Please Understand

Chapter 24: University of Washington

The weight of life was crushing me. I had no where to go, except for therapy. As soon as I turned sixteen, I got my first job at the local drive-in, so I could pay for a therapist. Everyday after school, I would go see Dr. Easton, and then I would go to work. There wasn't time for real friends, even though she always told me that friendships would help fill the loneliness that consumed me. I always thought of Mason when she said these things, so finally one day I asked her about him.

"I have this best friend; I grew up next door to him," I murmured as I played with the ring on my finger. It was my mother's birthstone: amethyst. "I haven't told him about-" I gulped, but we have been working on me coming to turns with what happened to me, "-the molestation. If I told him, what do you think his reaction would be?" My eyes were wide and hopeful.

Dr. Easton leaned back, and tapped her clipboard with her pen. "That's merely a matter of opinion. Amelia, why are you really trying to salvage your friendship?" she asked with a tight, but encouraging smile.

Then, I was forced to delve into my abandonment issues as she called them. I was obsessing over Mason because I didn't want to lose him as I had lost my parents and myself. By the end of my session, I truly believed that I needed to let him go. For awhile, it worked. I focused on building friendships with students in my yearbook class, or band kids even though I was not musically inclined. Slowly, the loneliness became a tingling numbness instead of a demanding roar. I believed that someday I would be whole again.

Footsteps crept up the stairs, so I shoved the diary under my pillow, and grabbed the notebook my own therapist had insisted on me using to journal my thoughts on Amelia. Ironic, how she did the same thing about me.

Mom had been up here before my therapist; she wore a sad smile. I knew she had been crying, but we both ignored that small fact. She was trying to be happy as she told me that Amelia was still out there. The girl they found wasn't her, but I knew she wasn't happy because this nightmare still wasn't over. We didn't have the closure we all desperately needed.

"Dude, Mason, who was that downstairs with your mom?" Luke asked as he burst through the door. He acted like nothing was wrong, even though he caused a panic attack.

I sighed because he was really the last person on this Earth that I wanted to see. "My therapist. She's supposed to help me with my anxiety," I muttered as I closed the notebook and set it on my bedside table.

He smirked as he grabbed my office chair to sit on. "Hot," he stated, pretending like there wasn't tension boiling between us.

I knitted my eyebrows together, and slightly glared at him. "Why are you really here?" I asked as I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Homework, and I wanted to apologize, I guess," he grumbled. He shrugged his shoulders, and then rummaged through his backpack. "I'm sorry."

I snorted at the worst apology I had ever heard and rubbed my face. "Okay, cool, well why'd you do it?" I finally asked.

He threw some papers on my desk, and then sat back down. "I know I told you it was for scholarships, but that's not really all of it. I guess I got jealous of you and Carlie," he grumbled and then he shook his head. He pushed back his hair, and looked up with a sad smile. "I know I told you it was okay, but it's not. I still love her."

I rolled my eyes and looked towards my closed curtains. "You should've told me. I never wanted to be with her anyways," I commented, and then I looked back at him. "She's hot for sure, but I don't have feelings for her."

He nodded his head, and then ran his hands across his face. "I don't know why I made such a big deal out of all of this," he laughed in an attempt to lighten the mood. "Everything has gotten out of control lately."

I smiled back at him, an actual real smile felt almost painful. "It's weird how Amelia could make everything change," I replied with a small chuckle. "No one even noticed her, but now that she's gone, everything spiraled."

"I don't know if I would blame Amelia; I think everything happens for a reason," he stated in a slightly profound tone.

I laughed at him and shook my head. This could not be real. "Don't get all philosophical on me. You're going to be the new star quarterback, so you can't be smart now, too," I joked, feeling like I might have a chance to regain a lost friendship. Maybe I really needed Luke around to keep myself from going completely insane. At the very least, he might be able to help distract me from my obsession.

He laughed a little, but something was still holding him back from being the Luke I knew. "No, we need you back. There's no way I can hold the team together, and you worked a lot harder than I ever did for your spot. I'm actually here because all of the guys wanted me to beg you to come back," he explained with a shrug. "Plus I don't really like all of this conflict anyways."

Another real smile strained muscles I haven't used in what felt like years. "Okay, okay, tell them to stop begging. I'll be back as soon as I'm cleared by my therapist. What does Coach think about all of this? He probably doesn't even want me back after all the trouble I've caused."

He spun around in my chair, the way he always did when he would come over on weekends to play video games. "No, trust me, we need you. There's so many scouts who have been asking about you. One from the University of Oregon is really concerned that you might have a concussion," he admitted with a small shrug.

I wrinkled my nose and ran my fingers through my unwashed hair. "The Ducks? Gross, I would rather take the offer from Boise State," I joked with a small smile, and suddenly a light bulb brightened in the back of my head.

University of Washington.