Second Life: A Second Chance

Ich M'abandonne (II)

I enter through the door to the house after heading back from the square, feeling sick to my stomach from watching the disgusting scene initiated by the Punisher not too long ago. Fathe was not present at the square when I witnessed the cruel act as always, staying in patrol to look on for any outsiders, knowingly yet unknowingly allowing the horrid murder and imprisonment of two male lovers to occur rather than to at the very least, lessen the punishment handed to them by the Punisher. Although I have achieved first position out of the First Rank Test, I only achieved that position based on the fact that I was lucky enough not to die first from the last part of the First Rank Test.

I lay on top of the bed inside the upstairs room that I inhabited before deploying off for Training. I close my eyes and think to myself, trying to nap quietly. Soon enough however, I feel something touching me gently on both of my sides. Wait, no, I feel not something but I feel, SOMEONE. A warm encompassing loving body lays on top of my clothed pelvis, giving me kisses on my neck and hugging my body tight. I am being felt by, no, I am being visited by David. Well, his ghost, as he is no longer with me in the physical world. I am enjoying the transaction of love that continues on to pour all over my hot naked body. I am being touched, kissed, held, and loved, by him, for the first time in months. My body feels his body strongly and soon enough, penetrates him gently through loving hugs and humps. I am flushed in red and in draped in sweat, with my arms moving around to feel his warm naked back and stomach on top of my nude self, before stopping and deciding to lay with him in a cuddled position instead. I push his head gently and move his body back slightly to have him rest on me. I, now relaxed, put my left arm over his neck with the other encompassing his back, feeling both of his warm gentle hands shift downwards to hug me comfortably. I, now at a complete ease of mind, let out a big smile amidst the pleasurable moment, releasing a tear of happiness before being interrupted by a coming frown and soon enough, saddened tears.

My arms soon tingle and my heartbeat rises. My body shakes in different locations of my body. I literally feel the pain of losing his touch. The thing is, David was not with me right now, he never was, so the pain of losing his touch, was all in mind. The sad truth is, I am alone today, trying to make love to air and attempting to fuck it like the lowly pathetic man I am. He was seen dead long ago by my eyes, and I am trying to make sense of it by re-imagining his touch. "Pathetic am I," I quietly blurt out, among the following passionate cries of pain and loneliness that continue among my quiet sobs.

"I should have known I was this pathetic, thinking I could ever be touched by a guy like him who doesn't exist anymore. Pathetic," I disappointingly say to myself. 

I wish I was not alone today. I am so tired of this pain. I made it through the First Rank Test and will be on my way to Paradias soon, now what? David is gone and so is Adam, who is held in Paradias. How will I ever save him? He has a death sentence waiting. Who is going to listen to me either way? Who is going to help me? Who is going to assure me that everything will be alright? Who will help guide me out of the bottomless pit of self-loathing and emptiness that I feel trapped inside? Why bother? No one I know in the world is left to care about me.

What's the point of it all? Of the danger or the obstacles to overcome in Paradias? I remember during Training how much I would fight the urge to cry during the day, forcing myself to go outside during the cold winter midnights so that no one would ever listen to me cry alone. I remember talking to the moon on those nights, as I cried all alone, but there are even times when the moon is not enough of a man, or a friend, to help me fight through the depressing thoughts. No one is here for me, no one. I just want this pain to stop and go away. I want it all gone.

I am no longer naive. I know better, but I give in to stupid hope, but it is no longer enough for me to keep on living anymore. "I, I-" I say, stopping as I spot something ahead of me across the bed, something that catches my attention, standing oddly close to the window. It is THE knife, the same knife I used to bury David several months ago. It is a sign. I force myself up the bed and get off of it, walking barefoot toward it. It's just standing there, with the dirty tip pointed directly down to the wooden floor, leaning against the wall that leads to the window. My intentions are clear. The knife is here for a reason. It's time for me to put that reason to use.