Engineering Moon and the Crazy Doctor [Completed]

9. Grey World

(Forth's POV)

I told myself that after our last initiation rite with our seniors by the beach, I'd be ready to voice out the feelings my heart has been keeping for a long time. I would be brave enough to chase the person it has been shouting all these times. I know it would be hard, but nothing precious comes easy, right? So, I have to live all the values SOTUS has taught us...
.
.
.
Everything will be okay, I said to myself.
.
.
.
However, who am I kidding?
.
.
.
I am a fool for believing that things will be falling perfectly according to what I have thought. I am a fool for believing that I can take his flirtatious personality because I'm willing to be all his. I am a fool for believing he would love a man. And I am a fool for thinking that he can be mine. He might be all I want, but I am not all he wants. We're definitely in different pictures.

Fuck myself for thinking and doing foolish things!!

I buy a pack of cigarettes from 7 eleven I pass by while speeding my motorbike after I have talked with Beam. After he unconsciously shattered my fragile heart. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I feel so empty inside and the world seems to lose its colors.

All I can see is grey.

Nothing but grey.

I light up a cigarette and start smoking in an isolated area. It's the only thing that can calm my nerves right now because I don't want to break into tears. I don't want him to be the reason of a sad tear falling from my eyes. After all, I still want him to be the reason of my smile.

Pathetic, isn't it? I am really pathetic.

All the things I have learnt from our hazing activities seem to be drifted away from me. If P'Kong found it, he'd surely be yelling at me. After he bestowed me as the next hazing leader, this is how I act? I have to pull myself together. But, I don't know where to start.

I reach for my pocket to look for the gear we received from the last initiation rite. When I went to the faculty of medicine to see Beam, I intended to give it to him because aside from that gear is a sign that our seniors fully accepted us as their juniors, gears symbolize the heart of all Engineers. If you would give it to a person, it means you're asking him to take care of your heart.

Therefore, I want to use that idea with Beam. I want to give my gear/heart for him to take care of. Unfortunately, I was greeted by unsightful view. Beam was flirting with the librarian.

I know he's that kind of person, but I really couldn't help myself from feeling so awful inside. Those sharp objects keep on piercing my heart.

I tried to ignore it, but when he said those words... I think I've had my enough.

Beam is a wonderful person. That will always be true. But I must accept the fact that he's a man for a woman.

I know I'm not a gay. I still look at beautiful women, and I don't look at other men the same way I'm looking at Beam.

I have liked him because he is Beam.

My hand is in my pocket but, I can't seem to hold my gear bracelet. I empty it. None. I try my other pocket but it isn't there too.

(Shit!) I think I have lost my gear! How careless am I?!

I already lost my heart...

...and I also lost my gear that represents an Engineer's heart.

Does that mean that I lose my heart twice? (Fuck whatever is doing this.)

I lool at the white band I'm still wearing. Should I untie it also? Maybe next time.