Is there Truth in the Stars? (A Laurisa Cimorelli Fanfiction)

Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve 

Lauren's POV

It was all too much to take. I missed him so much. The way he used to make me smile. The stories he told me from college, him being there for me when I really needed him. I could rely on him in every situation. And now I felt like I could never live a normal life anymore. Not after seeing all of that. I wanted to get rid of the pictures in my head so bad but at the same time I didn't. Because I wanted to remember my best friend. I wanted to remember all the beautiful Wednesdays we spent together. Even though it hurt and even though I had to live through so many Wednesdays without him. Even more than I spend with him.

Somehow in my head there were only numbers.

When I would live until the age of 80 then there would be about 4.160 weeks. 4160 Wednesdays. The first ten Wednesdays I didn't even know Ethan. So we spend only six years together. Which means about 312 Wednesdays. 312 Wednesdays out of 4160 aren't many. It was like nothing. One year had more days than that! I mean obviously we saw each other more often. Not only on Wednesdays. But still Wednesdays were special.

And suddenly I felt like I hadn't spent enough time with such an incredible person. Such an incredible soul. It was only a minority of my time. I couldn't do that. I didn't want to do that.

My family hated me for being a jerk. And yes, I was one but only because I couldn't change anything. Everything I felt was loneliness and anger and fear and pain and grief and everything at once. Why couldn't this stop? Why? I wanted it to stop so bad. I was ready. I was ready to give up because there wasn't anything holding me back. It hurt so much. Why could something that's not even visible hurt so damn much? How could I make it stop. It had to stop. Please stop. Please help me. Why is this so unfair? I didn't want to feel this pain anymore and I wanted to see him again.

He would smile at me and hug me and he would show me around in heaven. I was sure I was ready for that. And after spending the whole night on a cold bench in the park I knew exactly where I had to go.

I felt bad. I really did. Grandma was so happy to see me. She thought I was just coming by to say hey. So she made tea for the both of us and she gave me cookies. The same cookies that Lisa, Ethan and I would always eat when we were little and when we would visit our grandma. We would sit outside on the grass and tell us stories. We would lie there and when it got darker we would tell each other scary stories. They always expect me to freak out because I was the youngest, but actually it was always Lisa to get scarred. And when we would go home she would come to my bed asking if she could lay down beside me.

I always made fun of her but actually I loved it. Because I always felt how much she loved me and it felt as if I belonged right there. It felt like nothing bad could happen.

But that one horrible day I lost two people. I lost my best friend, my sixth brother. He was gone and I loved him so incredibly much. And I lost that person that my sister was before.

"So Lauren, how are you keeping up with everything?", Grandma asked after taking a sip from her cup. I warmed my hands on mine wondering how I should continue with my plan after all.

"Really good. I'm reading a really good book right now." I said because I had no idea what else to say.

"So you are still reading so much?"

I nodded.

"You are so smart. How's the rest of the family?"

"They are good too. Mom and Dad work a lot like always. The boys are loud" I joked. I didn't want to make her suspicious. She laughed.

"I can imagine that."

"I'll just use the restroom", I said and Grandma nodded.

Silently I walked into the bathroom. There were all the drawers that I needed. I opened one drawer and looked through all the bottles and creams and in the far back I found what I wanted. Sleeping pills. That bottle was almost full. She didn't need these pills. She only took them once when my uncle, her son died in a car crash. That was a really hard time for all of us and Grandma was losing control so Mom gave her these pills. Now they would save me.

Still I felt bad. Hopefully she wouldn't feel so bad. After thinking a little I took one piece of toilet paper, took a pen out of my bag and wrote: "I'm sorry, Grandma. I love you", on it. Then I placed it in the drawer but behind all of the bottles so that it's not too easy for her to find it. Then I walked back.

I drank my tea really quickly.

"Unfortunately, I already have to go" I said. Grandma nooded.

"Okay, Lauren. Please say hey to everyone."

"I will."

"And thank you so much for coming by. You're always welcome for a cup of tea."

I hugged her and I never wanted to let go. But I had to.

"I love you", I said.

"Oh, I love you too, Lauren."

Then I walked away. Forever. I will never visit her again. It was over. My time was up.

I took the bus to that place where I wanted to do it. We used to spend all of our time here. It was beautiful. And perfect.

Then I sat down and I didn't stop the tears from falling down anymore. I took the water bottle that I just bought out of my bag. The pills felt so light in my hands. It was so easy.

It was easy because it was meant to be this way, right?

I pleaded for weeks for things to get finally a little easier and now that I figured out what I had to do, it finally feels right.

They are better without me. They all are.

I'm sorry.

A/N It's a pretty dark chapter. I'm sorry. But I hope you still like it. What do you think will happen? Thank you for reading! :)