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Eleven

SUMMER

I had spent the whole day with Luke, he came after lunch and we went out, we didn’t go anywhere specific though, we just walked and talked a lot. I’m glad I got to go out with someone different, it’s been a while since I’ve done that the last time. And it was great the fact that going out actually made me forget about my argument with Ashton. Luke and I get along really well, and we don’t run out of things to tell each other during the afternoon, I have to admit that I had a pretty good time.

“There’s no way you did that” Luke says between laughs when we enter my apartment.

“I swear! I was really drunk, I didn’t thought about the possibility of being caught. I regret it so much the next day” I head the kitchen and he follows me “Do you want something? I have…” I open the fridge to find it empty “A really good water, how do you like that?” I joke, making him laugh.

“I’m fine, thanks”

“That’s embarrassing, I promise I’ll have something to offer you the next time you come here”

“So I’m coming here again, huh?” He asks with a smirk.

“If you want to”

He comes closer to me and takes a strand of my hair in his fingers, looking in my eyes with a small smile “I always thought we were good together, I guess I was right” He kisses me slowly and I can’t avoid grinning into his lips, passing my arms around his neck and kissing him back. He grabs my waist, pulling me closer.

Ashton. A sudden feeling of guilt takes over me quickly and I can’t help but think of Ashton. He was the one I was kissing yesterday, my best friend that says he likes me for a long time. I can’t do that to him, right? But he’s lied to me, he didn’t care about me when he didn’t tell about Logan. Why should I care about him now?

I run my hand through Luke’s chest, heating the kiss. Our tongues play in sync and he squeezes my bum, pressing himself against me. I let out a low moan and pull slightly the hem of his shirt, so he’d take it off.

I don’t want to think of Ashton.

ASHTON

I can’t believe Hannah’s actually bringing that night again. It was almost four years ago. We were at a party at a friend’s house and I was so drunk. It was stupid.

“Fuck Hannah, that happened years ago, I thought we were gonna forget about it” I say, raising my hands in frustration.

“I can’t simply forget about it Ash!” She cleans up a tear.

“Why not?!”

“It’s just… Gosh, you’re such an idiot!”

“Why?! What have I done that made you so mad at me till the point where you’d ruin my chance to finally be with Summer?!”

“What you’ve done?! Isn’t that obvious? I mean the only reason you fucked me was because you were drunk, but with Summer is different, off course, you had to drink just to have the courage to kiss her because she is so fucking perfect, isn’t she? While I’m just some silly girl to you Ashton, you always make me feel like I’m nothing!”

“Geez, stop the drama Hannah! I’ve already apologized for that night, I was drunk, that wasn’t supposed to happen”

“It’s not drama! You can’t understand, can you?” She laughs humorless “I love you Ash, I always have!”

I stop for a second, processing things. I can’t say I’ve never thought about that, but this possibility just didn’t seem right most of the times. I let out a deep sigh “Han, you’re my friend”.

“I was so alone Ash” She keeps talking, the tears don’t stop falling down her face “And suddenly you wanted me, you desired me, the boy I’ve always been in love with! But I was stupid enough to ignore the fact that you were completely drunk!”

“I’m sorry if I didn’t realize you liked me but you’re making it sound like I fucking abused you Hannah!”

“Well, you don’t remember much of that night, do you? For your information, you weren’t at all kind to me, you used me like I was some bitch on the street!”

“Fuck, stop saying that! I’ve apologized the next day and you agreed to let it go, I didn’t know what I was doing!”

“You were my first Ashton!”

I keep in silence for a horrible moment, surprised. I feel the guilt taking over me one more time. I run my fingers through my hair, closing my eyes. I need to calm down.

“Han, if I knew that you were a virg…”

“You wouldn’t have done it, right? Well, that doesn’t really change the facts Ash” She rolls her eyes at me.

“Why did you let me…? I mean I know you were drunk but you shouldn’t let me…”

“I wasn’t drunk Ashton, I simply would never say no to you. I wanted to be with you”

I shake my head “Gosh Hannah, and you were stupid enough to sleep with me?”

“I was stupid enough to fall in love with you” She says, cleaning the last tear falling down her cheek.

“Han, I’m sorry. If I wasn’t so drunk I wouldn’t have done it”

“Yeah, I know. I think that’s what hurts the most, the fact that you never did and never will truly want me”

I bite my bottom lip, I don’t even know what to say. I approach her “C’mon Han, don’t talk like that. I always thought you were an amazing girl, you know that” I place a kiss upon her forehead but before I can pull back she grabs the side of my shirt, not letting me go.

“Why could you never look at me differentially then?” She asks, her voice like a whisper.

“I…” She interrupts me by pecking my lips slightly, I can feel her breath near my mouth. I don’t know what to say, I just stare at her for a moment.

She reaches for my lips again and I don’t pull away. I can’t. My heart starts beating faster when after a while I end up responding to the movement of her lips, kissing her back, grabbing her waist, pulling her closer, letting her slip her fingers through my hair, feeling her grin against my mouth…

Only because I feel so guilty.