NOTE: the song in this was written by me, and belongs TO ME. 100%.
Ruthanna
Chapter eighteen
Mom gets home to me panicking and Rolando watching me while sitting on the floor.
"Ruth?" She asks. "What's the matter baby?"
I just shake my head, gasping as a few tears become a waterfall, as if it is spring and the skies above are emptying out all of their withheld emotions.
I am literally such a terrible person. All that I've wanted is someone like him. Ever since I was thirteen years old, I've been waiting for him and waiting was hard. It hurt my heart, because I felt a strong pull towards him. Like magnets. Any time I liked anyone, it felt like I was cheating on Shawn.
And I just threw it all away.
Mom holds me while I cry for hours. I don't eat or drink anything, because honestly I would probably puke.
I hardly realize when it's after five and all of the kids have left, because the pain in my heart doesn't allow me to pay attention to anything else.
Because my heart hurts so bad.
We hear a knock on the door, after I don't know how long.
"Come in," mom hollers without leaving me.
Liz walks in and closes the door.
"Ruth," she says.
"You are my best friend. My best, best friend. But Shawn is also my friend. I need you to do something for me okay?"
I take a deep breath, attempting yet again to calm my emotions.
Then I nod, and follow her out the door.
Mom comes along, and they both pull the door closed the second I walk out the door.
"Ruth, sweetie, you need to embrace your fears okay hun? Try to understand your feelings." Mom whispers this to me in attempt to calm down the heart attack currently happening inside of my broken chest.
Because Shawn is right there. He's at the end of my driveway, just the same as last time he surprised me.
"Ruthanna," he says.
"Love means letting go and I love you. So I will let you go, because I love you more than I love myself. But I can't let go, not yet. And I won't.
But after this-just listen to me sing this, and if you still won't have me, then I'll move back to Canada and you'll never have to talk to me again, okay?"
I nod, sweating and scared as he starts to play. Apparently he has another thought because he says:
"If I didn't truly love you, I wouldn't have wrote this while having a breakdown two blocks away. Just trust me."
Maybe I was better off not knowing what it's like to be in love.
Maybe I was better off not understanding, what it's like to want someone who can't be yours.
Cause I can't think or eat,
Baby I can't even sleep.
Not knowing that another lover is on your mind.
Not knowing that I would love for you to be mine.
But love means letting go,
And I will let go. I pray for you to be happy.
Because now I know.
I used to pray for love to find me.
I used to dream of falling blindly.
We all think that we can handle rock bottom.
Because there's always a happy ending.
But if you knew, what it's really like to be in love.
If you understood the pain, that it causes.
If you've ever felt the rain, never ceasing.
Then you know.
Love's no fairy tale.
Love's no fairy tale.
Cause I can't think or eat,
Baby I can't even sleep.
Not knowing that another lover is on your mind.
Not knowing that I would love for you to be mine.
But love means letting go,
And I will let go. I pray for you to be happy.
Because now I know.
Maybe we all are better off without love
Maybe we all should give up.
Because there's no fairy tales.
But I can't let go.
I can't let go.
I won't let you go.
And I'm sorry baby.
But what's a life, without love?
Experiences and heartbreaks you can have my heart. Hun you're tearing me apart as I sing these words.
And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, that I can't let you go.
But now I know.
Cause I can't think or eat,
Baby I can't even sleep.
Not knowing that another lover is on your mind.
Not knowing that I would love for you to be mine.
But love means letting go,
And I will let go. I pray for you to be happy.
Because now I know.
You can make it your fairy tale.
Let's make this our fairy tale.
And I'm glad I know.
I'm glad that I understand.
Cause I've fallen on my knees for you.
And you have my heart too.
You're my fairy tale.
You're my love.
And I can't let you go.
Because your eyes sparkle, nothing else in the world.
Instead of becoming helplessly hysterical, I somehow feel myself becoming bold and brave.
Instead of shrinking away, I put on a new face.
Yes, this is definitely too much but it will be worth it. And my future will be beautiful, just like this.
Shawn clears his throat after leaning his guitar up against one of my big bushes.
"I probably should have got you some roses or chocolates or something," he says nervously.
All I want is him. I don't care about roses or anything else at the moment, besides him. He is the sun, the moon, the painted sky and the gorgeous sunsets. He is everything that I've wanted for almost four years.
So what is there to be scared of?
I run to him, and wrap my arms around his neck as his take hold if my waist, and my feet lift off of the ground as he twirls me around.
"Shawn," I say, the tears beginning to come now.
"I love you so much. I'm sorry."
And without another thought, I kiss him.
"I love you too", he mumbles and kisses me again. I wouldn't say that we "made out", but we definitely did get a few good kisses in there and it was better than anything else I've ever experienced.
I'm not sure how long we stand here, hugging, but eventually we look up at mom and liz. Mom is crying, but also smiling and they are both taking pictures.
I also see an extra camera which I assume videotaped everything. Dangit.
As soon as Liz sees us acknowledge their existence, she stands on her tiptoes and yells
SHANANNA at the top of her lungs.
I laugh, shaking my head and Shawn wraps his arms around me. I have a feeling that this is just the beginning of something wonderful, or is that just me in my imagination? I hope not.
I look up into the astonishingly green eyes of my soulmate, and feel at peace in the world.
Finally, I am at home.
Agh! What did you think?? I ship it so freaking much!! OTP?
~shananna forever ❤️
