-Dean! yelled a man behind me.

I froze. I shook my head before turning the knob.

-Dean! repeated the familiar voice. Sit down!

I turned to a familiar face. The man was two heads taller than me, blue eyes, salt and pepper short hair. He was sitting in the chair in his formal uniform.

-I said sit down, he ordered again.

I walked towards the chair and sat back down.

-Good! Now talk....What happened? What happened, Dean?

I couldn't answer, nothing was responding. In the blink of an eye, everything had changed on him. His skin was red and half burnt up. Blood was tenting his uniform that was previously clean.

-How could you do that to me? How could you, D...

-Dean, repeated for the infinite time the psychologist, snapping her fingers in my face. Can you please pay attention?

-Yes, Si...M'mam.

-What happened back there?

-Nothing, I whispered under my breath. Nothing happen.

My gaze was fixed on her. She was the same as before. Nothing wrong there. She took some notes on her paper.

-Can....Can I go, now?

-Yes, we will call your sister back in the next 24 hours.

As soon as she gave me her authorization, I rushed out to the bathroom. I grabbed the sink as tightly as I could. My knuckles turned white.

-Hallucinations? asked me the voice of my therapist.

- Yes...

-Auditive or visual?

-Both, I whispered trying to breathe.

-What do you say about staying at our institute? It could help you at least for a bit.

Even I was surprised, but I nodded. I nodded because that hallucination sitting over there was the toughest to see every time...because he was right...How could I have done this to him?