pent up energy | jojian

t w e l v e

the sound of beeps and people rummaging through their things woke ian up. he had fallen asleep on the plane. god dammit. once he had fully awoken, he realised what he had came here to do. and fuck, he dreaded it. well, not dread it, but he was nervous and worried senseless about it.
he had remembered joji's apartment address and his apartment number from the last time he visited there. he kept playing the scenes of what could happen in his mind, as he got his luggage. everything around him was going so slow, but in his mind, it was like a racetrack. his scenarios kept coming and going with ease. some being held back, and he spent a few more seconds thinking about it before he let it go. he thought about how max cheered him on to come here. at first, max sounded angry. because honestly, when does he not? but ian soon realised he was encouraging him to go, and apologise for his mistakes. he, for once, opened up to max about his feelings towards joji. and how he was so fucking worried about george not accepting his apology. or his love. since that's what got them into this mess. but since things have changed, ian wanted joji. he wanted joji so fucking bad it was unbelievable. of course, the process of learning you're gay is hard, but once it's over, it's a whole new world.
ian had always remembered george's apartment complex, and the number. when he visited new york, he would always come and see george; maybe stay there a day or two, then leave so he wouldn't be bored to death by ian's bickering and crude jokes. even though secretly joji wanted him to stay longer. ian wasn't prepared at all, he didn't know what he was going to say. but he did know he was going to apologise, and tell joji how he felt.

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the car ride (you already know it's uber) there was traumatising. in ian's mind, he was preparing what to say. even though he had no fucking clue on what was going to happen, or what he was actually going to end up saying. and that terrified him. one word that's not clarified enough could make everything even more detrimental to ian, and joji. if joji took something the wrong way, ian would certainly pay for it. like he was paying for his wrong doings now. he kept thinking about that day, and it overall made him feel shitty. because well, he is a shitty person; in his mind. but then he saw the apartment complex. every thought ceased, and he only pictured joji. he pictured what he looked like, and how beautiful he truly was.
the car stopped, and it ended with ian paying the kind man who was driving him, and getting his shit out from beside him since he didn't have much. but he did have george's sweatshirt that he left. ian had wore it so many times, trying to savour every whiff of joji he got. it made him think about the times he stayed up, gaming or listening to music. just wearing the hoodie, as he was constantly being reminded of george.
ian walked into the lift, dragging his stuff behind him. he pushed the floor number. it was cold, and felt a little too greasy. too many fingers had touched it. including george's.
as the lift became closer to joji's floor, ian's heart beat sped up. his hands became colder and clammy. even though he felt sweat run down his forehead. 'was this what joji felt like?' he thought as the doors opened. ian's heart beat was at full blast now, and so was his anxiety. right behind that door was a depressed, and broken man. all because of ian. and he realised that. but it was time to change it.
shaking, he held his finger up to the doorbell. it was shaking uncontrollably, and he couldn't focus on where it was. but he put pressure onto the doorbell, and he heard it rang. he listened to what appeared to be joji stumbling to the door, and knocking over something in the process. he stopped to pick it up, whatever it was. "sorry! be there in a sec. some book fell ov-" his voice came to a halt as he opened the door, seeing a almost breaking down ian. joji's eyes flicked from his body, to his eyes like he was studying ian; trying to figure out who he was. but joji's eyes went wide as he realised who it was. his skin went pale, and he tapped his hand against his thigh anxiously. "what t-the fuck are you doing here?" joji asked, all while he was trying to remain monotone as fuck. ian took a step towards him, which made joji flinch backwards. "n-no! what the fuck do you want? y-you told me to leave, so i fucking did, god dammit. wh-what are you fucking doing here?" joji's voice rang truth, but harsh words. ian deserved it, but he was trying to figure out what to say. joji began to close the door, because he was scared of ian now. what could he possibly want? but ian jammed his foot in the door, which made him wince in pain, but he didn't care.
"g-george! don't shut-dont shut the door. please. i need to talk to you. p-please.." joji kept his glossy eyes focused on ian. joji didn't seem to blink, which would seem like it was uncomfortable. he slowly nodded his head for ian to continue. but his hands never left the door. "i came here t-to apologise, and to admit that i was wrong. i was so fucking wrong, george. i didn't mean to say those things, even though it sounds like i meant it. but i didn't. i never meant to say them. you see, it was my homophobic-asshole-of-parents that were talking. they..they're the reason i said that. they made me terrified of being myself, and being around anyone that was gay. they beat the homophobia and fear into me. i never meant for any of this to happen..i really didn't. i was too afraid of my own fucking feelings to acknowledge and accept yours. george, i'm really fucking sorry. over this period of five to six months, i realised that my parents were wrong. and i was wrong. you poured your heart and soul out, and i just shunned you away. i shouldn't have done that. i'm so fucking sorry for that.. i also realised that i have feelings for you too. that's what i meant by being too afraid of my own feelings. when i started feeling for you, i tried pushing them deep down, where i would forget them. but since everything has happened, i remember them. and now, i don't think i can forget them again." ian stood frozen, he had never said anything that fucking personal, and especially to joji. he slowly wrapped his arm around himself, releasing his foot from the door. joji opened the door all the way, as he too, was speechless. his heart, which was shattered and broken, had been seemingly put back together. ian saw tears fall from joji's beautiful eyes, and he felt so fucking bad. as he started to apologise, joji stopped him. "d-don't be sorry for making me cry. i just need to cry. you put me through so god damn much, ian. you made me feel like a piece of shit. but you came all this way, just to apologise..i don't..i don't know what to say.. but i..i do forgive you. i've missed you so god damn much, how could i not forgive you? ian..thank you for coming here." joji wiped his salt-filled tears away from his eyes. ian moved towards joji slowly, making sure joji was comfortable with ian hugging him. he nodded, and they stood in the doorway, hugging. the hug was long overdue, but they both needed it. they had been needing each other for way too fucking long.

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an:

woo did i have a time writing this. hope you guys liked it lol. i tried, hopefully it came out well. it's like 12 am, what am i doing w life.
once i publish something, i write a small draft. then i stop and wait for a few days then go on this weird ass fucking writing spree, at like 2 am. but ig it works lol
anyway, goodnight my frens, enjoy! 💕