Getting Over Kaori Miyazono

Chapter 13

I woke up early, early for a Saturday morning, but I was more restless than I could deal with. Today was the competition, today I'd see if therapy had worked, maybe I could hear myself play again.

I laid in bed until I heard the loud, intrusive knocking of no other than Hiroko. I groaned, forcing myself out of my warm sheets and into the cold world once again. I plodded down the steps in no particular hurry to the heavy bangs on me door.

"Geez she needs to calm down." I muttered under my breath as I reached for the door.

"Kousei?! You're not even dressed yet!" She charges up the stairs with a handful of my shirt in her hand pulling me with her.

"Hey, let go!" I pull myself away from her, "we still have a few hours, we're fine."

"Kousei we should go early anyways, get set up, get our nerves out."

"I guess, just don't rush me." I turn away, before being stopped in my tracks.

"Excuse me?" Fear filled me up for a split second. "What did you say to me Kousei?"

I turned back to her, "um nothing, I'm gonna get dressed now." I put on my usual blue t-shirt and khaki pants, combed my hair slightly and slipped on my shoes. I couldn't remember where I put my suit, it's been a few months. My memory is clouded of the time between now and Kaori's death. I found the clothes wadded up under my bed with my dress shoes.

"Great" I breathed, Hiroko will be happy, not. I straightened out my clothes as much as I could before folding them, I only had one suit, this would have to do.

Clothes and sheet music in hand, I went down stairs to the impatient Hiroko.

"C'mon we gotta go."

"Why? It's so early, we have plenty of time before I perform."

"I just want you to have plenty of time to prep."

Prep? Didn't make sense to me but what ever. "Well let's go I guess."

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Upon arriving, I received the usually staring and whispering that came with my entrance. Wait, no. This was different, there was more pity then surprise from the faces I read.

Its Kousei Arima. I didn't think he'd come back

I know, first his mother and then that violinist girl

How does he move on so quickly

Well you know the human metronome, always trying to win, but I don't know that we can call him that anymore.

It wasn't like that, why will I always be associated with an unfeeling, piano robot? Why do they mistake me coming to the stage as pushing my past away from me. Why do they doubt my humanity, that I wouldn't miss these people because I rejoined competitions. Although the piano has become a part of me, I play now for the memory of Kaori and my mother. While their memories are tainted, I play for the gift my mother gave me in teaching me the piano and pushing me to succeed. I play for Kaori because she taught me how to have fun with my playing and be free of a composers interpretation. I don't come back to the stage to so callously forget the people of my past, I do because they'd want me back here.

"Kousei, I didn't think I'd see you back at a competition." Pulled away from my thoughts I look up to see Takeshi and Emi.

Emi reached to touch my arm, "I'm so sorry about Kaori, she had a beautiful stage presence that was matched by no other."

"Thank you Emi." I turned to leave when Aiza grabbed my arm, and I turn back to him.

"Good luck out there," he said with a smile, I return the smile.

"You too"

I head for the prep rooms. When I get there Hiroko is waiting impatiently but isn't alone. Tsubaki and Watari were waiting too.

"Kousei!!!" They ran up to me and hugged me.

"I'm so glad you guys could make it"

"Of course man, we wouldn't miss this for the world." Watari beamed.

"You're gonna do great Kousei, I believe in you." Tsubaki smiled at me, she had the smallest hint of a blush on her cheeks.

Hiroko clapped her hands together, "Alright you two, time to go, gotta get Kousei ready, " she pushed them out of the room. "Go go go."

"Bye Kousei, you'll do great."

"You got this bro, see you later" they said as Hiroko closed the door.

"Okay we have some time before you go on, let's practice a bit."

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It was only moments before I would take the stage. My hands shook at my sides, my skin pale, my head was spinning. Could I do this? Can I hear myself? I had to, it was too late now, I had to try.

"Kousei Arima, it's time for you to take the stage."

I turned to the stage manager speaking, and then to the stage. I slowly walked on to the stage, I focused on my breathing as I felt the familiar hot stage lights beginning to warm my skin. I bowed and took my seat. As I breath, my head clears, my hands stop shaking, and I shut out my fears.

(Chopin Etude no. 3 in E major, Opus 10 no. 3 "Tristesse")
(Obviously Kousei wouldn't play it like this but its just to get the idea)

I rest my fingers upon the keyboard, and begin the piece delicately. I could hear it, so far so good. I played with its intended softness, and I could hear it.

I reached its first peak and rose up and volume but also tempo. No, keep it together. I started falling into the water, my early delicateness fleeting. I could hear some of the runs, it's like I was being pulled in and out of consciousness, momentarily resuscitated only to drown again in the dark, noiseless abyss. What did it sound like? Was I rushing? Was a too loud, pounding away at the keys with no ease?

No, I had to breath, don't stay engulfed in my fears, in my past. After the runs, I slowed down, softened my touch, and finished the piece with full clarity.

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