Becoming Bone (ON HOLD TO REWRITE)

Chapter 18

So this is basically the last chapter but in Jace's POV until around the end, like I stated last chapter.<3

Jace's Pov.

"Oliver?" I whisper and he halfway nods his head.

"Jace." he breathes out.

"You, how, but, how- how did you- how did you find me?" I ask confused.

"You left - and I flipped at Will - because he would tell us what happened - so I ran after you - and I asked for directions - and they drove me - over here and showed me where to go." he tells him in blocks since it seems that he doesn't quite have his breathing under control yet.

"So you, you don't know?" I ask. Of course he doesn't. He wouldn't be here if he knew. God I'm such an idiot. To think that he would have forgiven me. He shakes his head before he waves his hand in my face before bending over and resting his hands on his knees, catching his breath.

"No, I know. Will told me something, not what happened, but he gave me a hint. He said something about how you loved me and not to forget that when I realized what the problem was. After a while of running I remembered your conversation with each other in our room. And eventually I pieced it together. I know that you broke your promise. I know that you were hiding food. Yes, I'm mad. I'm pissed off. I'm disappointed. I'm let down.

"But most of all I feel like a total piece of shit. Because I couldn't keep you from going back to doing bad. I couldn't help you like you helped me. And you lied to me. You lied and acted like you were keeping your promise when you weren't. If you would have told me, I wouldn't have told. I would have tried harder to help. I wouldn't hate you. I want to, I want to hate you so bad because I trusted you and you broke your promise and if I could just hate you then I'd have a perfect justification to fall right back into my eating disorder, but I don't and I can't.

"I love you so fucking much and that kills me that you couldn't come to me. It kills me that I wasn't enough." he tells me with tears streaming down his face. I can't believe that Oliver thought, no thinks, that. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though. I know bad his self-esteem is but hearing him talk like this kills me. But there's so many things to counter and explain and I can't seem to find the right words to say.

"Oliver....I'm, I'm so sorry. You were, you are enough. I just can't. And I- I thought y- you'd hate me. And I have no idea why you don't right now." I cry to him as he pulls me into a hug. I wrap my arms around his waist in return but hear the train.

This is my only chance. Oliver will get over it. He'll move on. You have to do it and you have to do it now.

I try squirm in his arms. I have to do this. It'll make everything better. All my pain will stop and it'll be the last time I'll ever hurt anyone.

"Oliver." I say in an attempt to get him to let go. But I knew that was highly unlikely, so I tried to use physical strength, which also didn't work. I don't know where this studden strength in Oliver came from but I really wish it didn't come now. I would hate to do this in front of him but it's my only option.

"No. I don't care how bad you want out, but there is no way you're leaving me." he chokes out, seeming to be trying not to sob. He tightens his grip and I know that I can't get out of his grip so I stop trying. "I love you. I love you so goddamn much that I swear to fucking god if you kill yourself, I will too. I sit on these train tracks and wait just like you did. I need you. You are the only thing that keeps me going. And I know you think that's not true, but it is. I never tried, not for anyone, until you came along. You saved me and I can't lose you. I'll do whatever I can to help you. Tell me what and I'll do it. Please, anything. Why am I not enough? All I want is to be enough for you so tell me what to do so I can be." and then he start sobbing. I can't handle that this is my fault. This is all because of me. Yet I still want to kill myself. If I was dead I wouldn't keep breaking his heart, just like I knew I would. I wrap my arms around him again, holding him tightly against my body as the train flies past us.

"Oliver, no. I love you. I love you more than you can possibly imagine. You mean the world to me. You're my motivation. You're the only thing that keeps me going but.." I trails off not quite sure how to word it.

"But I'm not good enough." he says in between sobs. God no, that's not it. Why can't I get it right? Why I do keep on fucking things up more and more.

"No, you are. You are more than enough. But I just can't do this. You helped me so goddamn much. When I had my tube in, I thought I could get better, I really did. When I made that promise, I meant it. But after that tube came out, I broke inside. You were the only reason I even started to get better. But it's too much.

"In the end, I won't have you. You're the only thing that helps me feel okay, normal, happy even. But when you get better, or even if we both did, we'd leave each other. We won't live with each other anymore. We won't be roomates. We won't cuddle and his and hug or sleep in the same bed and we'll never have sex because we don't live by each other.

"For all we know, after we leave, we might never see eachother again. And when that happens, I'll break just like I am right now but ten times worse. Because then I will be better. I would've gotten through this and be ready to go on with life. But without you, I am nothing. You love me so much that you shove away some of my self hate. You're my dreamcatcher, I don't have nightmares when you're around. I'm only okay because of you." I cry desperate to get through to him. I can't handle that he thinks he's not good enough. He is and so much more. He deserves so much more than me.

"Then don't leave me. And don't ever do this again." he begs.

"Okay. I can't promise you anything besides that I'll try. I promise that I'll come to you when I need to. I promise I'll try. Nothing else but try. And I won't break this promise." I say.

"You swear?" he question.

"Swear." I reply.

"On my life?" he ask and I'm slightly taken aback. I know he won't believe me otherwise, but he knows I only promised to try.

"I promise I'll try, on your life. Even though I'm not too keen on betting on your life." I chuckle and I feel him smile into my shoulders.

"Jace." I hear him say quietly, but it sounds different than before.

"Yeah?" I question but he doesn't respond. "Oliver? Oliver!? Oliver!? Are you okay!? Oh god, Oliver!?" and then he goes limp. Oh god. He passed out. Oliver passed out.

This is all my fault. Oh shit. I gently lay his body down on the ground and rest his head in my lap. I check his pulse and sigh in relief when I feel it. I keep my hand on his wrist a little long to make sure he's okay. His pulse remains the same and I relax. Not all the way, but a hell of a lot more than I was a few minutes ago.

Luckily he just passed out. I decide against waking him up since he probably needs to rest. So I sit in the silence with him in silence, the train long gone by now. I take this time to admire him. He's so beautiful, inside and out. I hate that he doesn't think so because it's so true. He came out here to look for me even though he knew how much trouble he could get into.

And even though he didn't know at the time that I broke our promise, he still continued to search for me after he realized. He doubts himself so much and I wish he could just believe that he really is amazing.

How many other people would have went after me?

How many other people would have risked themself to keep me alive?

How many other people would do all this to help me?

Probably not many. And I love Oliver because he did. He's my whole world, the light that keeps me going. He's everything to me. And as cliche as it may sound, he's the love of my life. I can't imagine a life without him.

And maybe I'm too young to be saying this but it's true. I love him with all of me. And this time I will keep my promise. I won't break it this time. Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe this was my break back into reality. All I know is that I don't want to hurt him anymore. I won't break his heart again, or at least I'll do everything in my power not to. I won't lie to him. And I won't leave him until I'm physically forced to. And with these thoughts going through my brain, I watch Oliver as the sun comes up hours later.