Letting Go (NamJin)

Part VIII: Lily

(Italics) Past Memory

Namjoon POV

I don't know when the water began to run cold. It numbed my legs, and before I knew it, I fell against the cold porcelain bathtub, my back slamming painfully into the side of it. I sat there for a moment, the pain radiating across my body. However, the cold water seemed to soothe it a bit. I readjusted my body, shifting so I was curled into one end of the bathtub, the icy water pelting my body. I shivered involuntarily, but I didn't want to move. I liked this place, the water masked the tears that had began to flow from my eyes at the thought of him...

I hugged my knees to my chest,resting my chin on top of them. How could it be possible for your heart to hurt this much? Every beat, it felt like it was tearing me apart. Without Seokjin, my own heartbeat had no meaning. Was it possible to die from a broken heart? I wish it was... So then, I could be with him again.

The lily is the flower most often used in funeral arrangments. They symbolize the innocence that has been returned to the soul of the departed. Jin and I always had these in stock, it seemed like the demand for white lillies was never-ending. He always made sure the flowers were in tip-top shape.The flower shop was always filled with floral scent, but the scent of the lily always triggered the haunting thought of funerals. I guess somewhere along the way, I stopped associating the scent with such a sad occasion, because I assumed that I would never have to attend a funeral anytime soon. Little did I know I would be so wrong...

Taehyung had arranged for the funeral to be as soon as possible. So here we were, three days later. He had picked me up, driven me to the funeral home, and even picked up approriate attire for me. The burial would be right after the funeral. All in all, I was of no use to anyone, not even myself. I stood here now in the backroom of the home, staring at myself warily in the small mirror. By now, I had cried all the tears I had...even if I wanted to cry more, I couldn't. I straightened up the tie around my neck, my gaze shifting to the small, white baby's breath in my chest pocket. I lightly ran my fingers across the fragile flowers, a knot rising up in my throat. I turned away from the mirror and walked towards the small table near the door, where I had set a bouquet of flowers. I picked them up gently, the white lillies giving off a light, sweet fragrance. These were picked from Jin's garden, it was the only thing I could do...

A knock at the door suddenly startled me, and I looked towards it. Hoseok's head emerged from the other side, just before he pushed the door open completely and stepped inside. His clothes were similar to mine, including the white flowers in his pocket. I knew the moment I dreaded for so long was here..

"Everything's ready, Namjoon.." Hoseok spoke softly before he pursed his lips, his hands sliding into the pockets of his pants. I nodded, and he stepped outside. I held my flowers close to my chest and followed closely behind him, I could hear the sound of quiet chatter and I could smell the fragrance of candles burning and fresh flowers. My hands grew cold the closer we walked to the main room. Hoseok paused outside double oak doors that were propped open. He turned to look at me, gently gesturing that I should go ahead.

I clutched my flowers close, taking cautious steps before finally stepping inside the memorial room. It was dimly illuminated, and the long oak benches on either side of the aisle were  occupied by a few people, while others were standing about the room, all dressed in black. Seokjin didn't have family...but he had friends, and many of them. I allowed my gaze to scan the crowd, their eyes were fixed on me. I caught sight of Yoongi, Jimin, Jungkook and  Taehyung all towards the front of the room, all of them with fresh tears in their eyes. And finally, I looked at the very front of the room, where a dark, cherry-brown open casket  was displayed, candles and white flowers surrounding it.

I hesitantly walked down the aisle, each step bringing me closer to the front, closer to Jin...

I froze as I finally reached the front, and there he was, lying perfectly still in what would be his bed forever... His eyes were closed, his long, brown eyelashes visible against his pale skin. There was a hint of pink in his cheeks as well as on his full lips, which were slightly parted. He was dressed in a fine suit, his hands resting one on top of the other against his stomach. And tucked under them was a small bouquet of white daisies. Seokjin looked like he was sleeping peacefully. And for a moment, I was glad. He looked so calm, so relaxed...

And that's when I broke down. I set the lillies down by Seokjin's side before my shoulders began to shake violently as I sobbed, leaning over so my forehead rested against Jin's cold hands. They were so cold...So lifeless...
I wanted to scream. To shake him and yell until he opened his eyes. But deep down, I knew it would be useless. So all I could do was cry. I straightened up and looked up at his face, my hand lightly stroking his cheek. He was so cold... as compared to me. I could feel the hot tears running along my cheeks.

Seokjin didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to die...He was so kind to everyone. If only I had been stronger...if only I had been paying more attention...if only I had reacted faster...maybe this wouldn't of had happened... I should've protected Jin
.

I dropped my hand from his cheek, my knees giving out beneath me. I slumped down onto the carpet, my head in my hands. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare...

I don't know when everyone started to leave. I don't know how long I'd been sitting there, next to Seokjin's casket. However, Jungkook's soft voice lulled me from my daze. He was speaking to someone, a funeral director perhaps. I looked up just as Jungkook began to walk towards me, holding something in his hand. He knelt down in front of me, extending his left fist, palm down. I offered my open palm, and he dropped something heavy into it. It was a red pouch, tied neatly with a white ribbon.

"Open it later...it's time to go, now...we have to say our last goodbyes.." Jungkook offered his hand and I took it as he pulled me up. I shook my head, I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. I walked a few feet away, allowing the others to step closer to the casket. I placed the pouch into my pocket and watched sadly as my friends said their farewell. Not long afterwards, the funeral director came out and quietly closed the casket lid, separating me from Jin once and for all. Fresh tears welled up in my eyes as he extinguished the candles. Jimin walked to where I was standing, his hand lightly gripping my elbow. He looked at me with sad eyes.
"We have to get going now.." He said, his voice quiet. I nodded, and allowed him to lead me back down the aisle. I turned and gave my love one last glance, just in time to see his casket being carried away by the funeral director and his assistants.