pent up energy | jojian

e i g h t

joji sat in one of the chairs max had outside, smoking his third cigarette for that day. it was only seven in the morning, and he had already smoked three. he didn't usually smoke that much in the morning, but he couldn't get rid ian's face when he walked in on him jerking off, out of his mind. ian walked out of the house and sat down a chair beside joji. "hey." he said quietly. they haven't spoken since yesterday, and joji could already tell this was going to be awkward. "it's pretty early to be smoking, cunt." he laughed a little. "eh i don't really care at this point. i felt like i needed it." he said, trying not to smile at the fact that the reason he was smoking and why he felt like he needed it. little did ian know...

"do you really need it though?" ian asked sincerely. ian wasn't usually the one ask questions, or to act curious. "yeah. i kinda do." joji felt his lips drop, still trying to stop his emotions from fucking with him. "but..why is that? why do you need something that is going to kill you?" joji looked down. it wasn't as funny anymore. ian was being serious. he wanted to know. he wanted to know why joji smoked away his feelings. "sometimes that's kind of the point, ian. the fact that it's going to kill me..makes me want to smoke even more sometimes." joji took in a long drag. as he exhaled the cough-inducing smoke, ian said "what the fuck? when have you ever wanted to die? i never noticed." "maybe you weren't looking hard enough..and i've wanted to die for a long time, ian. things have changed. yo-someone made me feel a certain way, and now that i know i'll never be able to be with them, or be accepted by them...it hurts. a fucking lot. and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it. no matter how hard i try to say what i need to, or want to, i just can't do it. i don't think i ever will." joji trailed off, looking down. ian sat there, speechless. he had never seen joji open up like this before; he never knew what joji felt deep down, inside his head. but now..he has had just a glimpse at what really goes on in joji's mind, and he wasn't liking it. he didn't like joji feeling this way. he didn't know why he didn't like it, but he just didn't. it was heartbreaking, knowing your friend has felt this way for... how long had joji felt like this? ian didn't know. "j-joji..i really..i really don't know what to say.. how long have you felt like this? who made you feel like this?" joji let out a small laugh. the type of laugh you hear out of an insane person. the type of laugh that happens when you cry, but laugh at the same time. but not in joy, but in agony.

"i have felt this way for five fucking years, ian. and you can't know who." joji said as he ceased his laughing. ian wondered who could have done this, but as far as he knew, joji hadn't been with a girl in a long time. "i didn't know, joji. i'm sorry. but you don't have to feel this way. but..why exactly can't i know? who's the girl? you know you can tell me.." ian said, trying to figure out who it could have been. "i can't fucking tell you, okay? and yes, i do have to feel this way. it's all i ever fucking feel. i'm stuck in this loop of feeling like i'm trapped, and i can't get free. i can never get free. this person..has fucked me up in ways i didn't even know existed. but you know what the funny thing is?" joji paused, looking up at ian. "it's that i'm in love with them." ian stared straight back at joji, thinking of words he could say to make things better. "i'm so sorry, joji. but you can tell them, you know. i bet she's a great girl, and-" joji got up and left, butting out his half smoked cigarette. joji never did that. ever. and he didn't say anything as he was walking away either. he just left ian feeling confused, and agitated. 'what did i say..?'
ian sat there for thirty minutes, trying to come up with a reason why joji left. and who the girl was. he didn't know joji had such strong feelings towards someone he didn't even know, but they must have done something bad for joji to feel the way he does. but who would do that to joji? and why?
ian saw joji slide open the door, and walk with a lighter in his hand towards the chair he had sat in before. joji sat down, grabbing his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket; he held one up to his face, lighting it. the smoke floated around them, and the smell would be trapped in ian's clothes now. but he didn't seem to mind.
"want to know why i left?" joji said out of nowhere. ian nodded, slightly turning his head towards joji. he took in a drag, and said "i left because i can't tell them. and for the record, it's not a girl." ian turned his head where his attention was only on joji. "w-what did you just say?" ian stuttered. "i said 'it's not a girl.'. ian, i'm not in love with a petty girl." ian's heart beat fluttered. no one knew this about ian, but the homophobic gene was beat into him by his own father and mother. he was afraid of being gay, and gay people in general. he hated it, he hated it so fucking much. he hated being scared of something that seemed so little to everyone else.
"w-what?" ian pushed himself to say. his hands began to shake, and he glided one hand through his hair. this was totally different from walking in on your friend jerking off. this was a whole new level that ian had never been apart of.
"ian?" joji asked. ian nodded, trying to not let it seem like he was freaking out. "this is why i smoke. now you get it." ian shook his head. "who are you in love with? what guy did this to you? i want to know. now." joji's face became red. ian hands were in fists. "now, joji! who??" ian was yelling at this point. "who did this to you?!?" joji started shaking his head back and forth. he was holding his ears like they were in pain, or a loud noise was being made. "FUCK! it's you, okay?!? i've been in love with you ever since that night..that night..oh my god that night.. jesus, ian! you never even remembered it. you were too drunk for your own good. i noticed how i fell in love with you the moment our lips first touched in that fucking video..that god damned video.. my love for you started out slow, but then grew all at once when we fucked that night i just talked about. you did things to me no one ever had done before. i have never loved someone as much as i love you now. i've been feeling this way for five god damn years, and now you finally know. you finally fucking know.. i hope you're fucking happy, ian." ian stared blankly into joji's water filled eyes. "go away." ian said. "w-what?" joji's heart felt like it stopped.

"go away. go back to new york. i don't..i don't want to see you anymore. just leave. go back to where you came from, you..you..faggot."

joji's heart shattered. he physically felt pain. he felt ian's words shoot into him, and knock him over like bowling pins. joji felt tears start to come, and for once, he just let it flow. he didn't care. but he wanted to leave. he wanted to be as far away from ian as possible. joji stood up, looked at ian one more time, seeing that angry, yet beautiful face. joji butted out his cigarette, and went inside. 

"joji..i heard you guys yelling an-" "shut up, max. just shut the fuck up. i'm going back to new york. but i'm going to a motel until i can book my flight. you can text me if you want. but you don't have to. ian might get pissed if you do. since i'm so gay. jesus fucking christ. max..he called me a faggot. a fucking faggot. like i was an alien. max.." max took him in for a hug. as they came together, max saw ian sitting out in the lawn, still in the same chair as before. he hadn't moved. 

"it's okay, joji. text me when you need to. call me soon. please. i need to make sure you're okay. even if ian doesn't give a shit anymore, i still do. i can't believe him..how fucking dare he do that to you?" joji shook his head as they pulled away. he wiped away a tear as he said "i don't know. i don't fucking know." joji went into his room, and packed everything he saw that was his. and if he had left something, he didn't give a fuck at this point. he just wanted to get away from ian. 

an:

holy fuck, im sorry this has taken me so fucking long. things have been hectic, with my mom in the hospital and shit. i havent had any ideas, but now i do, thank god. 

also, cAN WE TALK ABOUT THE 'WILL HE' MUSIC VIDEO???

OH MY FUCKING GOD

THAT WAS EVERYTHING 

SHIT

also i love that song lol 

but have a good day my frens! i hope you enjoy this. i really do lol.

  

an part two:

im writing another phanfic. itll be less cringy, i swear

-ash