Second Life: A Second Chance

Fallen Star (III)

I must have hit a new low today as I have yet to shed a single tear. I cannot even remember the last time I have abstained from crying, let alone for this long. My mind is emotionally drained as my limbs ache, urging me to sleep but even then, I fight the pressure and continue walking, knowing that if I rest for even a second, I will not have the willpower to wake up later. I continue along this pathway, slowly and slowly falling into the temptation of sleep.

The house finally becomes visible in the distance, standing rigidly by a few trees before the forest. Looking closely into the house, I notice and imagine the usual colors both the exterior and the interior inhabit, a murky dark brown color. The entire house is two floors high, with a small space becoming the roof, adding a half-floor height to the house. The entire house looks hideous and old but on the inside, it is pretty decent. I have always dreamt of living in a place like the house I inhabit but on my own with David far away from this Nation. However, I tend to forget the reality of the situation: he is gone and anywhere else besides where I live is ten times worse in accommodation. Houses are scarce and for the most part, this is probably the best looking house in the entire town.

A few meters away from the house, I pause and look around the house's perimeter. Since the house, a somewhat pretty looking one at that, is on the far edge of the path apart from the main Kurakaine led houses, there is always the worry that some man from the Nehlot class will want to murder you and steal your government bank notes. Thankfully, no male is near the house or by the forest entrance, diminishing my tense mood. Yet even so, I look around the house anyway, making sure no male is within walking distance from the fence walls. After being reassured, I head to the entryway of the house, pushing the metallic black fence door open. After entering the fence, I close it shut from behind me, being greeted by the sweet sound of clatter of metal as it closes. I head straight to the door now only feet away from me, walking past the green and black earth that lies scattered inside and outside the fence walls. Before arriving at the door, I pass by the largest green patch existent at the center of front yard. My Fathe has only managed to plant only one flower out of the vast distance of earth that is available in our yard. The flower he has planted stems from a cactus and at times, is so interesting to stare at, especially when compared to the rest of the yellowish green weeds lying beside the patches of black charred dirt. I managed to catch a whiff of the cactus flower in my nose before arriving at the door. It's a smell unlike anything I have ever known.

I shift my eyes toward the side window at my left and feel around the edges of the windows. The spare plastic key soon drops onto my palm after a simple tug. I grasp it with my right fist and move toward the white door a foot away. I shove the key inside the door hole and watch it unlock with a switch. Insecurity suddenly rushes into my mind and I start to panic. I could have died today had I saved David but, because I did not, I lost him. It has been only a day since I lost him but him being gone is a concept I still trying to grasp. The man I made love to yesterday died the same night. He is gone and it is all my fault. I close the door behind me shut and sit on the floor, with my back to the door. I give the back side of the door a hard bang with my right hand while I hold my head with the other. I mean I should be grateful that I am alive but David is gone. How can I be grateful when I have no one to be grateful with? The man I loved died yesterday for Ai'nala's sake! How can I ever be fine? He is not here to hug me or assure me that everything will be fine. Calming myself down now, I switch my thinking back to the house. Looking down at the floor, I hear a peculiar sound.

Squeak! Squeak! The patter of tiny feet moving along the floorboards irks me. I recognize that sound. There's a rat in the room. I stand up and immediately rush toward the table. I cannot stand rats. They are vile creatures who only bring sickness wherever they go. I reach in and grab the "Calci-feral" titled plastic spray bottle from the small bin sitting on top, looking desperately for the rat after. The house usually never gets rats but when it does, they act like pests and are a nuisance to all. Did I mention they bring sickness wherever they go? The places that even attract rats are in places at the Nehlot parts of town. Rats exist among them but they shouldn't exist here. Poor Nehlots, they have to deal with the rats living amongst them daily. Not even the Kovashyans have this problem, especially with the fact that they come in second before Nehlots. I remember how David had to combat those little pests everytime I was inside his unit. Not surprisingly, it was my biggest pet peeve about him. I was always afraid he and I would catch plague or something. 

SQUEAK! SQUEAK! The noise has amplified with twice the intensity. As it makes its horrible sound, I catch it scurrying toward the door where I was only a while ago. I press on the handle and release the spray on the rat's stupid face several times. It reacts to the smell immediately, now moving drunkenly, in reaction to the anti-rodent odor I have released onto its breathing space. It starts to turn, before giving up and falling to its side, making a paralyzed moving motion as a way to survive the spray but it does no good and instead, loses the battle of life to humanity. I hate killing animals but rats are an exception as I and everymale in this town do not consider them as one. I guess I should at least be thankful for living at the edge of a Kurakaine section of town where this is almost never an issue but I am not, as I lay here miserable without him. Pleasure is a weapon of love that is best kept wielded. Alas, I carry no weapons, only utensils of sadness.

After the rat stops moving completely, I immediately notice the lack of strong authority in the house, as I figure out nomale is home yet. My Fathe must be on shift and who knows where Daemon is. I walk to the table and put the spray bottle back in the bin before going upstairs to my bedroom. Upon reaching the room, I take off my clothes and sit on the bed positioned at the left-hand corner of the room. Naked, I take a moment to inspect my entire body at the wall mirror. I notice several cuts and bruises all around my skin. I walk from the mirror and head to the trash box at the right-hand corner by the window. I throw away the clothes inside and walk over to the wooden tub. Empty looking, I proceed to fill the tub with a few buckets of water from the heated water capsule, the large container that holds the water warm. I begin lathering myself with soap and put one leg in before another, washing myself in the rub. Seated on the tub, I put my hands on my neck. The tears start to come and I hold my legs tight to my chest. I don't know what to do anymore. The grief is eating me alive. Should I just cut my veins and die here? Should I drown myself instead? I can take my life right now and no one will ever know why. I hug my legs even tighter and rest my head on my knees. I want to live but it hurts. The pain is too much to bear. I even promised myself that I would live for David but I just cannot. I cannot. It is impossible without him. I start sobbing loudly and hit the tub water with both my arms. 

"David! WHY?!" 

"I MISS YOU! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME, PLEASE! I miss you." 

The tears, as fast as they come, leave just as quickly, hibernating for the next emotional outbreak. 

I cannot stay like this. I do not want to be alone as I am now. I just want to feel loved again like how David used to make me feel. I need him and it's a struggle moving on without him. My heart pulses fast, with my body soon becoming cold, even in the warm water. I look at the water again, staring face down at the water's surface in the tub. I attempt to search for a reflection in the murky water but all I see is grey-brown encompassing the water's surface. I put my finger down on the surface and tap the water gently, soon moving the water around, watching the murky water faintly display my self-image on the water. Even on the water, I am alone. David made my life complete and full. He never made me feel alone. Never, unlike the water's reflection. He was my rock, my friend, my lover, and my life partner. He meant the world to me. I look up and finish bathing.

I grab the brown towel from the floor and wrap it around my body, allowing it to hug me from my chest to my knees. I walk over to the now open window, toweled, and look beyond the outside, where the light directs my eyes to the dark sky. A sudden breeze enters inside from the window, giving me the chills. I look away in response and head toward the drawer by the trashbox. The single wood woven drawer opens with a pulling motion. I grab two items from the drawer and put them on, with the towel off. I wear the blue pants I bought a while back in the square, followed by a grey woven shirt David made for me for our first anniversary. It surprisingly fits still. Now clothed, I walk over to the bed and jump backwards on the bed, facing the ceiling. I don't have the continuing energy in me to do anything but lay here. As I lay on the wool and straw bed, I begin to nod off to a dream with a requiem.