Captivated by a Highlander

Chapter 20 - Trauma

I don't ever want to talk about what happened. More than half the time I can barely remember what happened during my days in that cell. I could not look at myself in anything reflective: glass, a mirror, water, etcetera. I felt so disgusted with myself for what happened. I know it's not my fault. I know I am not at fault. I shouldn't blame myself. But what else am I to do? Sit here and blame the people who tortured me for, according to Angus and Raymond, eight days? They were all killed or captured. The young man who fed me, he was captured. I had to beg them not to kill him. Once I saw him, I couldn't let them hurt him

His name is Miles. He's an exact, carbon copy of Logan. The same slightly curly brown hair, the same eyes, even the same olive skin tone.  His voice even sounds the same, even though his accent is heavier and he only speaks Gaelic.

I spend two straight weeks in the security of my bedroom. I can never sleep. My wrists are always bandaged, as well as my ankles.  I haven't touched my violin. I just sit in silence on the bench below the window and stare out over the dead grasses and fields.

Just like I am now.

My fingers grazed over the soft curtains and parted them. Gentle sunlight filtered into my dark bedroom. My eyes burned from the sudden light, but below me, the Monroe brothers were training.  I wondered if they were preparing for war.  

They all believed that the men that captured me were were all hired by the McLeods.  Ivan told me that while I was gone, they received a messenger from the clan with a threat, a threat for war if they didn't surrender a large portion of their land. 

I though it was stupid, then Ivan explained to me that the Monroe clan had taken that land from them three generations back. Their grandfather had won that land in a previous war.

Now, I stared down at them, training each other, even Ivan.  Meanwhile, I sat here quiet in my bedroom, humming a song to myself. I only stared with the gentle tune. Slowly, the words found their way off my lips.

[ please begin the video here for audio whilst you read ♡ ]

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

I placed my hand on my stomach, a twist of pain that suddenly ripped though my entire abdomen. I felt sick to my stomach at the though of what might have happened.  If the bastard who raped me had gotten me pregnant, I would never be able to marry Kain. He's the Laird's heir.  He cannot be the father to a bastard.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

At night when the rest of the keep was asleep, I would wander the hallways, sleepless.  The stone was cold beneath my feet and it sent chills throughout my entire body.  I started to embrace the cold. It was the only thing that I could make sense of.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

No one in the castle ever spoke to me. I think they were all afraid to talk about what happened to me while I was there. They just stare, and I can read the looks on their faces. Fear. Worry. Indifference. Sadness.