Second Life: A Second Chance

O'er the Arcoiris (II)

Upon hearing the announcement of the interview, I walk out of Mr. Anderson's class with a huge grin on my face. While going down the class ramp that leads to Mr. Anderson's classroom, I notice a strong sense of excitement overtake my body for the first time in days as I realize that being given a chance to enter Training might the best thing that can ever happen for a male in this town, especially for I, a Kurakain. I hate this town with all my heart and being a Kurakain is the only advantage I have in leaving. To be honest, what male wouldn't want to take advantage of this opportunity in order to achieve the best physical outcome of himself, plus an opportunity to train abroad? Leaving town is the opportunity of a century. Not even the Kovashyans can attest to that. Kovashyans are constantly stuck in a never-ending cycle where they have to come back to town every other two days for unloading stuff while I as a Kurakain-in-Training, get to be absent from the town for an entire three months if not more, if I am already not reassigned to another town that is. What is even better from all of this is that I get to choose where to go if I rank high enough from the group. As I have been told, there is a way to choose where you get to live. All I have to do is rank highest amongst my peers in Training. Further fueling my excitement in leaving town, no male I have ever know in my life truly cares whether I leave or not, making all this the more sweet to enjoy. To make matters even easier, all I really have to do to enter Training is pass the Confirmation Training interview coming up. There is little chance I or any Kurakain male could possibly fail at that. Besides, none of the other boys except Caemanor, I and a few others are certified Kurakains. This interview will be a piece of cake. My eventual becoming of a pre-Kurakaine could not have come at a better time, especially in regard to my Fathe. I cannot stand my Fathe. He constantly insults me and hits me with his fists as in his mind, I am not "man enough," "teaching" me to act like a "man" through grueling tasks being the only way to fix my "bad" habits. I am sick and tired of his behavior. Hopefully, all I get today is a headache from his yammering and not the head punches I have grown used to.

As soon as I arrive home, a sudden rush of sadness immediately starts consuming my inner being. I usually don't feel as bad of a mood like this but I took a few pills beforehand and it is really affecting my mentality. Caemanor continues to linger on in my mind and I cannot seem to shake him off. To think of it, I really should have just apologized to Caemanor for hurting him that day but I cannot. As much as I want to confront him about my horrible actions, I am utterly lost in what to say to him. I did not even mean to hurt him to be honest. I was merely upset and distraught over Willy's loss, as Willy meant at one point, the world to me. Losing Willy was consuming me inside out so I took a few to combat the bad feelings. I lost control because of the stupid pills I took. How do I explain that to someone who not only is mad at you, but does not want to approach you by even an inch? Caemanor and I used to be really good friends through a mutual connection between Willy and his ex, David, where come to think of it, is all I have known him for besides him as a friend. Going back to recognizing the truth of my actions, I took the pills as a way to cope with the pain of losing Willy. I did what I had to do but I never meant to hurt Caemanor, I swear those were not my intentions. Willy died the other day and I was lost as what to do after. I could not accept the reality of his death so I prolonged myself from acknowledging the truth by moving as far away as I could from the inevitable. I had to, I loved Willy so much that even if he had cheated on me, I would not give a damn if he did, as long as he came back to me alive. 

But as I know from realizing his death in the HoloScreen, he did not come back to me, driving me over the edge with fury. I forgave Willy time and time again but he kept on cheating, even with my protests. I miss him dearly and never wished him dead, but given the circumstance, I no longer feel for him as strongly as I used to. I realized the depth of my love all too late when I realized he had never loved me. What male dies for meaningless fun rather than to just enjoy his lover? He never truly enjoyed me outside of the bed and tried to avoid direct contact with me as much as he could besides penetration. All he ever wanted to do was take me in and finish himself off with my tool of lovemaking. He never loved me in the same way I did for him. I played stupid the fool and believed that he loved me instead of realizing it sooner and leaving him for a better male, seeing him for the unfaithful cheater he truly was. At least he would not have been the source of my current dilemma, or at the very least, still be alive. But can you blame me? I just wanted love and he was sexy and did not care much about my appearance. He desired me, a contradiction to what my Fathe has often told me. Before I came to the realization that he never loved me, I thought he was perfect in my eyes. Willy in fact, did not care that I was a little fat and somehow, that won my heart over, contrary to what I was being constantly told by my Fathe. 

