Please Understand

Chapter 19: Round and Round

Slowly, Mason and I grew apart. I blamed myself for slithering into the farthest corner of my mind where no one could reach or hurt me. There were days I would lash out at him simply for being born a boy. Why did he get to do whatever he wanted? There was always the pardon: boys will be boys. All I received was underwear liners. I didn't get to hide behind an excuse. I had to face my decisions.

I did, however, hide in his tree house, like I usually did when Dad was drinking. Today, I didn't tell Mason to meet me there; I think he just knew. Sometimes we had Best Friend's Intuition, when we knew the other needed us. I could always feel when he needed me even though it didn't happen very often. I sat there for less than five minutes, sobbing into my hands, when he came bursting through the hatch door.

"What's wrong?" he immediately demanded.

"Nothing," I sniffled as I wiped away my tears. He didn't need to be burdened with my troubles. Only I can carry the true weight because he wouldn't be able to understand.

Coach Holtry was giving us one of his famous pep talks as we all stood around him, helmets in hands. His words were a blur as my eyes looked to each of my teammates, stopping on Luke who still avoided my gaze. I hadn't tried talking to him, but I knew his story was a lie. How was he in my room with Amelia when I was in my room with Carlie and Amelia? My fingers tightened around my helmet as Coach Holtry said my name and slapped my back.

Now is the time you should cheer, or say anything. Be normal! I opened my mouth to agree with him, but the subject changed too quickly for my slow mind. I faked a smile at everyone as they pumped each other up. The only thing I could wish for was that I could at least fake half of their enthusiasm. I needed some energy for the time being. I needed Amelia to leave my thoughts, so I could focus on leading my team.

"You were always so confident out here. You know I came to every game, right?" she asked as she walked next to me onto the field. The crowd cheered for us as we lined up, and she never left my side. She smiled at me as I knelt down. "I took so many pictures. Now look, my dad is up in those stands, trying to fill some kind of void." She snickered as the ball landed in my hands, and my head snapped to the bleachers. "I'm not here anymore, so he's supporting you. Someone who isn't even his child. Pathetic. He never supported any of my dreams."

Everything was in slow motion as I turned my head back to the game, and prepared to throw the ball, but I was too late. A husky boy in a red jersey tackled me to the ground without any hesitation. I gritted my teeth and I braced myself for the hard ground, feeling my helmet bounce and rattle my skull. The boy laughed, but helped me up in a sportsman-like way, but I didn't want to play the game this way. I needed to focus. I didn't want to lose.

Amelia was taunting me every time I threw the ball, with every touchdown, and every cheer from the bench. Guilt and lack of sleep twisted in my mind as we took our break at halftime. My stomach flipped, and I stood there with my hands on my knees. We stood together as our coach gave us yet another pep talk, even though we were in the lead by two touchdowns.

"This isn't the Mason I know! You would be adding to this ridiculous talk, or insisting on getting another five touchdowns. What happened to you?" Amelia asked from her seat on the bench. She looked through all of my teammates to look me in the eyes.

"Mason! Is there anything else you want to add?" Coach Holtry asked as he looked at me with scrutinizing eyes.

"Let's hear it!" she exclaimed with a small giggle, sounding the way she did when we were little. She clapped like a child. "Come on, I want to hear one of your famous pep talks! I never got to witness one!"

I stammered as I looked at my expectant teammates. Everyone wants the old Mason back, so how was I going to be him? "I know we are already ahead, but let's get five more touchdowns this quarter. We can't give up after halftime! Let's just stay focused," I rambled as the words clawed my throat.

She frowned at me, like I wasn't good enough, but she was simply mirroring the way I already felt. "You're running out of time, Mason. You aren't going to find me," she suddenly whispered with her eyes widening.

I froze as everyone rallied, chanted, and bulldozed their way out onto the field with me jammed in the middle of the group. I was swept away by the excitement, but as I stood on the field, crouched, and ready to catch the ball, Amelia's big blue eyes were there. You aren't going to find me. She stood with the linemen, and blankly stared as she wiped her tear stained cheeks.

"Amelia, you're crying. What's wrong?" he asked as he sat across from me. I wanted him to reach out and hold me, but I knew he wouldn't. Instead he played with a string on his sweatshirt.

"I told you nothing," I grumbled as I crossed my arms over my chest. I had to be strong for myself because no one was going to be my rock. The tears stopped flowing, and I wanted to be alone, so I could keep crying.

He hesitated, and took in a shaky breath. "Is this about your mom? You can talk to me-"

My head snapped up at the mention of my mom. How could he throw her in my face? "I don't want to talk! Mason! Get out!" I shouted, feeling my face heat up as anger coursed through my veins.

He jumped back, and gave me the saddest, kicked puppy-dog eyes. Then, he clenched his jaw and scrambled to his feet. His face matched the anger I felt. "Fine."

That was one of the last times Mason tried to help me.

Number 21 flashed before my eyes as I blinked away the story. Her words were a constant distraction. Where was I? He threw me to the ground without a moments hesitation, and the ball flew out of my hands. This time, I didn't brace myself for the hard ground, but I focused on his massive weight pinning me down. Cold. My brain rattled against my skull, my eyes crossed, and the clouds spun in circles over my head. I tried to focus on the bars of my helmet, but the spinning didn't stop. Suddenly, my stomach jolted back and the guy stood over me, his heads circling around.

"Mason!"

"Mason?"

"He's fine!"

"No, he's not!"

"Mason? Dude?"

"Get up!"

"Mason!"

The boy reached out, but I didn't grab onto his hand. I couldn't move, so he stepped out of the way as my teammates circled above me.

"Someone help him!"

"Don't just stand there!"

"Mason!"

My mouth watered and I lurched forward. The vile chunks burned my throat, but I couldn't stop even as the warm liquid splashed against my helmet. Finally, my eyes closed, so the spinning would stop, but I still felt like I was laying on a ceiling fan. Round and round. The helmet was ripped off my head as my stomach lurched again. This time, I was lifted to my feet as the stomach acid found its way back into my mouth, dribbling down my chin.

"Mason?"