Engineering Moon and the Crazy Doctor [Completed]

37. In our soul

(A/N: Since Khun Luang had an impromptu concert last Sat. or Sun. midnight... Sadly, I can't dowload the clip, so let me use this video instead. Anyway, it has more connection with the story ^^ and Khun Ying loves photographs)

(Beam)

I fell asleep with that soothing-sweet voice, singing from the background. This was the first time I had a good night sleep since the day I lost one of the people I cherish a lot.

Every time I would close my eyes, her cheerful smile flashed in my mind, then it would suddenly be replaced with her lifeless image. It was like a broken horror movie that keeps on playing in my head. Thus, I opted to lay awake on my bed until it's another day to go to work.

But none of it happens whenever I am with Forth. His presence gave tranquility to all the tumult happening inside me. I don't know how he was able to do it but I am glad he never leaves me despite everything. He's always watching over me.

Yes, I was aware of his supposedly 'covert' safeguard. Who wouldn't? I perfectly recognized his presence even from afar. He's been a favorite topic among the nurses which I noticed every time I do my daily rounds. Pete told me that Forth just wanted to make sure I was okay, but I chose to ignore him. Pete was pissed off with the way I was treating his childhood friend because he didn't deserve it. I agree with him, but I couldn't let him see me in my most dreadful state.

And I thought he wouldn't understand my pain.

Except, he knows exactly what I was feeling, I almost punched myself for being such an idiot.

Of course, he's Forth. My Forth. The world might not understand and turn its back on me but not him.

Doctors and nurses are humans too. We cannot control every outcome, and we're not robots to not feel anything at all. When our patients die, it's a great blow to us just like their family because we tend to blame ourselves for it. We know we can do something to save our patients, but in the end we still can't. Thus, our grief is heavier than anyone else besides the family. We were taught not to show emotions because we need to provide the strength the family and relatives need. But deep inside, we're also hurting like them.

Now, I wondered what good deed I did in my past life to deserve Forth in my life. Those days when I was lost and devastated, just a glimpse of him at the parking lot where he's 'secretly' watching over, was enough to give me strength and continue with my work. As much as possible, I don't want to have another Lily in my record of failures.

Forth believed in my ability to save people. He said, there might be a good reason why Lily was taken from us. Perhaps, so we can have an angel to take care of us from above. It sounded childish, but I accepted his words.

.....

Everything seemed to be back to its original pace after I realize things are worst without my engineer. I need him beside me (but I will never tell that to him). Therefore, the next day, I move back to 'our home.' I took a day off which my senior resident happily granted. I don't know if it's because they were so annoyed by how I acted the past days that's why he's glad he won't be seeing me today, or he thought I really need a break after the hell I experienced. Whatever it is, it's my pleasure to unwind even for a day.

On the other hand, Forth has to go to work, though he badly wants to accompany me today. They are in the peak of their production, so he can't possibly take his leave. I just promised to prepare his favorite dish for dinner for him to go.