Cheater ; Phan ~ completed

3

(Phil)

I know I can't possibly explain myself. 

I know that no explanation will ever be enough. 

I know that things will never be the same. 

I know I ruined the one good thing I had in life. 

I wish I could take it back. 

Just, rewind the days, take back the things I did. 

But I can't. It's all my fault. 

I never thought I could do something like this. 

Especially not to someone like Dan. 

But I did. God, I cheated on my boyfriend. 

Me, a cheater. 

I threw eight years away..

For someone I'll never want to see again. 

I don't have the answers he wants. 

I don't know why I did it. 

I don't know what I was thinking? 

I don't get it. 

Because I love him. 

I really love him. 

God, what is wrong with me?!

I can't expect him to love me, or even want to look at me. 

The guilt is overwhelming. 

I feel disgusting. 

How could I do this to him? 

Why did I do this to him?

~

The first two nights were silence. We both sat in our rooms, not saying a thing. 

I'd sit up in my bed, wishing the other side wasn't empty. 

I'd break down crying, and text him, knowing he wouldn't reply. 

I'd walk over to the mirror, staring at the hickeys. The constant reminders that I can never go back. 

I'd check my phone from time to time. Our fans think we've died or something dramatic like that. 

Today, I had to say something. I was worried. I am worried. He ended up shouting at me, which was a valid response. 

Now, I'm sitting against his door, my head in my hands. I listen in to his muffled cries, letting it burn a hole in my heart. I deserve it. I did this to him. 

I wish I could just hug him. Just tell him I love him and that I never meant for it to happen. But it did. And he won't ever take me back. I'm sure of it. 

I love him. 

But I broke his heart. 

So do I really deserve to have him? 

(358)