Please Understand

Chapter 16: Guilt

All the lights were off in the house as I laced up my shoes, and my heart was racing. Is this how Amelia felt all of the time? Like she couldn't escape no matter what she did? How scared was she every time she sneaked out? This room was starting to feel like a cage with happy parents trapping me, and I found myself staring at the ceiling with wide eyes. If I dared close them, then memories rushed back of the day Amelia peed her pants in PE, and then came her story, her reasoning, and the warning signs I missed. Every passing second pierced my heart.

Is she finally free from this horror?

Blood.

Product of lust.

Mousy child.

Mr. Morris.

Blood.

Lust.

Protect me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as the words crashed against my skull. Then, I hurried out the front door, and sprinted, chasing down a lost life. The dull street lights passed by in a blur and I couldn't bring myself to look at Amelia's house even though I wanted to see her sitting on the front porch. Every house's lights were off, but that should be normal at three in the morning. I needed to tire myself, so maybe I could get some sleep that night without seeing her and without remembering my mistakes. My brain needed to shut off for just one minute, so I could think about anything else.

"Why do you want to forget about me?" Amelia asked as she jogged along next to me. Her hair was up in a high, messy ponytail, she wore a baggy t-shirt, and her yoga pants. She hated running, but she would wear a similar outfit while binge watching whatever show she was into that week.

But now I know why she really hated PE; it wasn't because she was lazy. I sped up my pace, running away from my own imagination. Part of me knew she wasn't real, but sleep deprivation was getting the better of me. She seemed so real, like I could reach out and hold her, and then maybe she would turn into the real Amelia.

"Mason, why do you want to forget about me?" she asked a little louder this time, and she stopped running because she couldn't keep up. She stood in the middle of the sidewalk with her arms reaching towards the sky. "Do you want to walk away from me again?"

Yes, just like I did in PE because I didn't want to be friends with the weird girl who peed her pants. I should've stuck by my best friend's side even though I didn't know she needed me. I should've been better. I should've protected her. I could've helped her through it all.

"Mason! Are you going to turn your back on me again?" she screamed. When I looked over my shoulder at her, blood was running down her face, her long, matted hair was down, her shirt was ripped, and her body shook in desperation. She came to me for help once again, and I was about to turn my back on her because that's the only thing I ever knew how to do.

I wanted to call out to her, I wanted to help, but I knew she wasn't real. There's still a sane piece of me, and he knows this is guilt coming back to haunt him for all the times he didn't help her. All I could do was stand in the middle of the sidewalk and stare at my imaginary girl with my heart beating my ear.

"Come find me, Mason, I need you," she whispered as tears streamed down her flushed cheeks. She held her arm out towards me, extending her finger tips out, like she would stroke my face any second. Would she come closer to me?