Becoming Bone (ON HOLD TO REWRITE)

Chapter 4

Jace's Pov.

I've officially been here a week. At meals I don't eat besides raw, UN-tampered fruits and veggies when I feel like I need it. Oliver hasn't had a scream nightmare since then. Everything's been going fine for the most part, well besides inside. My thoughts are getting worse and the voices are coming back. No, not schizophrenic voices, just my own thoughts and hatred of myself. It's getting really bad again. It's hard to focus much because I can't stop thinking. Some of the boys try to talk to me by it's mostly one sided. And eventually they stop and make conversation with someone else. 

Since I've been here I've worn nothing but long sleeves and long pants, because of my still recent cuts. But tonight it's really hot. I can't handle being in so much clothes. So in the middle of the night after everyone was asleep I changed into shorts and a t-shirt. I reminded myself to change in the morning back into pants and long sleeves before I fell asleep. I don't want people to see them for obvious reasons, but I don't like looking at them because it only makes me feel worse.

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When I wake up in the morning, I'm groggy and tired. I forget to change before going downstairs.

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When I get into the dining room all conversation stops and it goes silent. I yawn and stretch my arms back before going into the dining room. When I step inside, I realize everyones staring at me.

"What?" I ask confused. I look down at myself to see what wrong and I'm hit with nothing but red. I forgot to change. My breathing picks up and when I look up, everyone's still staring at me. I run up to my room and slam the door.

I run into the bathroom and close the door, leaning against it and pull my knees to my chest. I start crying and in seconds in bawling my eyes out. I can't believe everyone just saw that. Everyone knows now. Everyone will finally realize how pathetic I really am. I just want to die. At this point I'm hyperventilating.

My face is going numb and I'm scratching my arm. Hard. I feel my arm burn as I scratch off layers of skin. Someone knocks on the door and I put my feet out, pressing my feet against the counter so nobody could get in. They try to open the door but I'm blocking it, so they fail. They knock harder and harder, yelling my name but I ignore them. My heads a mess. My thoughts are killing my mind and the voices are in control.

'You're useless. You're pathetic. A waste of space.'

"No, no, no, no." I whispered, sobbing. "No, leave me alone. Leave me alone. Just shut up." I say, my voice getting slightly louder at each word.

'You think anyone will talk to you now? No. no they won't.'

"Yes they will. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. They will. They will!" I say yelling

'No they won't. Nobody talks to the crazy ones.'

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I yell. They think I'm talking to them, but I'm not. I'm yelling at myself, at the voices. I just want it to stop. For everything to just stop.

'Nobody really cares. It's all fake. your mom sent you here to get rid of you. You know that. You said it yourself.'

"Stop it! Leave me alone!" I shout. I stop scratching my arm, which is now bleeding, and cover my ears. I scream as loud as I possibly can. I do it again and again and again. I do it, letting my voice crack. I don't stop until my voice stops working.

'No one cares. No one loves you. Stop lying to yourself."

I shake crying.

"Make it stop. Just make it stop." I whisper out hoarsely.