My Fathe hated the excess fat I used to carry (and still do) but Willy never did. To add, I am not even fat, and in actuality, I carry only a mere belly to which has nothing to do with my physical fitness. However, Fathe continues to see me as overindulgent and a sinner in the eyes of Ai'nala, even though that is not true. Without Willy around to comfort my insecurity, I am forced to assume a label for my Fathe to judge while having me reminisce in the memories I have of him alive where Willy saw me as a simple male capable of worth, the type of male I truly am. One regret I do have from all the alleviating scar Willy has left within my heart is that I wish I did something before his death to have him fall in love with me, preventing him from ever cheating in the first place. Unfortunately from all I know, that wish never came to see the light of day. 

Returning to what I did to Caemanor, I cannot truly make up a concrete answer as to why I did it. I guess I somehow lost control and allowed the pills took over. I loved Willy with all my heart even as I learned of his death yet, there was a desire to murder him hidden beneath my grief. In all the frustration and confusion his death left me in, I craved a male's touch and could not help myself to my animalistic urges. I was stuck in a feeling of nowhere and everywhere and had to break out under the spell of the pills. All I could do to translate my frustration and confusion in my drug induced personality was intercourse, and in the worst way imaginable no less, hurting Caemanor both physically and emotionally in the process. But none of this really is my fault, I blame Willy and the effect of the pills as I had no conscious choice in the matter. However, I deeply regret the way I carried out the actions I forced on Caemanor. I wish I had not fed into the darkness of primal drug induced desires. I wish I was stronger, stronger to the point that I could have prevented what I did, but the damage is done.

At a loss of friends and trust, I come to the conclusion that I am alone, but not at fault. Willy, once my best friend, the same friend and lover who prevented me from being alone, left me in a state of mind that I feared to ever possess: loneliness. Yet by either chance or by luck, here I am, alive. Even if I stand, without his weak but friendly support, I am a lost sheep, lost without a purpose in the world. Remembering back to the past before assaulting Caemanor, I recall once having a crush on him while Willy was around but never acted on my desires. I had always kept my boundaries with Caemanor because I had complete faith in Willy but then again, Willy never truly earned it from me. I was stuck in an idiotic bubble of self-fed lies with no escape. Now fully awake from the lies, I remember a few months ago when I noticed Caemanor and presumably, David, inside The Cabin having fun, all while I was with Willy. Although, I could not truly tell if it was the both of them or not. We never discussed lovers amongst the four of us and even in The Cabin, lack of voice contact was heavily encouraged. On that day, I remember getting so frustrated angry upon seeing the happy couple engage in a crazed loved public manner with each other. I wanted to do something in order to get rid of the pain seeing them had caused me to have but I hesitated at the time. Now in the present, knowing what happened to David just a few days ago, I wanted to approach him and comfort him in his time of need but I did not have it in me to do so. I lost all self control and kissed him, screwing him over instead of supporting him like the friend I truly should have been. Yet even when I locked lips with Caemanor, I felt a release of pleasure among angry heartfelt pain under the spell of the pills. Both Caemanor and David cared for each other they way Willy and I never truly have and that angered me. I- I even felt betrayed and jealous by everymale behaving like Caemanor and David and so much so that when Willy died that I stopped being rational and swallowed the pills, going crazy on Caemanor as a result. My savage inner being took over, with I absent in control. How is that explainable to a male who is not I? It was me but not me. I angrily yet passionately made love to one of my closest friends, thinking he was Willy, causing irreversible unimaginable pain while blinded in seeing what is appropriate and what is not. What have I done? By Ai'nala, I truly am a monster. 

Tense, I grab the white pillowcase filled to the brim with cotton flowers from the upper side of the bed and shove my face on its white surface, before screaming loudly inside. I soon lay on the bed, looking up at the broken brown cubicle ceiling and no longer as tense, filled with only grief and disappointment.