Homecoming (Lesbian)

CHAPTER 3

I got home at ten and didn't say hello to anyone. I got in my bed, under the covers and cried. I can't really say why I was crying. Rosie didn't overstep, she did push me, she was respectful and afterward, she offered to take me to the station, which I refused. She had also been calling me since I left to make sure I made it home safely. And it also wasn't that I didn't like it. I did, I liked every second of it, I liked her lips against mine, I liked her hand on my cheek, I liked her breath on my lips. I think that was it, I cried because I liked it, and I knew I shouldn't. Not according to society.

I heard my phone ringing again. Rosie was calling. She left a message saying "Please, at least tell me you're okay." Then she left another one saying "I'm sorry if I did anything that hurt you. It wasn't my intention."

I answered, texted her I was okay and said nothing about the kiss. I turned off my phone and went to bed.

That night I couldn't sleep, I could only meditate. I liked her, didn't I? I really liked her. But I couldn't. I can't. This is not...

Jesus.

Rosie called every day, at least four times a day but I just couldn't speak to her. I needed time to sort my head out. To understand what happened, who I was. That kiss, that simple kiss had destroyed everything I thought I knew about myself. The guys noticed something was off about me, but only Scott and Faye dared to ask. I didn't tell them. How could I when I couldn't accept it myself? On Wednesday I looked up "How do you know you're a lesbian," in my computer, took a couple of tests and watched some coming out videos on the internet.

Rosie stopped calling on Thursday and that broke my heart. I thought she'd grown tired of the indecisive girl who couldn't accept herself. It hurt in ways I can't describe. Because as long as she kept calling, even if I wasn't ready to answer, I knew she was there, I knew she cared. But when she stopped calling, I felt my heart sink with sadness, loneliness. Finally, my fear of losing her was what pushed me to accept myself.

On Friday night, I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, resolved to say it. It took me a while, it took many tries and even though I really wanted to be fine with it, I couldn't. I sat on my bed and cried again. Why was I crying so much? I know now. Fear. I was terrified. I feared that if I accepted it, people would magically be able to see it through me as if by accepting it I was also accepting to wear an 'I'm a Dyke' t-shirt all the time. And it terrified me because my feelings of rejection had made a hole inside my heart I couldn't get rid of. I was afraid I would lose my friends, my family, everything because of this. So I cursed at myself. Why me? Of all the people in the world, why me? Why can't I be normal?

I needed to talk to someone, the one person who's always there for me. Faye.

I didn't call her before deciding to go visit her. I just put my shoes on and started walking.

Mrs. Burton opened the door and a smile appeared on her face.

"Hello, Riley."

"Hey, mom. Is Faye home?"

"Yes, did you guys have a fight?"

"What?"

"She said something about you being acting weird with her."

"Yeah, I've just been going through a lot. I need to talk to her."

Mrs. Burton stood aside and let me in. I went upstairs slowly, trying to delay it, not really wanting to do it, but knowing it can't be helped. I knocked on the door, and heard Faye's voice "I'm a bit busy, mom."

"Faye, it's me."

Next thing, I heard her steps walking from one side of the bedroom to the other. Then she stopped, came to the door and opened it.

"Hey. Come in."

I sat on her bed, shaking. She stood in front of me with her arms crossed "Two days ago you asked me if something was wrong," I began.

"Yeah."

"Rosie kissed me. And I let her. Actually, I really liked it. I think I have feelings for Rosie, Faye."

"Wait, you mean..." Faye trailed off as she sat next to me.

"I think― I think I'm gay..."

At first, Faye tried to laugh it off, but when she realized I was serious she covered her mouth in shock. She didn't answer immediately which only caused me to feel more uneasy.

"Faye?" she didn't say anything, she stood up with her eyes stunned and her hands still on her mouth "Faye... you still love me?"

She removed her hands from her mouth and asked "What?" then sat back down and hugged me and with that hug, all the pain, the fear, the trepidation, it all melted away in her arms. Her warmth made me feel at home, loved, safe. The way only she can make me feel. She pulled away to look into my eyes "Of course. I'll love you forever." She hugged me again. I could feel her breath on my ear when she added "I'm just a bit surprised, that's it. But now that you say it, it explains a lot."

I pushed her away and with a smiled asked "Wha'cha mean?"

"Well, honey... I don't know if you've noticed, but you attract girls the way honey attracts bees."

I frowned "No, I don't."

"No. You don't notice, that's different." She took my hands in hers and said "Riley, you will always have me. I'm never leaving you... and definitely not for something as trivial as sexual orientation."

"So... it's fine?"

"Of course it's fine. But that's not the point. How come you're a lesbian and you never laid eyes on me. What? Am I not pretty enough for you?" She said pretending to be offended.

I hugged her againand everything fell into place. There was only one thing I still had to takecare of.