Mac P.O.V.
12 NEW MESSAGES*
Babu: are you okay?
Babu: I'm worried about you
Babu: please just say something mac, we'll sort it out
Babu: you were in the wrong mac, why should I be the one apologizing
Babu: you told me you'd quit. you broke the promise.
Babu: I give up. don't call me.
I booked a room at the nearest motel that night. It wasn't flash but it was good enough. A scrappy hotel was the least of my worries, Ari was...though I'm not sure anymore. I couldn't pluck up the courage to text her back. I leave her on read and fall back onto my bed.
I wake up in cold sweat, dripping down my back. Heavy breathing and drowning in my thoughts, not my ideal way of rising early.
Time to get wasted. It'll be better for me if I just forget what happened. I can't deal with worrying, the guilt or the feelings. I'd rather numb the pain away.
As soon as I reach my studio, the familiar smell of smoke reels me in even closer. I dive into my sofa, light a cigarette and start to call one of my mates. He always knows how to make me feel better.
"Uh yeah, Clock it's Mac here, do you maybe wanna come over? I'm pretty down right now-yeah, yeah, it's Ari" I speak into my phone. He muffles he'll be right over and hangs up hastily. Making music is usually my pass time. So is...Ari's. It calms me down and lets me express all my emotions, but not this time. I need to stop thinking about her, about how I can't restrain myself from consuming something that is gradually ruining our relationship. Before I can dig a bigger hole for my mind to fall into, Clock bursts through the door in a state of panic.
"WHAT'S HAPPENIN' wha-" He collects himself at the doorway.
"Fuck, what's up with you" I chuckle and lean back on my chair.
"Me? You asked me to come 'ere-ari-the whole fight...oh" He looks down at himself and starts to laugh with me. Standing in my studio, only with his boxers on; that's my best friend Clock.
"Skks, I ran outta the house bro, don't need to worry 'bout no clothes when ma buddy's is down in the dumps!"
I shake my head, he's the best. My smile fades and I turn back to face the studio glass window. My reflection looks like I just came back from the dead.
"But seriously, man what's wrong. You look depressed...as fuck"
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Ari and I-we had a fight. A big one. You know I worry bout her, she's getting thinner. I'm not sure if you've seen her lately but I'm seriously worried, I don't want her getting sick again" I splutter out, choking on the words in my throat.
"I know she's a bit...on the skinny side but you're her man, her soulmate" Clock gestures towards his heart, "You gotta' be there for her, do what ever man. Buy all that vegan shit she loves, then she'll eat more. Be soft with your lady, It'll work"
"Okay-but she brought up my...um, you know"
"What bro, spit it out"
"Addictions"
"Oh. Oh shit. Sorry, I know it's a sensitive topic for you man but shes your girlfriend. You should feel open to talk about your past"
"But that's the problem, my past is what I want to forget, it was dark. I nearly died fucking hell"
"Mal-"
"She said she's sick of it. I think I came home one night, I was drunk, real drunk, and I-I hit her"
"What the-your not like that Mac, I know you. I know you wouldn't do that"
"No. The memory is faint, but it's there. I didn't just hit her, I hurt her r-really really bad. I saw her a few nights after I did it, sober and horrified when I saw her in the shower; bruised everywhere, cuts on her arms, her legs. I wanted to vomit just imagining the blood. It was m-me. I'm the monster"
We stood silent in the dimly lit room, barely hearing our own breaths escape our trembling lungs.
"Man-"
"What. What will you say, what could you say to a man who couldn't keep his promise to his love; that he would never hurt her"
"Stop, you need to stop killing yourself over this, talk it out with her"
"Talk it out with her?! She was probably terrified being in the same bed as me after that night, but I didn't know. i didn't even know. I was oblivious to the fact that I had hurt her without any memory of doing it"
He was speechless. Silence swept through the area as sound was needed elsewhere. To speak is to say something with purpose, but need not utter a single word for every syllable is useless here.
