pent up energy | jojian

e l e v e n

ian stood by max's office door. he had listened to his and joji's whole conversation. see, he did this almost every time they skyped. ian eavesdropped on every word that was said. but his heart dropped when he heard joji say "i miss him." his heart dropped a lot when he heard joji talk about him. ian felt so fucking bad, and so fucking guilty. words could not express how horrible he felt. but he never told anyone. not even max. because if he tried, he might just get yelled at. max made him feel like absolute shit. and honestly, ian deserved it. he knew this. once max told him what had happened to joji, and how it affected him, everything started to change. ian's whole opinion started to change. he realised what he did wrong. every word max yelled, ian became a little less homophobic. because he was getting told the truth. the cold, and bitter reality. he realised his parents were wrong. he was wrong.
the homophobia dissipated finally, and now that ian knew fully what had happened, and how joji was doing, and how much of an asshole he was, he started to realise the feelings he had grown for joji. ian had put these feelings away, way down in his mind. a place where they would never be found again. but alas, they were. and at the time, ian didn't want to accept it. that's why he told joji to leave. because he was too afraid of his own feelings, and his own family to be with a guy. especially joji. he wanted to go to joji, and apologise so fucking bad. he wanted to speak his mind, his real mind. he wanted to make sure joji knew he was loved, and was cared about. not in a friend way, but a boyfriend kinda way. he just wanted joji to feel emotion again. emotions besides sadness, longing, and distress. but what if joji threw him out? told ian that he was nothing to him anymore? told ian that he hated him? it was going to be hard, but ian knew he was going to america soon. max told him to get out before march, and that wasn't too far away. he needed to see joji, to speak with him. to hug him. to tell him he was so fucking sorry. to give a speech about why he had said the things he did. and you know, that's exactly what ian was planning to do.
he didn't want to be a pussy anymore. he wanted to prove to george that he was truly sorry, and to prove that he was truly catching feelings for the jap. he didn't want to sound like he was gonna say that just to make joji feel better. he wanted to mean it. he really fucking did.

_

it had been five months now. ian was dying inside when he heard joji's name or his voice. he needed to see joji. not in two weeks, not in two months, but now.
he wanted joji bad. but he wasn't sure if joji wanted him back anymore. but there was only one way to find out.
and that's to book a plane ticket to new york.

an:
idek anymore
this sucks ass.