Getting Over Kaori Miyazono

Chapter 11

"what brings you in today?"

"Umm." I had no idea what to say, because Hiroko told me to?

"For years now he's had problems hearing what he plays." Hiroko came to my rescue.

"Ah, and you're a piano student right?" I nodded to her, "well, what do you think may have prompted this?"

"The first time I couldn't hear myself play was when my mom died."

"How do you feel about the death of your mother?"

"The last thing I said to her was I wish she would die."

"Why did you say that to her."

"Because I did everything I could to make her better, I practiced endlessly, I thought if I could win, it'd make her happy. Even then it was never enough, I could never make her better."

"Kousei you can't hold that responsibility"

"What do you mean, I was the only one there for her."

"But you where her child, she shouldn't have put her life in your hands. You are not responsible for her in any way."

"But I was the reason she didn't get better. Even though she hit me and made me practice for hours, she was my mom, and she was counting on me."

"Kousei, you must know you're performance wouldn't have saved her."

"But that-" it all connected together, why hadn't I thought of it that way before? I couldn't cure her illness, I couldn't make her go back to who she was before she got sick, I had no control.

Hiroko reached her arm over my shoulders, I now realized I was bent forward, my arms holding each other, holding my stomach. I didn't even notice I moved until she made contact. "Saki loved you so much Kousei, you were her world, she only wanted to see you succeed, but she went to far. She took away your childhood in hopes you could have a career."

"This might be the reason you can't hear yourself play the piano. What do you think of when you think about your mother?"

"Mostly I remember how often we practiced, how she'd hit me with her cane for the smallest of mistakes, always having to wear long sleeves to cover up the bruises. But I can remember waking up to her playing, and that we'd spend time together." I didn't know how to think about it, my mom has haunted me in my performances but was she the reason I couldn't hear it? She gave me the ability to play, but I couldn't imagine that everything we've been through would cause this.

"Do you feel guilty about her death?"

I could feel a lump beginning to form in the back of my throat. I tried to clear it away, "I don't know, maybe." My voice began to waver ever so slightly. "I shouldn't have said what I said to her." A tear slipped by, I didn't want to lose it. "I always felt accountable for her." And then despite all my efforts, I began crying through my words. "Of course it's my fault she dead! No one else was there to help her. How can I not feel obligated to take the blame?! I wanted to do as she said, I wanted to help, but I failed, it's all my fault."

"Kousei you have to let go of this burden." Hisa came through, to be honest, I didn't want to hear it, it's still my fault.

"She's right, Saki wouldn't have wanted you to live your life this way."

"How would she have wanted to live?! Huh?! Just playing the piano the rest of my life, winning every competition?! I can't live the way I did, I can't hear myself perform, I'm nothing without the piano."

"Kousei, you have to listen to me!" I've known you your whole entire life, you are more than the piano. Just look at everyone you have affected throughout your life, me, Koharu, Tsubaki, your mom, Watari, Kaori. Were they not enough. You mean something to them and it's not because of the piano, it's because you showed them who you are."

I didn't know how to process it all. Yes I had friends. Yes I could play the piano well. Yes, I was trying, trying to move on from my past, but am I succeeding?

I took a deep, slow breath in, beginning to calm down. I wiped away my tears and looked up at Hisa. "How do I move on?" I asked in a hushed tone.

"You have to forgive yourself. Let go of your past and live for a better future."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey readers, would love some feedback. I always feel like I overdevelop these scenes and they come out very artificial, let me know what you think.

Thank you, Rocky Marciano 🌠🌌