Letting Go (NamJin)

Part VII: Statice

(Italics) Past Memory

(Namjoon POV)

It had been roughly one hundred and twenty-two days since Seokjin left me.

I shivered as I was pulled from my daze by the sunlight that blinded my eyes. I lifted my hand to shield my face, blinking as my eyes adjusted. My feet were stinging from the cold, as were my hands and my nose. With a sigh, I turned and walked back into the house. There really was no reason to be outside, there was nothing to look at. The garden was dead and it was cold.

As I opened the door, I was greeted by...silence. Usually, Seokjin would be humming, dancing, singing, or making bad jokes. But, now my house was empty.

Shutting the door behind me, I walked towards the bathroom, my footsteps loud and echoing throughout the empty hallway. I flicked on the lights and pulled my shirt up and over my head before staring at my reflection in the mirror under the bright fluorescent lights.

I looked unnaturally pale. The circles under my eyes were dark and bruised, like I hadn't slept in days...It must be the lights making me look this way... I looked like a monster. I pulled my gaze away and worked on removing the rest of my clothes, the cold air raising goosebumps along my skin. I turned the knob in the shower, warm water instantly trickling into the porcelain tub. Another turn and the water was now raining down from the shower head. I stepped inside, allowing the hot water to pelt my back. A dull pain in my abdomen caught my attention and I glanced down, bringing my fingers up to lightly trace at the scars on my body. A pair of straight lines...they were a permanent reminder of that day, whenever I would try to forget, they would start to ache again..

I covered the scars with my hand, lifting my gaze to stare blankly at the white walls in front of me. Everything in this bathroom was white, it reminded me of a hospital...

The words that came out of Taehyung's mouth had to be lies. How I hoped they were lies...

Jimin, Yoongi, and Hoseok reached us then, but I couldn't tear my gaze away from Taehyung. I slowly released my grip on his shirt, falling back into my chair heavily.

"Seokjin...is gone?" Jimin's soft voice broke the silence, his eyes were watery, "but..he was alive when he the ambulance brought him..." His voice trailed off, Yoongi stood next to him, his gaze fixed on the ground.

Taehyung nodded, his hand running through his hair as he choked back tears. "You're right, he was alive.. he died while in surgery..."

The tears I had been holding back began to flow from my eyes and stream down my cheeks. My heart felt like it had been shattered into a million pieces, and my body felt like it would collapse at any minute.

Seokjin was gone...Seokjin was dead. Just like that, my flower had been ripped from my hands...

I began to sob, my hands coming up to cover my face. I stood, I wanted to run, but my knees gave out and I fell on the cold tile, my hands catching my fall. Taehyung knelt next to me, his arms wrapping around me as he pulled my into his embrace. I wanted to get away from him, but the more I struggled, the stronger he held me.

"Namjoon, stop! Please...stop...he's gone..he's in a better place." Taehyung's voice was stern, but I could hear he was stopping himself from crying. I gave in and rested my head against his shoulder. sobbing into his neck. He gently rubbed my back, his own shoulders began to shake as he started to cry. Jimin kneeled behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, his head resting on my back. He was trembling, but I couldn't tell if he was crying. Yoongi came around and placed one hand on Taehyung's head, and one on my own, his fingers rubbing soothing circles on my head. I don't know where Hoseok came from, but soon, his arms were wrapped around the group. We were all crying, though no one could even compare to me.

Ten...maybe fifteen minutes passed until I could stop the flow of my tears. Taehyung continued to hold me, while the others had taken a seat, where they remained quiet. I lifted my head from Taehyung's shoulder, wiping my wet cheeks with the back of my hand. I sniffled, Taehyung standing and then offering his hand to help me up. I looked down at the floor, the feeling of being watched caused me to cringe involuntarily.

"You guys..." my voice was hoarse as I lifted my gaze to look at my friends., "Thank you for being here.."

The sound of soft footsteps echoed down the hallway, coming towards us. I looked up towards the sound to see a young nurse approaching. She paused and gave a sympathetic smile, her voice gentle as she spoke.

"Good evening..I'm sorry, but I need to speak to the closest relative of Kim Seokjin? We need to go over some paperwork."

Just hearing his name...it made my eyes well up with tears. Seokjin had no family, the guys and I were all he had. It should be me signing these papers... but I couldn't move. My hands were shaking to much, how could I even pick up a pen?

Taehyung's hand came down on my shoulder gently, his grip squeezing lightly. He looked over at me, his lips pursed into a straight line as if he were thinking.

"I can go if you'd like.." His deep voice was reassuring, so I nodded in agreement. Taehyung nodded and then turned to Jimin. "Take care of Namjoon, I'll be back soon." With that, he smiled sadly at the nurse, who bowed slightly and lead the way back down the hallway. When they disappeared from sight, I lowered my head again. I leaned against the wall and slid down into a sitting position, my arms wrapped around my knees. I wanted to cry, but my eyes were dry. I closed my eyes and rested my head on my arms.

I don't know how much time passed, I don't even remember falling asleep. Someone was shaking my shoulder gently, it startled me. My eyes flew open and I stood quickly, so fast it made me dizzy and I stumbled. Strong arms steadied me, it was Taehyung.

"Easy there." He patted my shoulder lightly, a stack of papers in his hand. "We're set to go...the doctor agreed to release you, so you could attend the..." Taehyung paused then, he didn't need to continue. I knew what he meant. The funeral.

He cleared his throat, and then turned to look at Jimin, Yoongi, and Hoseok, who were sitting in the chairs along the wall. "I think we should all go home.. it's been a rough day.." He then turned to me, "Hoseok and I will take Namjoon home."

Yoongi and Jimin stood first, Jimin took quick strides towards me and gave me a crushing hug. He was always so caring. Jin loved to tease him for that. Once he released me, Yoongi did the same. I only nodded and gave them the best smile I could. I know they wanted me to be okay, but I wasn't. For their sake...I could try to fake it. Once the couple was gone, Hoseok stood and walked to where Taehyung and I were. "Are you sure you want to go home? You could stay with us..." Hoseok's usually cheerful voice was no where to be found, he sounded sad.

"I want to go home..I'm fine." I answered instantly, not even giving it a thought. Taehyung glanced at Hoseok, who simply nodded sympathetically. With that, we made our way out of the cold hospital and into the bright afternoon.

I don't remember much of the ride home, only that Taehyung drove and Hoseok kept me company in the back seat. When we arrived at my house, the pair walked me inside. They were insisting on staying, but I rejected them. I just wanted to be alone...that was all...

Everything was quiet once they left. I walked to my bedroom and walked around to Seokjin's side of the bed, my fingers trailing along the soft satin sheets. It seemed like a dream...Seokjin would walk through the front door at any moment. We'd laugh and have dinner, get ready for bed...and then I would hold him in my arms as he slept. That was the way it was meant to be.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, thinking for a moment before I laid down and pulled Seokjin's pillow to my chest, hugging it tightly and burying my nose in it. It smelled like honey, and flowers, and soap...it smelled like my Jin. I would wait here until he returned.

As I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, tears began to slip out from behind my closed eyelids. Because deep down inside of me, I knew this was no dream, and Seokjin would never walk through that door again.

Statice is a flower symbolic of remembrance. It also symbolizes sympathy...

My flower had lost his petals, which had been carried away by the cruel wind...which also swept away my happiness.